WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS ARCHIVE

 

DATE

TIME

AUTH

CAT

TEXT

19951030

 

HZ

 

Subj:     n

Date:     10/30/95

To:        peeta

 

LAST MINUTE UPDATE::::

 

We have just received word that the World Pinball Record has been broken.heavyweightZed has broken his own Record with a new all time high score of 210,850.heavyweightZed, known as the Chuck Yeager of Pinball, is the only man to have ever broken the 200,000 mark.For many years, the general scientific community thought that 200,000 was a barrier that simply could not be broken. It was thought that it was more wow than the human mind and body could take. HeavyweightZed stunned the world nearly eight months ago to the day by achieving a score of 201,020.

 

He was quoted tonight as saying: "the more wow you give, the more ye shall receive. I have given, and, yea, I have received.” heavyweightZed is one of the infamous Team Pleasant, captained by his Lord and Imperial Heavyness, Jay Damberg, The Father of Modern Pinball. But even the Heavy Messiah has not surpassed the 200,000 barrier. He said in a phone interview that "I can't believe it. He must have channeled an enormous amount of WOW." Damberg called for a world-wide, all night vigil in a show of universal WOW.

AP News

------------------------

19960324

 

PI

 

Subj:     Re: tingy

Date:     96-03-24 10:38:46 EST

From:    peeta@epix.net (Pete Imbres)

To:        HeavyweightZed@aol.com

 

News from the world of WOW.....

 

I may be driving down to South Carolina next weekend to pick up a near mint Pinbot machine for $100. After doing this I will claim the Hulk from the boys at 1115 and I will have the beginnings of an impressive pinball collection. I was even thinking about trying to find a Dimension for very cheap and then driving to where ever it is

 

Sorry about your car. If it makes you feel any better, I fall asleep at the wheel a lot and sometimes in my dreams I get into big accidents. This sort of thing shouldn't happen to a Zen Wowist. You shouldn't need to be conscious in order to work such a simple machine as a car. Think of all the times you'd hit those WOWs while on 13 Saranac Black Forests, 2 hits of acid, 16 Bong hits of TC kind, and Nicky's breath condensing slowly on your shoulder.

 

Peeta

--------------------

 

19961218

 

HZ

 

Subj:     wow when lit

Date:     12/18/96

To:        danielle@art.umass.edu

 

danielle....

 

the answer to all of your questions

 

is yes...

 

a zen wowist recognizes the range in which all things swing. a zen wowist seeks to remove himself just a little bit from the physical world so that he may be more in the dream world, the world of wow. ting is a simple lesson on how over dependant we are on the physical: let's say you're sitting at the table. on the table there are a few beers, a lighter, your wallet, and pete's car keys. pete has a bowl in his hand and he says to you "hand me the ting." if you were blind, you might not realize that ting = lighter, but you see what he needs, and so you hand pete the lighter. ting can be used for beer or car or newspaper or q-tips. it doesn't matter. you'd be surprised at how often we don't need specific words to communicate our ideas. one word: "ting." it says it all. using that word removes us just that much more from the physical. if you're a ting girl, just sit back and relax. it is good and it is bad. ting, like life, is what you make of it.

 

may you find what you do not seek.

 

:::::::::a a r o n::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

19971119

 

PI

 

Subj:     apology to headquarters -From pete

Date:     97-11-19 11:33:31 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        zed@AOL.COM

 

Agent Z-

 

I am sorry that I did not inform you sooner as to the pinball situation at the Haunt. The Haunt had $6 all you can digest-puke-and digest more and that seriously affect my decison making to the point where I turned in the wrong driveway last night. It shall never happen again. One of our agents must address to Ide's/Chapter Haus status.

 

I'm feeling more tarty today. I will not disappoint the collective

again.

 

out....

 

agent 37835256482038

--------------------------

 

19971204

 

HZ

 

Subj:     mattie herman receives honary citizenship in nigeria...

Date:     97-12-04 14:53:59 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        cibert@berkshire.net

CC:       zed@AOL.COM

 

...after an empassioned plea for a unified africa under jah rastafarai.

 

at the receiving ceremony for the champions trophy in the pan-african pinball classic, mattie herman raised the enormous ebony phallus high above his head and pleaded with the 80,000 spectators at Namukti national stadium in Nigeria. As tears rolled down this white man's cheeks, he told of his vision of love and life in a world free from such old fashioned ideas as hatred and sexual morality.

 

"to love spiritually, one must also love physically, often and with vigor..." said the esteemed herman. his words were also heard by a national televion audience that is estimated at 1.5 million viewers.

 

herm: check out the world cup selection at www.france98.com.

 

jah love

 

::::::::z w a s t a f a r a i::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

---------------------

 

19980205

 

HZ

 

Subj:     :::::::::wownet digital news::::::::::::

Date:     98-03-05

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        rwl1@cornell.edu

 

'papa don't take no mess.'

2.5.98

 

ithaca ny usa. that's what topranked pinballer heavyweightZed had to say about his wowifying performance last night at the i-town hemp benefit. zed and the nototious jeff 'goody jay' goodmark were last minute additions to last nite's spectacle, which was seen by an estimated television viewing audience of 1 billion. as could be expected, they literally stole the show.

 

goody, without his trademark 'mellowvision' eyewear, claimed he may have shown 'too much support' for the cause at hand. despite several big saves and his characteristic smoothness on the ramps, goody blamed a rigorous tour schedule and 'a lot of bud' for his average scores last nite.

 

'let's get one thing straight,' said goody after the show, 'my scores tonite may have been 'average.' but my average scores are a whole lot better than most professional's personal best.' 'i want to remind everyone that it wasn't jah herb that slowed me down ain't nothing gonna slow me down unless i say so. i just wanted to have a good time tonite. you know, take a breather. that victory at the johanasburg africa unite! tourney took a lot out of me.' goody was having so much fun, in fact, that he entered the arena to the tune of 'you better shape up' from the grease soundtrack.

 

despite the friendly atmosphere of last nite's event, heavyweightZed, as usual, came to seek-and-destroy. 'i don't give a fuck. about anything,' said zed. it appears, however, that this hardened pinball jeaguernaut does have a soft side. zed showed up wearing his classic red addidas warmup pants and a faded blue t-shirt that appeared to be the same one he wore at his first olympics appearance. there are literally thousands of photographs of heavyweightZed in that same tshirt as he wore it for many of his professional matches with the p street dreds.

 

'this match goes out to me mates mattie herman and tt boy and luscious santa.' said zed. although it didn't seem to affect his bad attitude, zed arrived --and even left-- relatively sober last nite. he did make it to the big board once with a score of 118. zed took the machine to the limits on that game, liting up everything but castle crusher.

 

towards the end of the evening, zed took his cue when he and goody double-matched on double zero. zed put up 36, lit up catapult champ, replayed, and made it to the king of payne on his first ball of that game... he later lit up barnyard madness, but was unable to reach that elusive goal before his final ball drained.

 

'it was like two hearts beating as one,' said heavy z. 'i've always played my best games off goody’s replays and matches. i knew it would be special when i saw the double zeros and then heard the double megaclick.'

 

'i came to infatuate the audience,' said zed. 'i came to make love to that machine.'

 

-wownet digital news

-----------------------------

 

19980205b

 

HZ

 

Subj:     wow digitial news: every hour, on the hour (to lifford)

Date:     98-02-05 15:03:04 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        rwl1@cornell.edu

CC:       zed@aol.com

 

ithaca, ny 1.5.98 2:45pm

 

claiming that he "sensed a disturbance in the force" pinball superstar heaveyweightZed stumbled into the chanticleer a mere ten minutes after he had been dethroned as the worlds' multiball madness champion.

 

in an uncharacteristic show of good sportmanship, zed congratulated the top-rated jeff goodmark, affectionately known as "jeffy g," on his new record.

 

hoping to recapture the spotlight, zed once again stepped up to the machine and gave it his all. although his game was impressive, 84 million and a hefty 22 million on a full-featured multiball madness, zed failed torecapture any new titles. he was a mere one castle shot away from reaching the king of pain, however, and for a few moments it looked as if history would again be made.

 

"fuck the fahns," said zed after the match. " 'alf of them wahnt to fuck me anyway... the female 'alf that is." "i didn't come ear to play. i came ear to drink an to beat the fuck out of anything that might say "jackpot" if i 'it it 'ard enough. including the bartender.... jeffy g's one of the great ones, very sowlid owl the way around... but he doesn't drink! ...? whut tha fuck is that?"

 

zed ranted for some 30 minutes more for the press, but in the end it was decided that he should stand by his record, seeing as how he could barely stand on his own two feet....

 

--------------------

 

19980205

 

RL

 

Subj:     news flash -From lifford

Date:     98-02-05 14:43:05 EST

 

GOODMARK DETHRONES ZED AS MM MADNESS CHAMPION

WowNet Digital News 2/5/98 1:37pm EST

 

S. Cayuga & W. State Streets - The Chanticleer tavern was the site of a royal spanking this afternoon as Jeff Goodmark scored in excess of 25 million points on his fifth ball in a combined Joust, Damsel, Peasant,Troll, and Catapult Madness multiball round. The score unseated previous Madness Champ HeavyweightZed, who had attained the rank some 15 hours earlier. Goodmark finished the game at an impressive 52 million points, still only about halfway towards Zed' staggering Grand Champion score.

 

After lighting four of the five multiball rounds early on in his third ball, Goodmark seemed headed for certain disappointment. A quick drain on ball four and repeated difficulties hitting the Merlin hole to start the Madness rounds led onlooker to believe that Goody would choke.

 

Moments into ball five, Goodmark thwarted certain death with two successive schleids and drove it home. Trolls started with the other four multiball rounds, and with three troll bombs saved up, Goodmark quickly upped the ante with the start of Troll Madness. Soon the Chanticleer was deafened with Merlin's elated screams: "JACKPOT!! SUUUPER JACKPOT!!! DOUBLE SUUUUUPER JACKPOT!!"

 

"I'm just out here to play," said Goodmark in an uncharacteristically humble moment after the balls finally drained. "It's nice to get up on the board," he added, "but that Grand Champion score is still way off in the distance."

 

Zed, presumably off on another heroin/whiskey bender as is his wont, was unavailable for comment.

 

Goodmark took over the Madness Champion slot in a two-player game with local pinhead Rob Lifford, who coincidentally arrived at the tavern at the exact same time. Goodmark's triumphant fifth ball was also witnessed by one Dave Yantorno, who ducked out of work just in time for this newsworthy event.

-------------------------

 

19980206

 

JG

 

Subj:     Re: wow digitial news: every hour, on the hour -From goodmark

Date:     98-02-06 10:25:33 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        zed@aol.com

 

 

ZED

ALTHOUGH it is only 9:38 am and the arena is not open yet a large unruly crowd has began to for on state st. Many of them are chanting "zed is dead" others "GOODY IS GOOD-Y": BUT AS THIS interviewer has come to learn theese people want MADNESS. they want to get MEDEVIL.

 

9:41....some small riots have broken out now, some people have accused local players as being rabble rousers...a large inflatable dragon has been installed on the roof of the chanticlear some say it will be a distraction, but the focused players on tour will not be so easily distracted.

 

9:44... yes i think i can see young tour rookie david "tilt" yantorno getting out of his limo, he is surrounded by many beautiful women, but he doesn't look like he has his head in the game....WOW he is being swarmed by the crowd, i must seek the safty of the chanti loft to continue this play by play.

 

 

9:47....after paying a six dollar cover i am now looking out of the window on the state street side and the crowd now chanting "lets go lifford" is lined up all the way to the diner.

 

9:51... we are getting close i will now sign off, slip into a phone booth, and change into........well you will see when the time is right

 

i wish all of my listners ROYAL MADNESS.

------------------

19980209

 

HZ

 

Subj:     200 million (to peeta)

Date:     98-02-09 09:18:59 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        peeta@epix.net

CC:       zed@aol.com

 

is my (and ithaca's) current highest on medieval madness.

 

i made it to the battle for the kingdom, and then missed the full wow by a a few mere castle shots.

 

i was woozy and unsure of my current zipcode when the fracas was over.

 

truly one of the highlites of my career.

 

HZ

-------------------

 

19980209

 

JG

 

Subj:     Re: the man -from jeff

Date:     98-02-09 15:11:49 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        zed@aol.com

 

zed,

            i am writing you this letter to express my deepest feelings of wow. you are an inspiration to all of us. i hope my days will be filled with as much wow as possible. i have to admit that my zenwowist spirit has benn in bad shape. my last few attempts of destroying the king of payne have been futile. i have been medatating all weekend long, have spent the last three days drug free, and have fasted all in an attempt to raise my status of wow back to where it once was. please help in my time of need.

 

forever in your shadow

            goody

--------------------

 

19980211

 

HZ

 

Subj:     wownet digital news (to lifford)

Date:     98-02-11 16:42:50 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        rwl1@cornell.edu

CC:       zed@aol.com

 

2.11.98 ITHACA NY USA

 

NO CLAIMS YET ON BIGBOARD BLANKING

 

the mystery still lingers like the smoke of the XL splee that was hanging from heavyweightZed's foul mouth at today's press conference. While the reseting of a bigboard would be seen as an act of instigation in just about any corner of the globe, this incidence of pinball piracy has struck a chord of dissonance in the over 1 billion zen wowists worldwide.

 

it isn't just any machine that has been reset. medieval madness is the machine of choice in international play as well as the english and american premier leagues, the famed italian serie a league, and the brHZillian torneo do campeanados league.

 

and it isn't in just any corner of the globe where this pinball machine has been brainwashed. ithaca ny usa is the birthplace and world capital of zen wowism. this small town has given birth to several of the world's greatest, including the late jason damberg, the father of modern pinball. In fact, the original and infamous p street dreads were all of this same quiet yet powerfully influential city: the ether induced spectacles of mattie "motherfucking" herman, the indominatable luscious santa, and crackpot / ijahmon heavyweightZed were all first seen here. in just a few short years ithaca also produced the gentle force of jeff "goody" goodmark and the rock and roll stylings of "laser" dave yanterna. even the 1997 IPF player of the year robbie lifford, has strong roots here in ithaca.

 

"sure enough this ting is no sleeptaker," said zed at today's conference. zed, with an fbi file as big as his trophy case, was at the top of the list of suspects, until --as reported earlier-- it was found that he had been in the hosptial for days undergoing robetussin abuse treatments. "an i'd like to say that i could've fucked that mahshin up regardless of robatussin. baldhead try to clean up this sport. dem look to goodmark an say 'he doesn't drink.' fuck that i say. whut's pinball without drink? whut the hell is that? pinball without drink is me little sistah playing with 'er dolls! at least goody smokes a mean bowl. he'd be a total disgrace to tha game otherwise."

 

 

**************

fuck. i can't finish this one.

friday is cool with i.

yanterna sez every top score is now a wow.

 

hallelujah /.

amen /.

let us all join together and praise the wholesome and goodness of

the wow.

 

i put up 80 on dimensia during my lunch break.

 

you'll be at the big battle in no time. i was where you were at a few days ago: all but castle crusher. it's just a matter of a few more days (dollars) with la machina. i haven't been since friday. so i might go tonite. battle for the kingdom nearly made me lose control of my bowels. more than ever, i felt that i was in the squared circle at MSG. complete, full action. i love that you can slap that machine around...

 

did i ever send you mattie herman's story?

you may have read it en route to doug's fish that one time...

 

:::::::::::jahloveZed::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

-------------

 

19980211

 

RL

 

Subj:     WowNet Digital News -From lifford

Date:     98-02-11 16:06:09 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        zed@aol.com

 

MEDIEVAL MADNESS SCORING SCANDAL?

2.11.97

 

In a shocking turn of events, the Chanticleer's prized pin was found yesterday with all of the high scores reset, with the exception of HeavyweightZed' 200+ million Grand Champion Score.

 

Zed was initially suspected of the indiscretion, as he's been known to attack competitors with tire irons, bicycle chains, and sacks full of doorknobs, but the fact that he has been hospitalized for 4 days following a Robitussin overdose has all but ruled out the suspicions.

 

"Dis 'ole ting REEKS of a bleedin' scandal," said Zed from his bed in the ICU, "but I ain't got a fucking thing to do wid it, an' yew kin print dat."

 

Rob Lifford, ever the opportunist, posted respectable but unspectacular scores in the upper 70 and lower 60 million range. In the former game, Lifford had managed to light 5 of 6 features for Battle for the Kingdom, falling short in only the "Castle Crusher" category.

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

19980224

 

JB

 

Subj:     Digi WoWnet, NW report -From burke

Date:     98-02-24 12:33:18 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        zed@aol.com

 

SEATTLE, WA- The throbbing commerce of downtown Seattle felt a disturbance in the Wow this Saturday when Justin "Hoagie" Burke, Wowist Crusader and former International Pinball Leauge personality, spanked the crap out of an unwitting Arabian Nights machine, but due to an untimely technical error, no record was kept of the experience. "I don't think it saw me coming, "Burke told reporters as he exited the newly built Gameworks on Pike St, "The Wow is strong here, but it goes greatly untapped. With all that raw power floating around, it's no wonder things are so fucked up."

 

Burke marched into the flashy Gameworks facility and amidst the piped in pop music and screaming, ADD inflicted children he immeadiatly scoped out the location of the elusive Arabian Nights machine, a machine so new it is still considered experimental in most international pinballer's associations "I don't care if it shoots fire out of it's ass and mixes martinis. It's spanking season and I got a hankerin' for some spankerin," Burke told a Gamework representative. And spank he did, but not without unfortunate mishap.

 

"Well, to be honest, it's the first time I ever touched this table, but I just let the Wow do it's thing. I was cruising along and then it just happend, ya know? I'm a little disapointed especially since this place is so stinkin' spic and span. You'd think they'd know how to maintain a pinball machine, those bastards!" Burke fumed. The incicdent he refered to was the mysterious table failure that occured as he grasped onto the cherished Extra Ball. "The Wow blessed me, but the Lord doth taketh away. I really hateth the Lord right now, " said the sacreligous Crusader.

 

Mr. Burke will be appearing at Seattle Center on Saturday, February 28th as part of his extended public service. He will be lecturing on Wowist theory and giving demonstrations in substance abuse.

---------------------

 

19980319

 

HZ

 

Subj:     :::::wownet digital news:::::::::::

Date:     98-03-19 16:03:31 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        peeta@aol.com, rwl1@cornell.edu, jcitron@lightlink.com, justin@nwspecialties.com

CC:       zed@aol.com

 

:::::::::wownet digital news::::::::::::::::

 

3.19.98 ithaca ny usa

 

goldstrike machine has been purchased!!!please remain calm:::goldstrike machine has been purchased::::please exit the building in an orderly fashion::::goldstrike machine has been purchased:::::please wear your hardhart at all times in this area::::the goldstrike machine has been purchased:::::no cameras are allowed beyond this point.

 

my mind is reeling with the heady goodness and warmth of the holy wow. resurrection ceremonies may begin as early as tomorrow.

---------------------

 

19980326

 

HZ

 

Subj:     big daddy rehab

Date:     98-03-26 09:12:09 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        rwl1@cornell.edu

CC:       zed@aol.com

 

splifford

 

gary marsden called me last nite to let me know that he called southshore automatics in response to their taking gary's money in exchange for a promise to deliver two pinball machines on monday, which of course they never did b/c those guys are on tropical island time or something although i don't see how that is possible when they have dozens of clients who depend on them all the time and all of those clients live here in ithaca but gary said there's gonna be a whole lot of trouble if he didn't get those machines right away so southshore said that the machines would absolutely be in his garage by 5pm today which means that we will have mr gold strike in the parlor by around 8pm this evening.

 

i'm hoping the three hour delay is enough to get gary's machine up and running as i anticipate few problems with his and then a little extra time to get goody's help to bring our machine to the promised land.

 

i will send a message to goody requesting his assistance directly.

---------------------

 

19980331

 

HZ

 

Subj:     :::::::::doubleslow lab reportgs-0201::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Date:     98-03-31 10:11:17 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        justin@nwspecialties.com

CC:       zed@aol.com

 

j burke

 

(the j is for 'jah')

 

the discovery of Mt. Wow makes my intestines churn with glee. i am oozing with selective enhancements. i will procreate in the choicest of venues.

 

i'm too tired to write an official report. goodie and nick got me stoned last nite at the haunt. the last thing i remember hearing was 'do you have a lighter.'

 

i woke up an hour and a half late today. i went to the ic job fair yesterday as a rep for cbord. i checked out all of the supple young chickens. i love them all.

 

gold strike, which was dead on arrival. is now a strong virile machine that is ready to procreate in the choicest of venues, namely the pinball room with dimension (i'm hoping to get a threesome going).

 

all i can say is that it is awesome. it is a wow when lit machine, but getting the wow is tough, man. the entire machine now works except that the pop bumpers are lit for 1000 points all of the time instead of during wow. i will fix that problem tonite. otherwise, it's easy easy tune up stuff. i lubed him up nice last nite. i will increase the top left flipper power tonite. he needs new rubber bands and targets and even a paint job (kristen will do that). but the machine works! i'm so fucking psyched.it certainly is not dimension, if anything, this machines re-enforces the coolness of dimensia, but gold strike is nothing to laugh at either.

 

peace out

 

z

-------------------

 

19980331

 

JB

 

Subj:     Update Required and other shit -from burke

Date:     98-03-31 09:39:27 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        zed@aol.com

 

Yo

 

Please send an update on the status of the newly aquired Goldstrike------- the NW Office needs info.

 

In other news, I went to Mt. Rainer yesterday and while I was there I found out that there is actually a Mt. Wow in the Cascade range. I saw it with my own eyes. Yes, that is right. I said that there is actually a real Mt. Wow in the state of Washington.

 

It's Monday and I don't like it.

 

Jah Hoag

-----------------------

 

19980409

 

HZ

 

Subj:     show me what yo mama gave ya (to goodman)

Date:     98-04-09 15:07:16 EDT

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        jcitron@lightlink.com

CC:       zed@aol.com

 

:::::::::wownet transmission start::::::::::::::::::::

 

to: agent 300 ft wow

from: hq

re: the goods

 

our latest shipments of the goods has arrived. new coils and demagnetized brackets should be installed by 20:00 wowist central time.

 

hans freischenmeyer, head doctor of the biological augmentation unit at the damberg memorial hospital, has reported that your mechanical implants are now ready for use. while at cayuga medical center, agent 300 ft. wow, the bones of your hands were removed and replaced with stanless steel joints. your new 'hands' should give superior flipper control and spanking power.

 

these are exciting times we live in, agent 3fw, and we expect great successes from your mission.

 

remember that the red warmth of the wow is within you, is without you.

 

hz

 

this message will self-destruct as soon as it is touched by your penis.

 

:::::::::wownet transmission end::::::::::::::::::::

------------------

 

19980413

 

JB

 

Subj:     Digital WoWnet -from burke

Date:     98-04-13 15:11:53 EDT

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        zed@aol.com

 

Digital Wownet 4/13/98

 

Seattle, WA----- Justin Burke, Administrator of the WoW and general public nuisance stumbled across what has been called "a fuckin' goldmine." According to Burke, he stumbled across what can be called the greatest collection of modern day pinball machines in the City of Seattle while scouting the city for potential site. "I've been looking for a freakin' Attack from Mars Table for about 6 months now and I found one! Praise Jah. But not only did I find AFM, I also came across all the other Williams greats. Hot damn. Where's my wallet?" Burke said.

 

While traveling dowm Seattles I-5, Burke made an unscheduled stop in the University District to check out Wizards of the Coast, one of Seattle's bloated, pseudo-corporate gaming centers. As he entered the center he claims his heart almost stopped when he found tucked in the corner the AFM machine as well as a Scared Stiff, two Medievial Madness tables, an Arabian NIghts and a Junkyard. There were also two Fastbreak machines hooked up for dual play. Burke comments, "I swear to God I had to hide the woody I got when I walked in that room. It was better than most kinds of earthy sex. I had been waiting for something like this to happen, but damn! Damn"

 

Mr. Burke kept saying "Damn" over and over again until he was escorted away by authorities.

 

Wizards of the Coast is owned by the compnay of the same name that manufactures and promotes the Magic:The Gathering game.

-------------------------

 

19980422

 

JG

 

Subj:     Re: ATTN: WOWNET USERS

Date:     98-04-22 11:00:20 EDT

From:    jcitron@lightlink.com (h)

 

 

:::::::::--WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS--:::::::::::

 

The time has come for goody aka ripshaw aka 300 giant wow aka yo' mama, to come out of retierment..... it has been three long weeks since the last time he has stepped up to the wow. and now with plenty of fanfare, and tons of media attention, the line is around the corner at the great chanti arena, and they are all there to see the legend in his own mind. there will be plenty of pre game interviews and of course color commentary by "Bob" and "Pat" (whoever they are) who are there to see if 300 g.wow can challenge the great heavyweightmotherfuckin'zed master flash. hw,mf,zed's record is long standing and some think it is as illusive as the great 61 in 61. more to come soon so stay tuned to this wownet channel.

 

annominous.

 

ps. lets go yankees

-------------------------

 

19980427

 

JB

 

Subj:     ::::Digital WoWnet:::::::4.23.98 -From burke

Date:     98-04-27 08:44:20 EDT

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

 

Seattle, WA------ The rain may have been pouring down outside, but inside the Funplex between Ballard and Queen Anne the WoW was providing a warming glow for the 30,000 fans in attendance for the semi-finals for the Mt. Wow Arabian Nights Invitational. Wowist monk and slave to fashion, Justin "Jah Hoag" Burke, put on a powerful performance in this round of play which was his first time in finals action since his recent return to the professional arena. After draining the first two balls almost immeadilatly, he summoned the power of the WoW to amHZe those in attendance by completeing all the Tales, collecting all the rubies, getting an extra ball and a replay on his final pin. "I ate a ton of trail mix before the round began. At first I thought I was just going to be sick, but as it turned out I played pretty well. If I could have gotten a little more action out of those first two balls, I could have saved the princess and maybe gotten to put the holy word on the big board," Burke told reporters at press conference after the match.

 

Burke's playing style has changed considerably since his days with the I-Town crew under the watchful and drunken eye of Heavyweight Zed of the P-Street Dreads. While his I-Town playing conformed to the local style-physical, punishing and often hallucinatory, his playing has become morespiritual. "Ol' Zed might be a tough ass, but underneath the drugs, alcohol, women, drugs and those sweatpants he's a man who is at one with the Wow. He also can eat at lot of chicken wings. That actually is what made me change my style. I can't eat that many wings anymore. It really softens up your play," Burke said in a phone interview this morning. "Either way, I've found a great fish and chips place and that means I'll still be fueled up to kick some ass in the final round."

 

You can catch the finals of the Mt. Wow Arabian Nights Invitational on ESPN 2 at 7 pm.            

-----------------------

 

19980511

 

JG

 

Subj:     SUPER JACKPOT -From goodie

Date:     98-05-11 10:16:10 EDT

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

 

:::::::::::::::::WOW NET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::::::::::

 

Dear fellow sirs,

 

There was something to be reckonin" with at the Chanti today. A force that only a few could understand. let me prerecquisit this story by explaining what took place on thursday night....... During a wow filled game of Maddness one kristen couse entered the bar with the messiah in hand. A giant sign that read nothing but "WOW". this sign was so powerful that it was hung up in the chanti above the machines immidetily so all could bask in its glory.

 

Today at about 1:30 pm est i felt it calling to me... so i journied to the place with only fifty cents in my pocket, but somehow i knew that great tings were about to happen. i choose Creature from the black lagoon in 3D to express my WOWness, and before i knew it a small crowd of drug users, challenge industries workers, and monkeys had assembled behind me. I delighted the crowd by slamming the ball through the center to score a perfect 80 million on "move your car" and then to the delight of crowd the famous double click for the replay.

 

On this day however, i was just getting started. Although it was raning out side the sun was sure shinning on me today. Three consecutive girls were saved including Jackpots, and super jackpots, and when the applause had stopped while i had the ball trapped on the right flipper we all looked up to see a score of 2,030,340, eaisly enough for the high score but still 800,000 short of the preset grand champ.

 

I signed a few autographs, and then was on my way, but as i was leaving i overheard two guys saying "he i one of the best"............

 

Yours as always in WOW

jeff "goody" goodmark aka 300 giant wow

---------------------

 

19980706

 

PI

 

Subj:     The official announcement... -Forwarded

Date:     98-07-06 08:41:33 EDT

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        zed@aol.com

 

I have obtained a ticket to the holy land of sin and other great things.

 

I will arrive at the altar of greed and corruption at 3:31pm on friday july 24th. I hope you will arrive in a timely manner. The only downside is an early, 11:15am, departure back to WOW headquarters east. Hopefully by that time I will have reached inner WOW and time will no longer have any meaning.

 

When I recieve my first credit card that has a limit over $200 (which should be today or tomorrow) I will secure us a room. It will come out to about $70 a person for the two nights (tax and room charges and shit).

 

The time has come to fulfill our wowist needs and the place is the famous glimmering light in the desert. Leave your morals and any sense of decency in Ithaca and take the plunge into the collective hoopla. Double your science? You may be able to triple it!

 

The time has come to collect rules sheets from as many sources as possible. Get to work and prepare for this blessed occasion.

 

Luscious Santa

------------------------------

 

19980722

 

HZ

 

Subj:     :::::wownet digital news::::::::: to pete

Date:     98-07-22 13:48:52 EDT

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        Robert_Lifford@amanet.org, justin@nwspecialties.com, Peeta@aol.com

CC:       zed@aol.com

 

7.22.98

ithaca ny usa

 

the rumors have just been confirmed at wow hq in ithaca ny: justin burke, aka Jah Hoag, aka The Notorious BRK, aka Nobody Fucks the Sound Guy, has officially dropped out of Pinball Fantasy 98.

 

while fighting back tears at today's press conference, pinball icon heavyweightZed said that he was 'crushed, and extremely saddened' by Jah Hoag's last minute withdrawal from the tournament. heavyZ went on to say that team pleasant 'shall carry on with our heads up.' he then displayed the scorpion pendant that he will wear in memory of his bedridden and watermelon-legged friend.

 

burke was (apparently) bitten by a scropion while taking a whiz at a local phish show in the NW corner of the usa.

 

'what i am most concerned about now,' said zed 'is that papa i brings the same quantity and quality of reefer that we could always expect from Jah Hoag.'

 

z

-------------------

 

19980722

 

PI

 

Subj:     URGENT NEWS FOR HEAVYWEIGHTZED>>>>URGENT NEWS>>>>>>MESSAGE WILLSELF-DESTRUCT -From

Date:     98-07-22 13:34:33 EDT

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        zed@aol.com

 

Zed-

 

I just got a message from hoagie's brother and it appears that he is in the hospital after "being bit by a poisonous creature" at a recent Phish show. I have his phone number at the hospital and I'm going to call him in a couple hours (because of the time zone thing). His brother seemed to think that he won't be joining us. This is a tough blow to the wowist convention. I'll see what I can do.

 

Agent Slo

--------------------

 

19980722

 

PI

 

Subj:     NEWS UPDATE>>>>>>>>>NEWS UPDATE -From pete

Date:     98-07-22 13:34:55 EDT

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        zed@aol.com

 

This is not intended as joke...      

 

This is Agent Slo reporting that I have just spoken to Jah Hoag in the Portland County Hospital. While enjoying a phish show this past weekend, Mr Hoag went into the woods to take a wiz. On his way out of the woods he was bitten my a scorpion (not the "Rock Me Like A Hurricane" kind) and his leg began to swell to the size of a "watermellon". Since the incident Jah Hoag, minister of the church of universal light, has not been able to stand and he now requires a walker to even get to the bathroom. He has CANCELLED his plans to travel to Las Vegas for the WOW Buffet and says that it will take a miracle for him to feel better by friday. I assured him that all the high preists would be praying for just such a miracle.

 

The key point of news here is that Jah Hoag has CANCELLED his plans to go to Vegas and it is now up to the honourable Heavyweight Zed and P Slo to carry on the name and essence of WOW.

 

A reply is requested.

 

P Slo

---------------------

 

19980723

 

PI

 

Subj:     AP (NEW YORK) -from pete

Date:     98-07-23 09:03:15 EDT

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        zed@aol.com

 

"Wow or Owww?"

 

AP (NEW YORK)- Sources say that another one of the four high priests of the new cult of Zen Wowism will not be able to attend the festivities in Las Vegas this weekend.

 

Justin ("Hoagie") Burke was admitted to Portland County Hospital for examination after being bit by a scorpion at the Gorge concert facility near Portland, OR. Burke was alledgedly "taking a whiz" when the scorpion, a symbol of evil in the Cherokee tradition, came up behind him and stung his foot.

 

This weekend Las Vegas will host the annual Pinball Fantasy pinball tournament and Zen Wowist Conversion Seminar. Burke was expected to bring "holy herbs" from the northwest region of the US. High Priest P Slow (a.k.a. Peter Imbres) will bring a carbonated beverage named "Ting" that can only be found in New York City and High Priest Heavyweight Zed (a.k.a. HeavyweightZed) was to bring the official Zen Wowist "stationary."

 

Immediately rumors spread about a conspiracy involving politicans as high up as the President of the United States. PR spokesperson, Rob Lifford, denies this.

 

"This is about a bunch of people getting together and playing pinball. The presence of on-site blood tranfusions only suggests that these boys know how to have a good time." he said. Lifford, sometimes considered high priest Spliffy, was unable to attend the confrence due to the lack of a tolerance to LSD in his current blood system. Sources say that he plans on being in better shape for next year's event.

 

Imbres was reached for comment earlier today.

 

"It's a shame. Kids come from all over the world to try to drink Jah Hoag under the table and Hoag won't even have a chance to dose their drinks. This scorpion is just another attempt from the right wing to stop all the big players of Zen Wowism to be in the same room at the same time. You can poison the WOW but you can't stop its glow." he said abruptly and tripped over a seam in the carpet.

 

Zed was available only briefly for comment but its relevance was suspect.

 

"I don't know nothing about Portland but I do know that one of you bastards stole my Kermit the Frog talking Pez dispenser. Nobody's leaving until I get it back. Where are you kermy!?!?!" he said. "I'm feeling dizzy."

 

The Zen Wowists have anounced the five main topics for their convention this weekend. Zed will give two lectures entitled "Dimension: The Game and the Mindset" and "Alfred M. Hubbard: The Wavy Years". Imbres will also give two lectures entitled "I Was a Paranoid Teenage Acid Freak, How 'Bout You?" and "Resin and Other Real Life Extra Balls". Lifford will appear on the Diamondvision before the awards ceremony to deliver his piece on right wing pinball entitled "Sega is for Gay Catholic Girls."

 

The opening ceremony will be at 3pm Friday at the Riviera. Zed is expected to stumble in later in the afternoon.

 

7-22-98 4:51pm

-----------------------

 

19980727

 

JB

 

Subj:     :::::Digital Wownet:::::::::

Date:     98-07-27 17:47:54 EDT

From:    Justin@NWSPECIALTIES.COM (Justin)

To:        rlifford@hotmail.com ('Little Robbie Lifford'), Robert_Lifford@amanet.org ('Robert Lifford'), HZ@cbord.com ('Zedtafaria'), zed@aol.com ('zed@aol.com'), Peeta@aol.com ('Peeta'), jcitron@lightlink.com ('Goodmark/Citron')

 

Seattle, WA 7/27/98

 

In an exlcusive interview granted to NW WoW World MagHZine, High Priest Jah Hoag fills us in on the highly rumored incident in the E. Washington Desert. Here's an excerpt.

 

WoW World: Did it hurt?

 

JH: Yes. Quite a bit. Pissed me off that it wasn't a pinball related injury. I don't mind if I loose a few pints of blood while playing Medevil Madness, but I was just taking a leak. Not only that, but the union's insurance wouldn't cover me.

 

WoW World: Ouch.

 

JH: Damn straight.

 

WoW: Any feelings about missing PBF 98?

 

JH: Whaddyou think? I was pissed. But let me tell you something, it really let me think about how important pinball is to me. I have refocused the energy of the Wow into a new intensity. From now on, I will do my best to eminate the Wow from every pore and orifice in my body.

 

WoW: That's kinda gross.

 

JH: Yes. Yes it is.

 

WoW: Well.....okay. Thanks.

 

JH: Peace to the people. You got a diet soda or something?

 

WoW: We've got a few cans of Ting.

 

JH: Okay. You have any ice?

 

WoW: I think so. Do you want some crackers or anything?

 

JH: Are they Ritz?

 

WoW: No. Saltines.

 

JH: No thanks. I'll stick with the Ting.

 

WoW: That's cool............so.................see any good movies recently?

 

JH: No.

-----------------------

 

19980821

141115

RL

 

Subj:     :::::wownet news pt 2:::::::::: -from lifford

Date:     98-08-21 14:11:15 EDT

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        zed@aol.com

 

NEWS FLASH: Lifford kicks ass at pinball, fumbles with computer

 

NY, NY--Rob "Spliffy" Lifford, the new Champion Pub "Pub Champion," was proven today to be as idiotic at his computer terminal as he is brilliant behind the flippers.

 

"I was extollin' me own skills in an e-mail to the boys," said a bloodshot-eyed, wobbly Lifford, "when some idiot raided my cubicle! I was caught off guard and wound up sendin' out an incomplete message when I scrambled to minimize. Should've gone with the old alt+tab standby..."

 

Lifford, who last night spanked the royal shit out of the Champion Pub pin at a bar called Max Fish on the lower east side, was beside himself with joy, sobbing as he punched in the initials W-O-W when the 140,000,000+ point extravaganza had come to a close. "Even if this isn't the first-ever entry of the Holy WOW to a pinball game in New York City, it is for me, and that's someting The Man can never take away--unless he invents some kind of hideous memory erasing ray, which I suppose he will any day now. Anyway, who would have ever believed that an albino ex-con divorced dyslexic HIV-positive amputee like myself could find success in the tough pinball scene in New York City--if I can make it here, I'll make it anywhere.

 

Start spreadin' the news..."

 

Lifford then burst into song. Authorities were forced to administer 300 cc's of horse tranquilizers to make him stop.

 

##

-----------------------------

 

19980821b

141123

RL

 

Subj:     :::::wownet news 8.5.98:::::::: -from lifford

Date:     98-08-21 14:11:23 EDT

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        zed@aol.com

 

New York, NY--Rob "Spliffy" Lifford, after decades of shame, ignominy, and general second-banana status, has emerged as an unlikely hero at Bally's latest pin, Champion Pub. His score, in excess of 135 million, was crowned

--------------------------------

 

19981015

 

HZ

 

Subj:     :::::::WOWNET DIGITAL TRANSMISSION:::::::::::::::::

Date:     98-10-15 08:29:02 EDT

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

 

 

having a difficult time fending off reporters and fans...

please advise of when the MFhermalope will arrive in i-town.

 

:::::end transmission

--------------

 

19981027

 

HZ

 

From: HeavyweightZed

To: Imbres, Peter

Cc: peeta@aol.com

Subject: :::::wownet digital transmission:::::::::::::::::

Date: Tuesday, October 27, 1998 8:48AM

 

dear mr santa,

 

it has been brought to our attention that wowist headquarters failed to pay you the homage befitting one of our greatest spiritual and flipperal leaders.

 

we have suffered several computer blackouts as of late, resulting in the temporary loss of data.

 

certainly this is no excuse to let the birth of lush-S go by without at least a firm handshake, which is what you're getting now.

-----------------------

 

19981124

 

HZ

 

Subj:     :::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::::::::::::

Date:     98-11-24 13:48:03 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        awillusz@avfx.com, gar1@cornell.edu, eklein@essential.org, cibert@fltg.net, RLifford@hotmail.com, tingboy61@hotmail.com, jcitron@lightlink.com, Revmasterj@nwspecialties.com, pimbres@shandwick.com

CC:       zed@aol.com

 

11.24.98

ithaca ny usa

 

After nearly a year of political deadlock and false promises, history once again graced ithaca as the Center for Zen Wowism announced today that funding has been approved for the WOW Advancement Project. Also referred to as WOW2000 and Project MegaWOW, the WOW Advancement Project promises to be a tremendous asset to the world pinball community.

 

It seemed fit that this announcement be made in the same small town that has produced the best pinballers of several generations, including the now-deceased Father of Modern Pinball, Jay Damberg, the rudeboy stylings of the Notorious Pleasant Street Dreds, and Wowist spiritual leaders L Santa and Good E, among others.

 

heavyweightZed joined FIPA president Jorge Elumhio Cansilcao of Brasil today for this historical moment. 'Yes, wehl, thuh whay we see it, we excpect these advancements in wow to tuhn ohn peopul who might othawise be ahdverse to the intake of the powafull halucinagins and other nahcotics that mhake pinbol such a beautiful expehrience,' said heavyweightZed.

 

In a brHZen publicity stunt, some of the details of Project MegaWOW where withheld at today's conference. However, Cansilcao was able to inform a jubilant public of the following advancements: Disco Ball hookups for Singleside WOW, strobe effects for Full WOW, and what heavyZ described as 'burn out yeh bleeding pupils extra bohl lahmps that will activate in time with thuh foucking megaclickers.'

 

'The effect we're luking for 'ere is foh the playuh to soil 'is pahnts or possibly pahss out each time he scores an extra one. Try ahnd buy that foh you're bleeding playstation, yuh sally little cyberslags!'

 

Amidst a barrage of questions concerning tilts, High WOW, and --perhaps most importantly-- new advancements in megaclickology, Cansilcao was only able to divulge that two paths are currently being pursued for the next era of the megaclick. "We seeking... to further the amplify... of the click via additional microphones... and the even larger speakers... or perhaps to simple create... a much larger click device." this final statement was nearly drowned out with tremendous, almost violent, celebration that will most certainly last for several days.

 

The final question that now remians is 'When?' heavyweightZed, who later divulged that he 'had taken a bit of lude tea' before the press conference was not fully able to respond, but he did have these final remarks before being escorted out of the room by michelle imbrugglia: 'me ahnd a few of the engineering boys... 'ave olready laiyed ouht the plahns... very good stuff... we're seeing eye to eye ohn it... we'll certainly 'ave that discow bol ahnd possibly the megaclick lights in time fo' the pahty. . . ah michelle, could i offer you a bit of tea?'

 

It is assumed that the 'party' in question is the anual Booze and Lovin Formal that is scheduled to take place on December 5th in ithaca.

 

--wownet digital news

------------------------

 

19981129

 

RL

 

Subj:     Re: :::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::::::::::::

Date:     98-11-29 01:23:41 EST

From:    rlifford@hotmail.com (Rob Lifford)

 

:::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

 

11.29.98

Taejon, South Korea

 

PINBALL FAMINE IN ASIA CONTINUES

 

R. Splifford, once a thriving member of the the legendary Ithaca, NY "Community of the Wow," has reported that his attempts to find pinball in South Korea have been fruitless for almost two full months now.

 

"I said I knew what I was gettin' into when I came here," Splifford remarked, "but the fact is I'm a fucking liar." Splifford has suffered from bizarre flipper-finger muscle atrophy, nightmares about playing "Sonic the Hedgehog" and "Street Fighter 2" while shackled to a Sony Playstation, and a strange inablility to pronounce the word "wow."

 

"My condition was worsened by a severe pin-tease a few weeks back," Splifford said, choking back tears. "I found a Johnny Mnemonic table in a local arcade, but the bleedin' machine was unplugged and obviously in serious disrepair. To make matter worse, I'm tormented by children at my place of employment playing a crappy demo version of PC Pro Pinball. It's NOT the real thing, dammit!"

 

Splifford slipped into a coma early this morning when the United Nations Relief Fund cancelled its plans to drop an Attack from Mars machine by parachute. A UN commented that "the danger of crushing some poor sod is too great, and besides, this is just too fucking silly."

 

#########

------------------

 

19990103

 

HZ

 

Subj:     to goodie

Date:     99-01-13 10:52:40 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        jcitron@lightlink.com

 

sirs

 

i am writing to inform you of the awesome destructive power

of the wow. like hurricanes, floods, and tornadoes, the

elemental forces of our world can lay to ruin -in an instant-

generations of human labor.

 

the wow, and particularly my right hand, is no exception.

not only does my right hand allow me to masturbate up to

eighteen times a day, it is also one half of the lethal 1-2

combination known as the bitchslap save.

 

now, i'll be honest with you when i say that i was hankering

for a spankering after a few paltry games of wc soccer 94

last week. i'm pretty sure that it was eric klein who stepped

up to that machine next. i was forced to 'play' T2.

 

i'm certainly not the toughest on that machine. there's many

with higher scores than i, but -during a particularly tarty

multiball- i saw the ball going to the middle. i had enough

time to really wind up; you would have thought i was hailing

a cab with my right hand. but, no...

 

and then, Lo! the mighty right hand did come down upon the

flipper button and a mighty Spank was heard throughout the

bar! the loathsome machine shuddered, but the left hand

showed compassion and the ball was saved!

 

with full multiball still in play, i continued the sermon. i went

to hit the right flipper button, but it was sharp, it hurt. mike

costello said 'oh god! the button!' and picked it up off the

floor. he tried to place the mutilated thing back in its socket.

but there were multiballs to be locked! there was wow to be

preached! and i waved him off in disgust. the balls were

locked, and despite the pain and difficulty, that game was

good for the number 4 score on the board. the liberated

flipper button was put in my pocket. a sign of warning to

those who feel they can outspank heavyZ.

 

i thank you for your time,

 

heavyweightZed

====================

 

 

19990128

 

HZ

 

Subj:     pinball 2000

Date:     99-01-28 16:23:30 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        zed@aol.com, cibert@fltg.net, rlifford@hotmail.com, tingboy61@hotmail.com, jcitron@lightlink.com, justin@nwspecialties.com, pimbres@shandwick.com

 

::::::::wownet digital transmission:::::::::::

 

gentlemen,

 

please review the following website:

 

http://www.pinball2000.com/

 

bally/williams has unveiled its new plans for 'the future of pinball.' i believe this to be the beginning of the end.

 

(herm: this has a striking resemblance to the halucitech corporation. if they were to eliminate pinball via non-violent means, this would be it.)

 

as wowists, we must determine the potential ramifications of this development.

 

-heavyweightZed

 

::::::::::::e n d t r a n s m i s s i o n::::::::::::::::

-----------------

 

19990202

 

JG

 

Subj:     Re: Wownet Digi....Hi-Score Tourny Report to Korean agentSplifford. -from goodie

Date:     99-02-02 11:28:50 EST

From:    Goody

To:        zed@aol.com

 

it is very important to always believe in the WOW. even when you are trying to get a piece of ass. the wow will show you the way. never the less you made a strong showing for WOWists everywhere. Unfortunally there is not too much WOW related news here in I-town. zed and I hold every grand champ score in town. Worldcup soccer ans T2and the chapter house, addams family and maddness at the chanty, and wirlwind at the haunt. That is it! but dont worry we represent!

 

yours in WOW

goody

-------------------------

 

19990205

 

JB

 

Subj:     Wownet Digi....Hi-Score Tourny Report to Korean agentSplifford. -from burke

Date:     99-02-05 09:57:19 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        zed@aol.com

 

Okay you Korean teachin' freak! I'll tell you about some pinball. I'll tell you about some freakin' pinball!

 

So it was a Thursday night or something like that and I had just sucked a few divine hits of the beautiful vaporizor that I am proud to call my own. I had been purposefully not thinking about pinball most of the week, except for the little pinball demon that clomps around in the hallways of my brain. I wasn't untill we had stepped out the door, box full of extra ball magHZines to hand out to the pinball horny public, that I started thinking about what was about to happen.

 

You see when I first moved to this city, I mean like the first freakin day I was here, I went to a pinball tounament at Shorty's and was in absolute awe of what I saw there. Pinball unlike I had ever seen before! I didn't think I could ever be that good. So there I was walking down to Hi-Score to

compete in a pinball tournament a little over a year after that first night in Seattle. Doug and I had our usual going-to-play-pinball talk, but the whole time I was trying so very hard not to break out in a cold sweat.

 

Being a wowist, I knew that gettin' so dern fussed up over a little ol' game a pinball was against everything I was taught as a child. It was a struggle. Part of me wanted to just go with it and feel as nervous as I needed to be, but the othe part of me was just too high from those vaporizor hits a few moments before. I had no choice but to be a jumble of pinball feelings taking it one moment at a time.

 

That first moment, as we walked through the smokers hanging out by the front door of the arcade was something perhaps only two shakes short of being magic. I say this in complete seriousness. The place was full to the gills with pinball people. The energy that filled the room seeped inbetween the cracks of my stoned mind and put me on an edge. The competetion was about to begin in a matter of minutes. I had a short time to qualify. Doug split off to hand out mags and check the scene and I floated over to the counter to register for the show.

 

And what to my wondering eyes did a appear but a minature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer....well, not really, but I did see BEJ, otherwise known as The Pinball Girl otherwise known as Beth otherwise known as the sister of the guy who was running the tournament othr wise known as that girl I went on a date with and she kicked my ever loving butt all over the playfeild and god be damned but I liked it! There she was. I waved a little wave. Myabe said hi. She didn't respond really, but I knew she knew I knew that she knew I was there. You get my drift.

 

I handed a sensitive looking guy in a pale green sweater five dollars and he busted out a 3X5 card. "Intitals?" he asked.

 

"WOW", I said. Of course.

 

He handed me my card and showed me what I needed to beat to qualify for the tourny. There were two tables being used as qualifiers- Expresway- a machine I knew would be used because BEJ loved it and this infernal football game that I knew would be a part of the event because it was so damn annoying. Expressway had a long line and I only had a few minutes to get 21 points (the game is scored like football with yards gained for targets and feild goals and all that shit). I didn't even have a quarter. BEJ appeared out of perky nowhere. She was going to be my cheering section. She had seen me play and suck. She needed to see if I really could walk the walk. Or maybe not. Mind you I was stoned and swimming on a million heart beats a second. BEJ's brother, BUG, was also there. It was his tourney. He lent me a quarter or maybe Doug did. I don't remember.

 

I had two bad balls and one decent one which gave me the bare minimum of 21. My second game resulted in a tilt which left me having to spend another 5 bucks to get another 3X5 and two more chances to get a higher ranking for the tourny. I got a 24 which bumped me up off the bottom by just a little itty bit. I could take it.

 

First match was me against LEE, a fellow who Doug knew via e-mail, a pinball playing dude who moved in slow shy energy. Probably a real sweetheart, but both Doug and I knew that I was probaly going to get the shit kicked out of me.

 

I won't give you the ball by ball, but he won, I won one and we had a tie. We had to play a third to see who moved on in the winner bracket. After two shakey games, the wow flashed a little thigh and I won! I won! I won! Ready now for round two.

 

Round two was against a dude called _X_ . Around his waist was a belt the had ROCK AND ROLL spelled out in silver tiny rivets. On his hands, black leather bikers gloves with the fingers cut out. He opted to play just one game. Winner takes it all. We stepped up to Wizard, the Tommy movie game that is freaking hard. Step up to the mic DJ Hoag and spin your wowy ryhmes. I kicked that motherfucker's ass so hard he's still rubbin it! Yeeha! I rolled the machine over! I got 120,000 points! The best electromechancial pinball I've ever played! On now to round three! Round Threee!!!!!

 

Of course, I was to play BEJ.

 

Doug might tell this part better because I was really nervous now. I mean the herbation vibration was still going strong and even though the wow smiled on me in many ways, I still felt shaky and teetering on the edge of wow implosion. I have to admit....it happend.

 

Using a well honed mind control technique that is somehow connected to my anti-machsimo device (located next to the wuss button), she esentially freaked me out of doing well at all. It was pathetic and to tell you the truth I was glad to get it over with! I spent so much time building that up I'll bet you thought I was going to kick her booty all around. No such luck, buster. The wow was off in the bathroom taking a leak for that round.

 

But in the words of the great one, Zedtafaria, "Papa don't take no mess". I was still in the running despite my deafeat and who was I to play but LSD himself.

 

LSD was sporting the latest in fahsions from the pinball Gap- a black Ninja suit, a pair of silver aviator goggles, and a silver crown. His demanor suited his costume. After every drain, he got down on one knee in a sign of respect. The fact that WOW was playing LSD was something to think about. As I watched Doug smoke a cigarette before the match, we pontifacted how the forces of the universe might come together or tear us all apart.

 

It was another tie situation. LSD won the first by a long shot and made it obvious that he was the better player. The second game I won beacuse of a lucky ball that bult up a decent bonus. Game three, the tie breaker, started out, for me badly. LSD was in fine form and was going to kick my ass. I played my last ball (this was on Wizard again BTW) and something occured that allowed me to double my score in bounus, putting me in a not very comfortable lead. LSD was playing well. His magic was better than mine and I was beginning to accept that. He was well on his way to poking me in the po-po when the ball, in ABC Sports slo-mo hit the rail betwen the out and in-lanes. LSD, in an attempt to knock the ball into the in-lane.........tilted.........game over....WOW had won (that was me!). Yeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

 

I had made it to the round before the round before the final round! My next oppenent was TOM and to be honest the game I played with him was rather uneventful except that it was another 1-1 tie. In the final game he spanked me like a little bitch.

 

BUT SO WHAT!!!! I had a at fuckin' time and we handed out magHZines and BEJ said she liked me once and I got to play on the jukebox and there were lots of pinball people there and they were all nice and I got pretty far and I was happy! I was happy! Yeah for me! I was happy!

 

Doug and I celbrated with a few pints of Guiness at the bar down the street and basked in the wowy goodness that was baked up just for us. Lovin in the oven. 350 degress.

 

End of story.

 

Jah Hoag

----------------------

 

19990211

 

HZ

1

Subj:     ::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::

Date:     99-02-11 14:04:39 EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

To:        eklein@essential.org, cibert@fltg.net, rlifford@hotmail.com, tingboy61@hotmail.com, jcitron@lightlink.com, Revmasterj@nwspecialties.com, pimbres@shandwick.com

CC:       zed@aol.com

 

DREDS DO DAMAGE AT CORNELL

2.11.99

 

ITHACA NY USA. What was meant to be a lowkey reconnaissance mission turned out to be yet another escapade of whiskey-fueled swagger and property damage Tuesday night. When Team Pleasant began to suspect that Cornell University, Inc. had been violating its end of the Northeastern Pinball Accord, they decided to 'cut through' the bureaucracy so that 'immediate sanctions could take effect.' With the Dreds, however, cutting through the red tape involved actual switchblades, and it was only under the auspices of international diplomatic immunity that P Street was able to walk away from Cornell Corporate Headquarters without arrest.

 

'I don't care about their bleeding defacement 'lawh,' said a slightly bruised Mattie Herman as he was escorted off the corporate campus. 'They soigned an agreement thaht sed therd be pinbol 'ere. Trick Shot? A foucking Trick Shot machine with a feeble little dot matrix in it? I know a foucking lot abouht tricks, especially in Rio, and I know a foucking lot about shots,' said Herman as he slapped his needle-scarred forearm, 'ahnd that machine had neither! It had bullocks for flippers ahnd it weighed about 2 stone. I could 'ave walked out with it on me bahck! 'Ow's something so littul supposed to stand up to a good spanking?'

 

The machine in question was found with three ruptured leg joints, a scratched and marred backglass, and spit and vomit on top of the playfield. The words 'Mother's Pinball' were scrawled in blood across the side of the cabinet. Authorities hope that the blood will turn out to be Herman's own.

 

'Roight. It's natural selection.' said Zed when asked to defend his actions. 'Thaht machine was weak and unpleasurable. We wouldn't want thaht koind of filth to spread, now would we? Perhaps 'sahnctions' would not have been made if there were other ahnd good machines, but the only other machine was a sally Corvette game at the bowling alley! In the whole of the cahmpus! I looked at Hermie ahnd sed 'Bolls to that! A tax shall be levied!' Ahnd then we goht down to the business. You should have seen 'ow that machine buckled under Hermie's pelvic bumping! Caw! It would 'ave tipped right over if not fohr the wall be'ind it!'

 

Several witnesses stated that they saw Zed hit the machine so hard that 'it just blacked out' and 'totally shut down.' Six sorority girls were taken away for questioning after they were seen coming out of the girls room amidst a large cloud of greasy smoke with Zed and Herman.

 

One witness, a senior clarinet major who lives by herself, gave the following account: 'They all kind of staggered out together, like a litter of puppies. The girls' faces were flushed and they were breathing heavy. One girl was coughing. Their hair was all over, and that horrible man [Zed] kept sticking his tongue in another girl's ear. He was touching her... her... It was horrible!'

 

'The real problem 'ere, said an enraged Herman as he was stuffed into the backseat of his limo by plainclothes police, 'is noht the Dreds. Since when 'ave the Dreds been a problem? It's a 'ole loht bigger than that. I don't doubt for a moment that Cornell Incorporated is in the sack with the Pinbol 2000 people, ahnd there's going to be 'ell to pay for that. Foucking 'ell for that!'

 

-wownet digital news

--------------------

 

19990212

 

RL

 

SPLIFFORD TAKES RESPONSIBILITY FOR CORNELL PINBALL MASSACRE

2.12.99

 

TAEJON, SOUTH KOREA--In a move that has stunned the international pinball community, expatriate pinhead Bobby Splifford has stepped up to take the blame for a pinball defacement episode that took place at Cornell University, some 10,000 miles from his current home in Asia.

 

"It's all me fault," Splifford said at a press conference late last night. "I made the referral that put the Dreds on the CU campus in the first place. These men are like animals that can't be held accountable for their actions. When a wolf kills a sheep, do you try to press fuckin' charges? Of course not. You take measures to keep the wolves happy--give them what they need."

 

"Of course," Splifford continued, "this unpleasant incident could have been avoided if Cornell had had the foresight to give the wolves what they needed. But that can't be expected of any pissheaded, lumbering corporation, now can it--so I'll take full responsibility for me mates."

 

Cornell is currently attempting to attain extradition papers that would see Splifford forcibly removed from South Korea to stand trial in the US. The South Korean government has vowed to do all they can to protect Splifford, citing that "Mr. Splifford's preaching of the wow is essential to the further development and modernization of the country. If we can just get a few damn machines over here, he can show us the promised land."

 

########################

------------------

 

19990525

 

HZ

 

:::::M E M O:::::::::

 

TO: All Agents

FROM: Agent HeavyweightZed

RE: Wowist Activity in Madrid

 

Gentlemen:

 

I am happy to report that the potential for WOW in Madrid is, indeed, quite high. As determined before my departure, I have acquired a room that is within two minutes' walking of La Gran Vía, the Broadway of Madrid. Although I have yet to distribute large amounts of WOW to the populace, I have encountered several pinball machines in the handful of arcades into which I have wandered, including Dr. Who, Indianapolis 500, Addams Family, World Cup Soccer, etc.

 

It seems that the country of Spain is, generally, in tune with the WOW. They constantly repeat phrases such as "There's time." And "What will be will be." They prefer to nap at around 2pm, and drink till about 6am. Despite what your bank teller may tell you, the local currency seems to be 'el culo,' or 'the buttocks.' Spanish women wear the tightest pants I have ever seen. They have some sort of genetic program that produces a very high caliber of culo. I believe that we should attempt to import this product in The States.

 

Although I have encountered many mechanisms of the WOW (ie: pinball machines; I'll probably get some exctasy tonite or tomorrow –Friday or Saturday—and will certainly have hash within 36 hours, I already bought a bowl), most of the machines are at least in minor disrepair. Interestingly, this lack of mechanical vigilance seems concurrent with the heavy wowist undertones of this culture. They see the machine is broken. They innately understand its importance, yet they say something like 'Ahh… I would rather have a drink and take a nap. Perhaps I will fix it tomorrow; after I get some culo.' Tomorrow, or course, never really comes round.

 

I kid you not when I say that approximately one third of all businesses in Madrid are bars and pubs. I don't get it. It's totally shocking as I walk around. Everyone, businessmen and women, students, labor-types…. They are all in bars or pubs all the time! A study conducted by the European Economic Community found that Spain has more bars than the rest of the Community combined! Not only is this totally true, this study included Ireland and Italy…

 

Although the pinball costs approximately 66 cents for three balls (the exchange rate is better than it used to be), I can purchase a box of wine for about 85 cents! It is a full liter, is 11% booze by volume, and can be purchased in any grocery store / bodega in the country (the closet being 20 seconds from my current location)! You may assume that I am red at this time. Please read this paragraph a second time so that you can take in its full significance.

 

Otherwise, I have little else to report. It's 10:50pm right now on Friday night. I'm gonna take a shower soon and go out. I was out till 4am my first and second nites here. In the morning, I wake up, eat breakfast for an hour, and walk around. I write down everything that comes my way and ask a lot of questions. My Spanish is surprisingly kick-ass. I learn more by the day, and it is easy to make myself understood. I can even tell jokes sometimes. I'm feeling totally irie at all times and enjoy this line of work immensely.

 

Gentlemen, I wish you the very best in your personal endeavors, as well as in the endeavors of the agency as a whole. Rest assured that, in the next three weeks, I will be spanking that Dr. Who machine like a twenty dollar whore. Make it hurt so bueno, baby! ņQuién es tu Santa?

 

19990526

 

HZ

 

:::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::::::::

 

HEAVY Z BUSTS A NUT

5.26.99

 

MADRID, SPAIN HeavyweightZed splattered several litres of WOW atop the playfied of a Revenge From Mars P2K machine earlier yesterday evening. Local authorities were notified after hZ replayed on the first ball, and they responded quickly by closing off the area within a 100 meters of the machine.

 

'Ehmm, we are theenkeeng thaht theese WOW eees gowing to bee eh loht ohf WOW,' said Capitan Oscar Sanchez Ruíz of the Santo Domingo unit of the Madrid Municipal Police. 'Wee arre to 'ave respect forr El EhveeweightesZed, but also wee do noht wayn't peepul to bee hurt.' Government officials later praised the quick thinking of the local law enforement agencies for considering the welfare of the local citizens, but also for practicing good diplomacy in a politically tenuous situation. Because of the lack of quality machines, HeavyweightZed had earlier threatened to leave the Iberian Sol Tour several weeks ahead of schedule and thus tarnish Spain's image as a fun and liberal tourist destination. 'Thee police acted bery well,' said National Minister of Tourism Alejandro Zamora Cajédro. 'If El EhveeweightesZed cannot 'ave fun 'ere in Espain, it will be thought that no person cahn 'ave fun in the country that is Espain.'

 

'It's good that they cleared out… No one ever said that pinboll's for kids,' said a visably expended HeavyweightZed after the marathon 33 minute match, 'well not unless they are 16 year old chickens, anyway. . . I think the lawh 'andled it quite wehll, to be frahnk. I mean, I could barely funnle thaht much WOW meself, and I'm a trained professional! Plus I take custom tailored drugs like Mitsubishi brand X to help me through these mohments when the WOW really spikes. I think they werh pahticularhly paytient with me since this 'ole Spanish tour has been such a letdown so far. But when I found a virginal P2K machine I knew thatht it was time to shake it sleHZy.'

 

Although he crushed the previous grandchamp score and even made it to the final stage of the game, Attack the Mothership, Zed reiterated his stance on P2K: 'Roight. Let's get two things straight then. Fihst ohff, I took that machine with me as me date to the Spanky-Spank Hoe-down. But I'll tell you thaht the dahnce wahs anything but square. Second, I played that game because this bleeding country can't keep any ohf their machines running. This town's goht mo' broken pinbolls than Mattie H has got needle scars, but that doesn't mean that it's acceptable to play video pinboll. The graphics are stupid, the gayme is easy, and i wahnt something that has a foucking plunger ohn it, for crissakes. No mor of this launch-ye-boll-with-the-big-red-button shyte.'

 

'I would like to dedicate this game to me mate Robby Splifford, who's had quite a tiyme of it in Korear.' continued Zed. 'It's a good thing he's got his bird with 'im. Lord knows what would 'appen otherwise.'

 

When asked to sum up the tour thus far, Zed responded by saying that 'I think it's oll coming together now.

See, most of me best gaymes are played on GoodE replays, roight. I foucking konked a Dirty Harry machine in Michigan after GoodE got 'er ohl warmed up, once. Well me last games in I-town wahs with the man himself. Thaht's when he gave that Star Trek machine a bit of the Tour de WOW with a foucking enormous GC score. I did the best I could with a farfetched #1, but it was enough to start this Spanish tour on the Good foot. The WOW has been sitting in me for weeks now, waiting for a proper… outlet. I was only shots away from winning that 'ole game, but me hands were starting to cramp. Nutrition 'ere in Spain ain't quite the same as back 'ome. There's no flouride in the gin and tonics 'ere.'

 

The discovery of a P2K machine, certainly one of very few in Spain, and an almost perfect TZone machine have appeared to sway HeavyZ's opinions. He later said through a spokesman that he will continue with the final week of the Madrid tour and will also give Barcelona 'a fair chance' before flying off to Ibiza to celebrate with the Manchester United soccer club in their stunning injury-time victory in the UEFA cup finals against Bayern-Munich last nite. 'If two goals in the 91st and 92nd minute aren't WOW,' said HeavyweightZed, 'then Posh Spice might as well be the Creature From the Black Lagoon.'

 

-wownet digital news

 

-----------------------------

 

19990616

 

EK

 

::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

 

Ithaca NY May 16th 1999

 

As participants of the Ithaca WOW think tank are still reeling from the departure of their e-mail epicenter, HeavyweightZed, steps are being taken to insure life, aka "the beat", goes on. One person interviewed, who requested their name not be published, spoke of the vigilance of the WOW in the recently departed. "Well... he'd get all red and laugh ... then either get high or order more drinks..." the statement trailed off at that point.

 

Matty Herman and EKlein had an emergency summit at Mic's several days after the fallout, in an attempt to continue the soccer watching debauchery, while addressing a new black cloud over the Ithaca sky line. Herman commented "We vaugley refer to it as the CosKell Event ... its status is fundamentally unknown." Exposure to the cloud can result in "heavy eyes","fits of yawning", and most discouraging ... "just a plain desire to goto bed around 8:30 after being on the phone for 45 minuets". While crews work tirelessly to rebuild the infrastructure for the final match others wonder if the WOW has been vanquished from the IOOF Lodge. "The day Zed left I saw a luminecent line pierce the sky and then vanish with a high pitch sort of ' poof ' sound" one witness told WOWNET authorities. Klein, unable to be reached for comment, said through his spokesperson "A dark time is upon the land, however our quest for a full embrace of the WOW in Ithaca has only been postponed. Right now it has only affected liquor suppliers and a few bar tenders ... but the full effects shall soon be seen. This is a time when we must focus on the WOW within."

 

Long range forecasters have only the vaugest of ideas on what may happen to the WOW movement, some predict the rapid deployment of a National Guard Unit, while others, like Klein predict a slow shift back to equalibrium. "I saw two kids play video shuffle puck while standing next to the Star Trek NG machine, It was a classic example of misplaced WOW energies, they were actually enjoying themselves." Klein said lowering his head. "This time of ignorace will pass, but not be forgotten." Klein later missed three consecutive ramps after a unfulfilling "Catapult Madness". Other signs of a weakening WOW are an increased number of satisfied customers with South Shore Automatic.

 

A candle light vigil will be held friday, followed by a "Bring back the WOW" march from the ScienceCenter to Stewart Park.

 

-------------------------

 

19990619

 

MH

 

Subj:     **** WOW DIGITAlL NET **********

Date:     6.19.99 1:24:16 PM EST

From:    cibert@fltg.net (chris ibert)

 

::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

 

Herman Shatters Record, Breaks with WOWists

 

(Ithaca) With a stunning show of bravado Matty Herman claimed the grand champion score on Star Trek: The Next Generation early Friday afternoon (EST) at La Chanty Chanty. Herman quoted after the game said "It was only a matter of fuckin time, I been tellin myself that I was gonna exploded all this fuckin machine, she tight ya know." The most stunning and dramatic moment of the day came however when Herman after throwing up a 5.4 billion point game refused to place the intitials WOW upon the board opting for INI.

 

Herman explained "Ya see, ever since the Zed as left town, the WOWist's have become soft and well I'm not gonna bump and grind a bit and then have some WOWist come in and think it's he high score, Ya see mon I be dred first and always, INI is a dred." The Zen Wowist community is in state of shock and sadness over Herman's utter and complete renunciation of the WOWist ways. "It just goes to show what a sick sick person he is" commented nineteen year old Rory Gladstone, a sophmore Sociology major at Ithaca College, and a self-described Zen-Wowist.

 

Tension has been brewing for some time between Herman and the WOWist community and with the absence of Zed, the engimatic leader of the WOWists, has greatly acerbated the situation. In early May Herman was quoted as saying "They're more about prayin than popsies and panties and that's wrong." WOWist leader Zed could not be reached for comment, however local WOWist leader Eric Klien offered "The WOWist community understands that there is no such thing as a score and his actions today show just how lost Matty Herman is to the illusion of the Reality. We shall pray for his him. Today I stand before you and proudly proclaim that way the WOWist stand for sobriety, morality and focus. No longer will we condone or accept the type of violence and drunk behavior that has so long marred the great sport of pinball. I assure you I speak for all WOWists and with the blessing of Brother Zed."

 

---------------------

19990709

 

JG

 

Subj:     *******WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS********

Date:     7.9.99 12:12:30 PM EST

From:    jcitron@lightlink.com (Jennifer Citron)

 

 

::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

 

SPECIAL REPORT FROM ITHACA NY, THE WOW CAPITOL OF THE WORLD!!

RE:Star Trek: The Next Generation

 

They said it could not be done. They said WOW is declining. They said when heavyweight Zed is not in town then the WOW is not there either............BUT today they were silenced.

 

It was a rainy morning in I-town but from the very start of it, I knew that is was special. I have not been sleeping much these days, waking' up thinking of WOW and other things. I felt it was time to represent. With an extra step in my stride, i made the move to the "chanty chanty" , about 12:03 in the after, and there it was, taunting me, INI, a sad state of affairs i thought. Eight quarters, and five credits, later i was feeling down in the dumps., i had just been whooped. "One more" i said. Famous last words? not this time. By the end of the first ball i had completed three missions, had collected two artifacts, and had an EB. "wow", i said. By ball four, i had completed all the missions, and collected all the artifacts, and "bam" right to the place.......FINAL FRONTIER.

 

Needless to say, we have all been there, but it felt extra tingy today. when i looked up I had only two balls in play and was still one point three billion away from Herm's score. That is when it happened: center, left loop, left loop. center, ramp, ramp, ramp. (alrighty you get the picture), At the start of ball5 i had already accomplished what i set out to do. I added about 400,000,000 to the score just for WOW.

-+-

As i was being awarded my 2 credits , i was thinking that it never felt so good to enter WOW on a pin before.

 

your brother,

goody

 

---------------------------

 

19990710

 

DY

 

Subj:     ::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL::::::::

Date:     7.10.99 2:22:01 PM EST

From:    tingboy61@hotmail.com (david yantorno)

 

::::::::::::WOWNET EDITORAL::::::::::

 

In response to my first glimpse of the new P2K table I must say I am befuddled. The backglass seems to be of no importance to the pinball community of the future. What is pinball without scantily clad women flirting with the player from the glass? Nothing.

 

I recently spoke with a representative of Williams-Bally and learned of the goings-on within the machine. According to Mr. Roger Sharp, "the era of conventional pinball is passing by." Bullshit.

 

These new machines are for the feeble minded, Nintendo reared youth of American culture. Flashing lights, ramps, eb's, super skill shots, and replays are not enough for these. They need graphics, (blocking 1/3 of the playfield) they need a flashing screen to pull them in. These are not the people we want invading the pinball circuit.

 

It has been said that this is the beginning of a new evolution of playfield. I say we must create a new pinball company that does not exile the fanatic that has made pinball a pop culture icon. These pinball bureaucrats have no concept of the power that pinball holds. They are merely a bunch of tired old babyboomers trying to make some cash off what they see as a "game."

 

The history of pinball is where the future lies. One can not go forward without paying resect to the past. Reissues of old machines is the what I need to see. How about Dimension, give it to us, now. I want to have the option to play a reissued machine that was considered one of the best of it's time. I want to play the 1959 Gibson LesPaul of pinball machines.

 

The rant has to end here....signing off,

 

Tingboy

 

--------------

 

19990710

 

RL

 

Subj:     follow up story: the wrath of the Tingboy

Date:     7.10.99 11:58:07 PM EST

 

:::::WOWNET NEWS FLASH:::::::

 

David "Tingboy" Yantorno, long believed illiterate by the Zen Wowist community, has stunned the world with a breathtaking treatise on the p2k phenomenon and the future of pinball as he sees it.

 

In a shockingly eloquent rant, Yantorno lashed out at the lack of cleavage (and backglass in entirety) on p2k machines, Nintendo-bred youth culture, and the profit-making motivations of famed pinmakers Williams/Bally.

 

Mr. Tingboy continued with bold demands for the reissue of classic pinball tables and the creation of a company that "does not exile the fanatic that has made pinball a pop culture icon" (an especially nice touch, if we may editorialize just a bit more than we have already).

 

Rumors that Williams/Bally executives have placed a contract on Mr. Yantorno's life surfaced quickly, driving the Tingboy into hiding in the Wow community's network of safe houses and seedy bars known as "the Underground Rollover Lane."

 

More on this story as it develops.

 

-R. Splifford, WOWnet Digital News NE Asian correspondent

 

-----------------------

 

19990712

 

PI

 

Subj:     ......::::::::WOWNET 1010111011010 TRANSMISSION:::::::..........

Date:     7.12.99 8:12:02 AM EST

From:    pimbres@Shandwick.com (Imbres, Peter)

 

::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

 

NEW YORK, N.Y., (Wowist Press) - Late Sunday night, top-level executives at Williams/Bally held a press conference to discuss Mr. David Yantorno's comments made on Saturday afternoon. Mr. Yantorno, known as Vide (pronounced "vee-dee") amongst a cult that calls themselves Zen Wowists, trashed PB2K in an e-mail to the elite of his religion. This somehow leaked to the hidden Williams/Bally headquarters which is believed to be buried under two mile of lava on a small pacific island.

 

"Mr. Yantorno is nothing but a veggie burrito eating, left wing, gin and tonic sipping, ciggarette puffing, bitch boy commie! His retro attitude towards pinball and everything else is exactly what has gone wrong with this country in this post-Wang Chung era. If we're going to bring back the old machines, we all might as well just quit our jobs and drive around the country high on the pot in beat-up old econoline vans," said Johnny Williams.

 

Mr. Williams' biting comments were somewhat misunderstood by the Zen Wowists when HeavyweightZed, known as Heavyweight Zed to the cult, said, "Sounds like a good plan. Where do we get the vans?"

 

Yantorno's comments caused controversy even within the higher ranks of the Zen Wowist elite. There is fear that the group will split into two sects which the Associated Press has already begun referring to as the Technos and the Retros.

 

Technos, such as Lucious Santa and Jah Hoag, are threatening to boycott the electromechanicals for the newer digital machines as an act of support for PB2K.

 

"I don't want to give up the machines that I have held so close to my heart all these years but if that's what I have to do in order to insure that my children won't be ridiculed for eating chicken wings and playing PB2K on whatever weird-o drug will be developed by the government for the youth culture to abuse in the future then that's what I'll have to do. It's the principle of the thing, dammit!" said Lucious Santa from a Sushi bar on the Lower East Side of Manhattan.

 

Yantorno could not be reached for comment. More on this story as it develops.

 

---------------------

19990713

 

RL

 

::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

 

PINHEAD CAMPS DIVIDED--MAYBE

 

99.7.13 1:20pm Tasmanian Standard Time

 

Luscious Santa's self-declaration as a "Techno" (a supporter of the Pinball2000 platform) has drawn both cheers and jeers from the Wowist community--probably.

 

We haven't spoken to anyone in person. Let's get that right out of the way. All details of this report are purely speculative.

 

David Yantorno, Tingboy, AKA Vide, said in response to Mr. Santa's statement--most likely--"Santa's stand for p2k merely shows that he too has been enslaved by The Man at 'Villians'/Bally. They've got him pulling levers for his crack like any old lab rat." From his recent strong words, Mr. Tingboy--we expect; we can't be sure--will be one of the leading figures in the "Retro" camp.

 

It also seems possible that West Coast Wowist "Jah" Burke has waffled on his "Techno" stance, since such a position was actually declared FOR him by Mr. Santa. "This is just like the time those gay guys decided to 'out' me at my Mother's birthday party," Burke (probably) said. He (may have) continued, "Those guys hardly knew me. My mother still won't believe I'm straight. Anyway, I'm certainly not gonna be boycotting any EM's, like the one in my own freakin' apartment, just to support the newest thing. Sure, I bought a Fatboy Slim CD but I didn't throw away my old vinyl Carpenters albums either."

 

At the time of this writing, Zed "HeavyweightZed" Zed was--we suppose--still waiting patiently for news on where to acquire his used Econoline Van.

 

Further details may follow. Of course, they may not.

-------------------

 

19990816

 

HZ

 

Subj:     ASK HEAVYWEIGHTZED

Date:     8.16.99 3:01:33 PM EST

From:    HZ@cbord.com (HeavyweightZed)

::::::::::::ASK HEAVYWEIGHTZED::::::::::::::

 

Dear HeavyweightZed,

I just received a transmission from the future. My grandson read in a history book about the great TT and wants to know what the Stagger Lee move entails.

Thank you,

Staggerless in Soho.

 

 

Gentle Reader:

You can tell that young whippersnapper that... The STAGGER LEE was christened by the late, legendary TT Boy, shortly after his mythic rise to stardom following the 1980 Olympic Games in Lake Placid. First demonstrated to the public during an otherwise unremarkable regular season match between Leeds United and Team Pleasant on March 13, 1980, the STAGGER LEE quickly became a staple maneuver in pro-league pinball. Today, nearly all players keep at least one variation of the STAGGER LEE in their flipper arsenals (with the notable exceptions of GoodE, who often prefers his (eversmooth) lean technique, and, recently, Mattie Herman's "Hermie 5-0.").

 

So named because it involves hiting the second flipper directly after the first in a delayed or 'staggered' rhythm, the STAGGER LEE (with varying amounts of spank) can be used to prevent all but the most determined balls from draining to the center. In it's most effective form, the STAGGER LEE is often referred to as a 'Bitch Slap,' because of the inherent violence of big saves.

 

 

THE TECHNIQUE

1 Remember that most balls draining to the center are a little bit to one side or the other. Determine the appropriate or 'near' side.

 

2 While hitting the near flipper button, also hit the entire machine in the direction of the ball. This will move the playfield underneath the ball and allow you to get a piece of the silver sphere.

 

3 Immediately after the ball hits the first flipper, hit the second flipper with half as much force.

 

 

NOTES

-When properly executed, the tip of the near flipper will shove the ball out of the 'drain lane' and towards the opposite flipper. The opposite flipper will bring the ball back into the playfield. Later, after the match, you will be rewarded with beautiful women and sundry quantities of cocaine.

 

-Timing of the stagger varies per ball speed, etc.

 

-To avoid a tilt, the second flipper should be hit with exactly half as much force as the first flipper.

 

-The STAGGER LEE is not recommended for people with pacemakers or other sally ailments.

 

-Remember to fucking hit the machine hard.

 

Vive le WOW!

-hZ

--------------

 

20000518

 

HZ

 

 

Subj:     Re: none

Date:     5/18/2000 4:42:56 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    Zed

 

Personal Correspondence...

 

Matty-

Your bloated sense of pride over a meager 140,000 amuses me. If you weren't illiterate, I would direct you towards a book on modern history, or analmanac, or the guinness book of world records.

 

I'm the fucking Zed. My high score on that machine is 425,000 or so. See,once you've had as many 6 digit games as i've had, it all becomes a little hHZy.

 

Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with being rude. In fact, I think that your rudeness is particularly impressive, considering the Irritable Bowel Syndrome that has plagued your social life for so long, and the Lymes disease that you contracted once you moved out to... Romulus. That desolate road with a bar and an ice cream shop on it is Romulus, right? I mean, despite all that twitching, you've been playing pretty well.

 

The truth is that my spank is god-damned heavy. I will get so rude on your narrow potato-shucking ass that you'll have to drop out of pinball and-join the North Eastern Professional Skee-ball League.

 

Peace,

hZ

20000518

 

DJ

 

Subj:     Re: :::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::::

Date:     5/18/2000 4:46:06 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    cfish99@hotmail.com (Doug Littmann)

 

Fear not, young soldiers: this is just the calm before the storm. A shimmering white horse waits on the edge of the pinball world. Soon he will gallup full-stride across the rot and decay. A river of shiny silver quarters will wash the streets of our sins and deliver us unto the promised land.

 

So it is written.

 

Until then, no rest for the unbelievers. I have a hot date with suped-up Swinger tonight.

 

yrs,

Doug.

20000518

 

MH

 

Subj:     recent article

Date:     5/18/2000 12:30:35 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    zenwow_1999@yahoo.com (lester brown)

 

HERMAN TURNS UP THE HEAT

In Ithaca League play Matty Herman registered his second hundred thousand plus game in the course of a week. Last night Herman posted a blistering to top all players in Leg 7 of the Spring Series.

 

Herman’s continuing dominance in the Spring Series is considered by many pundits to be another sign of the waning influence of the Zen-Wowist movement in Premier League Pinball. According to Todd Duncan of the International Pinball Times " The Wowist have run their course, the few remaining players they have competing in the Ithaca Series are weak and ineffectual players."

 

Most believe the real test will be the Ithaca Memorial Master Tourney, played over Memorial Day

Weekend. According to Albert Lang of Cornell University’s Center for Advanced Pinball Study " Any hope the movement has of maintaining an air of relevance will be dashed if a Wowist fails to win at the Master. Ithaca has traditional been a Wowist stronghold and a loss there would be crushing. " It is rumored that HeavyWeight Zed will be flying into Ithaca to compete. Wowist faithful hope Heavy Weight Zed will breathe life back into the corpse of WOWism by defeating the streaking Herman. After yesterday’s match Herman commented briefly on the upcoming Masters and the decline of Wowist " It gonna be a bloody blood path, with Wowist dying in the streets. I’ve a- dapted my 5-0 style somethin’ all them damn wanna be monks said could never be done. But don’t blame me for what happen to the Wowist, they done it to themselves—sold out ever last one of them, wearing in those fancy black leather coats and workin’ in e-business. Well the only type of e-business I’m involved in takes place in Ibiza at four o’clock in the morning with a couple of BrHZilian dancers. For Christ sakes I heard that Imbres is a publicist, well maybe he can come work for me after I win the Masters."

# # #

20000518

 

MH

 

Subj:     none

Date:     5/18/2000 1:05:32 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    zenwow_1999@yahoo.com (lester brown)

 

Personal Correspondence....

 

hz-

sent you an article that recently appeared in the Ithaca Times. I was misquoted-- I said I heard Imbres was my bitch but the refused to print it. Well things look pretty bad for you and cadre of butt sniffing pinball chumps. You can always renounce your Wowist ways and declare your desire to re enter the fold of the P-street dreds and the ways of the Rude boy.( although tenet one clear states 1) though shall not adore oneself in the garments of the euro fag specifically the black leather jacket and teneyt fours states 4) Being a Rude boy amongst men though shall not feed upon the food of hopelessly trendy and stylish, the uncooked fruit of the chic and sexually ambiguous, that which adorns the table of the yuppie and new age type alike, namely the dish known be the name of sushi. If you could agree to those two simple tenets we'd be glad to have you back amongst the rude and surly! There is a slight initiation fee based on the following however (from the Rude Boy bylaws) " He who shall design to enter amongst of us shall make his willingness know be giving of mammon so the whole shall never want and the unity among us shall never been dangered by greed nor envy. So we say to you, let he who earns annually before state and federal taxes amount less than or equally to 30,000 American dollars give forth one dollar and sixty pence so that he may join our fellowship and let he earns annually before state and federal taxes an amount greater than 30,000American dollars give forth a hundred dollars for each five thousand he earns over 30,000 American dollars. Let us not count the earnings of such a man’s wife in our calculations for life betrothed to woman is burden enough and it would be not wise to penalize such man who has entered into such a state but if a man chooses to walk among us who has a 'life partner' let us not discriminate against him but let us collect an initiation fee that includes the annual income of said ‘life partner’ include into the calculation so that we may be sure of the purity of his heart." So any way we would loved to have you back into the rude boy fold.

 

 

matty

20000519

 

MH

 

Subj:     Re: none

Date:     5/19/2000 10:50:40 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    zenwow_1999@yahoo.com (lester brown)

 

Personal Correspondence...

 

 

z-

 

to clarify the all time high score is mid 300,000 I believe.( that was done right after the machine was rehauled by qualified professionals) I bear you no animosty, but the whole wowist thing has run it's course.It's a pathetic group of sorry double flipper hitting punks who have sold their souls to the god of Mammon. At least the father of modern pinball Jay Damberg had the decency to sell out to drugs and woman of ill repute. Your cadre of panty wearing hooligans have turned their back on the game of pins for nothing more unsatifying lifestyle of a vaguely trendy Moby listening, suhsi eating 20 something. I would be shocked to hear that your all going to Dental School together. The rudeboys have hope for you alone Z. We are waiting for you on the dark side- albiet sans the leather jacket.

 

20000522

 

HZ

 

:::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

5.22.2000

Will HeavyZ go Rude?

 

ITHACA, NY, USA. To rude or not to rude? That seems to be the question on everyone’s mind as the momentum builds for the first Memorial Masters Tourney of the new millenium. In a turn of events that few experts forsaw, head Rudie Mattie Herman of the P Street Dreads has had his way in the Spring Series and is one of the top contenders for next weekend’s Memorial Day tourney.

 

“The Memorial Masters will be a pretty win,” said Herman after a guest appearance on the WWF Presidential Smackdown in Atlanta last nite, “but me true goal is the Treble. Putting HeavyweightZed to sleep in the Memorial Tourney will be just a small step towards that juicy Trebly-Webly. Late at nite as I got to sleep with me girls, I am often reminded that 3 is me favorite number.” If Herman does take this weekend’s trophy, he will only need win the European cup to complete the first Treble in nearly a decade.

 

Herman’s dominance is not the most interesting aspect of how this season has shaped up, however. More, it is the absence of other powerhouse players, mostly Zen Wowists, in the top linup. No one seems to be more aware of this than Herman himself, who has had paticular ire for the Wowists in recent weeks, calling them everything from “leather jacket wearing, sushi eating, Eurofags,” to “soft-handed, daqaiuri drinking, publiscists who’ve got less bullocks than the front row of an N’Synch concert.”

 

This type of criticism has been particularly biting for ex-Dred HeavyZ. “At least Damberg had the decency to leave pinball for hard drugs and women of ill-repute,” says Herman, “but Z has got little going now. And for that reason I sent HeavyZ a personal letter, asking him to return to the Dreads, to return to a time when ZED were letters that struck fear into the opposition.”

 

Zed responded with a press conference at the Doubletree Convention Center in Detroit City, Michigan this weekend. “Hermie don’t realize just how rude I still am, how rude I’ve always been. My spank is the heaviest!” said Zed as he thumped his fist on the card table. An odd jangling sound accomponied the thump, and when later asked if the handcuffs hanging from his right wrist was a new fashion statement, Zed only commented that he “couldn’t get the damned things off from last nite” and that the key could be in any of the several Skoals Girls cheerleaders that stayed in the same hotel as Zed. Skoals was the major sponsor for this weekend’s Motor City Showdown featuring HeavyweightZed.

 

“Hermie is rude,” said Zed, “he’s got the highest vomit-to-WOW ratio of anyone in the history of the game, but I haven’t been particularly impressed with his style of late. So the kid had a few plus-100,000 point games? If I had a pair of panties for every 100,000 point game I’ve ever…. Well, wait, I do… But Herm’s high scoring games are probably the result of him taking less Xanax this season. I excpect him back in the gutter shortly. And he’s lucky, too, that GoodE took a sabatical this season to study the Culinary Arts. At least he’s doing something useful instead of making guest appearances on a bloody wrestling show. If Hermie thinks that his freakshow 5-0 can outplay the heaviest hand in the business, we’re going to have to put him on yet another 12 step program. I’m going to get so rude on his ass that he’ll have to drop out of pinball and re-join the Northeastern Professional Skee-ball League.”

 

                        #                                              #                                              #

 

---------------------------------------

 

20000523

 

mh

 

EKlien Distances Self From Wowists

ITHACA, NY, USA. According to reliable sources EKlien had moved to distance himself from the eleagured Wowist movement. Klien, a longtime WOWist and trusted friend of HeavyweightZed, is purported to have attended a clandestine meeting with Matty Herman on Saturday, May 20. It is reported that Klein repeatedly sought to distance himself from the Wowists during the meeting, claiming that he felt he came in on the tail of the Wowist movement and that he never really considered himself part of it. This shocking defection comes just seven days before the Memorial Masters Tourney, which is shaping up to be a defining moment in the movement's history, one which could be a sad final chapter or signal a rebirth.

 

No Wowist officals were willing to comment as of press time. However one offical who asked not be identified was willing to comment off the record that " This probably has more to do with politics than pinball. For years Klein has complained about unwanted sexual advances from Dave Y but he's always been told to keep quiet. He's probably just had it. I'm sure Dave's crude and drunken attempts at buggery are what forced EKlein out." Neither Klein, Herman, nor Dave Y. were available for comment at press time.

 

# # #

 

20000524

 

HZ

 

SANTA SPEAKS

05.24.2000

 

NEW YORK CITY. Luscious Santa took a short break from his mid-day meditations today to speak in support of the Zen Wowist movement. Speaking via phone from his Manhattan penthouse, Santa stated that "Zen Wowism is healthy, young, and nubile."

 

"With regards to this season," said Santa, "I am surprised by brother Herman's beliefs in his own mild success, especially considering the absence of GoodE and EKlein's early suspensions from the tour. I used to score 100,000 point games while in an LSD coma on the holy machine. Although

100,000 is a healthy benchmark, it is certainly not the pinnacle of pinball." Along with high-scoring pinball matches, Santa named over 35 other achievements he has made while "in an LSD coma," including solving a Rubik's Cube, reading War and Peace, and making "the best omelet ever."

 

In response to Herman's recent "sushi and leather" statements, Santa had this to say: "As an Orthodox Wowist, I must comment that it is considerably more Wowist (and I daresay rude) to wear the skin of a dead animal on one's back and to feast on raw flesh than it is to engage in fornication with dogs." For nearly a year now, rumors have circulated that Herman has become so rude as to be bored by the popsie and panty scene and has now moved on to more bizarre pleasures such as bestiality.

 

In related news, pop superstar Beck released a new single this week entitled "Sushi and Leather." The song premiered in Billboard's Top 20 and is neck-and-neck with The Clash's comeback single (and what has been dubbed as Herman's theme song), a re-release of "Rudy Can't Fail."

 

"Herman's obtuse remarks are particularly disappointing when one considers that he currently holds the holy machine in his private collection," said Santa. "This troubles me deeply: that such a blasphemer could hold onto to an object of such spiritual value. To speak in such coarse terms while in possession of Dimensia makes Herman seem like nothing more than a retard-smacking reactionary. That is my official statement on the matter although the tabloids have been printing other things about me and my sexual hobbies. I must go now as the feast is about to begin. Many a blessing."

 

HeavyweightZed, who has a common history with Herman and the Dreds, sold Dimensia to Herman before their ideologies distanced them from each other. The contract, on display at the FIPA Museum of Pinball in London, shows that possession of the holy machine was given in exchange for "12 pints, 3 strong lasses, and other sundries as needed for the duration of 36 hours." The contract was signed on February 22, towards the very end of the legendary "Month of Pleasure" hosted by the Dreds and Hugh Heffner in Ibiza in 1982.

 

Although in top form this season, Luscious Santa will not be participating in this year's Memorial Masters Tourney. Santa has preferred, in recent years, to play smaller tournaments so that he can "preach the WOW on a more personal, touchy-feely level and to better experience the vast diversity of chicken wings of our blessed planet."

 

# # #

20000524

 

dy

 

NEW YORK CITY, NY WEDNESDAY 5:18PM

 

The recent reports circulating through the pinball community have had the effect of shaking the trees of lHZy and apathetic Zen Wowists everywhere. Matty H. while trying to perform a hostile takeover with the P. Street Dreads has, as a result, found himself in a do or be killed position. Between cigarettes and uncontrollable vomiting he was quoted as saying, "Zen Wowest’s everywhere are rallying just to spank me! They best not think I'm scared of there God fearing asses. Sorry ass bunch of...(inaudible do to vomiting)...fuckers!" One can only assume from these cryptic remarks that Herman is on edge.

 

In other reports on the NYC front many Wowest’s have been awe struck by Herm's recent actions. HeavyweightZed was hardest hit by the recent turn of events, "I can't believe the sorry sack aye shite is frontin’ with that bullocks!" says Zed, "First off, he's got the mother of Zen Wowism (Dimension) in his house only because I havnae a place to stash ‘er! That slag! The only reason he shied away from becoming a Wowist in the first place is because his wife won't let ‘em." Needless to say, the self proclaimed sultan of spank has shed his leather coat and is ready to get down and dirty with Herm at the Memorial Day Masters Tourney. "I'll kill the wanker! I'd rather see Dimensia rust away in a Long Island basement than let Herm spank her."

 

In another report in response to accusations from Herm tingboy was quoted in the Greenpoint Spanker as saying, "I hear that Herm has accused ayes a bein a poof?! Well as far as I can tell Herms' the bleedin' closet case. Playin' on the sacred machine, a loner from Zed the high priest. I hear is wife won't let 'em be a Wowist, that's what I hear. Zed told me that he gets pumped up before playin' a tourney by listenin' to Rough Boys by Pete Townsend! Rude my arse! Who's the Fuckin poof now? And Klein was askin’ for it, walkin’ around in that wife beater all the time!" Tingboy adds trailing off in a mumble.

 

All in all the Memorial Day Masters Tourney is shaping up to be an entertaining affair.

 

20000524

 

EK

 

:::::::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::

KLEIN RESPONDS

 

ITHACA NY, USA -- EKlein replied to allegations today that he has broken ties with the Wowist movement. Klein, a self admitted second generation rude-boy, stopped bench pressing his 6ft German mistress Chloe long enough for a female attendant to apply oil to his chest while he read a prepared statement to reporters in front of his I-town compound.

 

"In recent times Wowism has come under scrutiny both from outside and within the community. The industry itself, the new league official's union and the [leadership] of the Globaluniform Corp USA have contorted and transformed the pro-circut into a convenient Pay-Per-View event. The mass exodus of Wowist from I-town has weakend the solidarity and conviction of its members when they need it most. Politics aside however, the WOW is within." Klein said gesturing to his brown vascular gleaming chest with a closed fist. "Do I have the tattoo, ritualistic branding and circumcision to prove I'm a Wowist? Just ask Chloe."

 

Klein then launched into a lengthy diatribe condemning coin-op distributors for non-action, plugging Chloe's new blue-grass album and defending his "staunch heterosexuality" claiming he "never thought of [Dave Y] that way and "we're just so different". This was followed by a candle lighting ceremony around Mata Hari, Klein's 1977 "secret lover".

 

The Golden Haired Klein, amongst the top five money leaders this year concluded by saying that his statements to Matty Herman were meant to pay Homage to the fathers of Wowism rather than to detract from or distance himself from the movement. Speaking on conditions of anonymity a source close to Klein reported after the speech that "[Klein] has had an uphill battle all year, the arrests, the night life and the suspentions tarnished his early season" Referring to the Athens Greece debacle and deportation during Odyssey Cup in January and the referee slapping of February 3rd at MSG for the US nationals. The source continued "He's ready for the [Memorial Masters Tourney] and for [Matty Herman], and I believe he has a verbal agreement with [Dave Y] not to touch his ass."

20000524

 

JG

 

Ithaca NY 5/24/2000 a.d.

 

 

GoodE is in the house

 

The Tourney will be on Saturday

 

Enough Said.

 

20000524

 

LF

 

just a quick question........

 

who is zenwow_1999@yahoo.com?

 

(cough, cough, snicker, snicker)

 

i think we all know the answer.

20000524

 

PI

1

101010101010 WOWIST DIGITAL TRANSMISSION 01011010101010011001

 

Transcript from Larry King Live

Broadcast 5/24/00 on CNN

Courtesy of Turner Broadcasting

 

---

 

LARRY KING: Welcome to Larry King Live. The previously scheduled interview with the sock puppet from the Pets.com had to postponed due to some breaking news. <cough> There appears to problems among the ranks of Zen Wowism's high priests. After being a peaceful group known for their loose moral direction for the better part of ten years, founding members have found themselves knee deep in a controversy that has overtaken the entire member body as well as a good portion of the southern Finger Lakes region. <cough> Tonight joining me are two high priests that have found themselves at the center of this controversy, Heavyweight Zed and Luscious Santa. Good evening gentlemen.

 

HEAVYWIEGHT ZED: Yes...it's a very fine evening indeed.

 

LUSCIOUS SANTA: <grunt>

 

KING: Let's jump right into things. Heavyweight Zed, do you feel betrayed that this man, known to many only as Herm, has taken your teachings and used them for evil or he is correct in saying that the Zen Wowists have lost a degree of integrity?

 

ZED: Herm is alright...after this weekend I think everything will be order.

 

KING: Are you referring to the Masters Tournament in Trumansburg, NY?

 

ZED: Yah, that's the one. I plan on giving him a firm rogering!

 

KING: What about the rumors that years of hard psychedelic drugs and sickeningly inebriated women have finally taken their toll on the Wowist leaders?

 

ZED: Dat's fuckin' hooey! Psychedelic drugs and the company of substantially inebriated women are the pillars of this religion!! Hell...some of those woman ARE wowists! Sure, they ignore the tradition I established of strippin' down to the buff before entering the initials, but tharr alright.

 

KING: Luscious, do you share these feelings?

 

SANTA: No...as a matter of fact, I'm 100% against Zed getting naked in the presence of delicate electro mechanical equipment.

 

KING: Actually, I was speaking of the criticism of old Wowists.

 

SANTA: Who's criticizing us? You! You dirty old coot!

 

KING: Ok, let's move on. With many of the Wowist leaders in obviously rough shape, who is going to be left to carry the torch of the forefathers? Many people thought Yantorno would emerge before these rumors of homosexual activity surfaced...has his questionable relationship with EKlien hurt his chances of getting the southern vote?

 

SANTA: Sure as TT is sitting on a couch somewhere high as an albatross, Vidi is heterosexual. As a matter of fact, he's involved with a very efficiently sized young Wowist women from the Amish land in PA.

 

ZED: Yar...she's little but she's no man. EKlien may be a handsome man but Vidi likes his pinball rough and his womens complete with female genitalia.

 

KING: Ok, ok. You mentioned TT. A lot has been written about this man. Even his birth certificate is mysterious, next to "Birth weight" the word "excellent" is written in sloppy capital letters.

 

SANTA: I have made a pilgrimage to the wise man we know as TT. He is well. In fact, he's developed quite a healthy glow from a steady diet of Slim Jims and malt liquor.

 

ZED: Oh yeah...TT will always be alright. One night while TT was sleeping on my couch he stubbed his toe on a spring and started bleeding. By morning, all the blood had drained out of him and he was laying there on the couch looking like a plastic Wegmans bag full of popsicle sticks. We laughed for a while but when we asked him if we should call an ambulance he just told us to let him sleep for 15 more minutes. <laughs then coughs> He'll be ok.

 

KING: What about the others like GoodE, Chilluz, Mighty Quinn and Jah Hoag?

 

SANTA: All of them are still alive and leading non-alternative lifestyles!

 

ZED: GoodE is living a peaceful life in a place where they give him access to many pounds of cream cheese. Chilluz is living near the atlantic coast where he says he is collecting pieces of driftwood in order to rebuild the Mayflower and sail back to Spain to spread the good word. I hear Mighty Quinn is a leader in the highly specialized field of animated child pornography. The last I heard of Jah Hoag, he was in the Pacific Northwest and hovering over many brightly colored knobs and buttons with a maniacal look on his face during a production of Hello Dolly.

 

KING: To wrap up I have one question that I'd like each of you answer. Will Zen Wowism continue corrupting our children or have Herm and his wholesome leanings rocked the boat at a time when the forefathers were too burnt out to do anything?

 

SANTA: First of all, I don't own a boat because years of Key West's Caribbean buffet have left my digestive system in a very delicate state. Any deviation from my diet of chicken wings and chili pot pie will give me months of painful gas. It's not pretty. Trust me. <hiccup> What was the question again?

 

KING: Zed?

 

ZED: Zen Wowism is like a fine wine. At first it looks weathered and sedate but if you try bottle or two you shouldn't be surprised to find yourself in the basement of a secluded house tickling a strangers nipple with a three foot peacock feather while listening to dance remixes of early Wang Chung songs. What I'm trying to say is that Wowism has already survived Bubba, the funk/jHZz movement, the opening of the first Taco Bell in Ithaca, the rerouting of Rt. 13, and the closing of Key West. If the dark underbelly of religion and lust for the forbidden was not a driving force in our world, Brittany Spears would sell a lot less records and TT would've been devoured by mosquitos by now. Wowism is immortal.

 

KING: Well, there you have it. Thank you very much Heavyweight Zed and Luscious Santa, it was a genuinely insightful discussion. Stay tuned for a brief chat with Mike Glowa on the impact of the tumultuous new economy on the patriarchal structures of Asian families.

 

---end of transmission

20000526

 

HZ

 

::::::::::::WOWNET BULLETIN::::::::::

 

WOWNET BULLETIN

05.26.2000 134PM EST

ITHACA NY USA. Digtial Wownet News has learned that legendary rudeboy Chillusz boarded his private jet for Ithaca NY today at 1258AM. Upon arrival at the Herman Compound, Chillusz is expected to make a last minute entry into the Memorial Day Masters Tourney.

With the arrival of Chillusz, 3 of the 4 original P Street Dreads will be participating in the Masters, making this the most anticipated tournament in years.

Stay tuned to WOWNET for full coverage of the Chillusz press conference and all of the exciting developments in International Pinball.

:::::::END TRANSMISSION:::::::::

 

-----------------

 

20000528

 

HZ

 

::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::

 

WOWISTS TAKE TITLE

05.28.2000

 

ITHACA NY USA. Although the scores of the championship match where among the lowest of the entire tournament, Zen WOWists across the globe rejoiced last Sunday as HeavyweightZed took the title for the first Memorial Masters Tourney of the new millennium, defeating Mattie Herman 11,400 to 5,650. Surprisingly, the Memorial Masters lived up to the hype as Zed’ easy-skanking on the gutters and hunger for the high WOW proved to be too much for the Hermie 5-0 and the last minute appearance of international badass Chillusz. From the preliminary round, at least, it seemed likely that these two players would meet in the finals: Zed shocked the crowd by waiving his final prelim match after a score of 35,730, but Hermie beat Zed with a score that was to become the tourney high and then also waived his final match. Herman later took it one step further by tilting out against the Flaming Scotsman in Round 2.

 

Pre-game rumors were later verified that WOWist emissaries GoodE and HeavyweightZed had paid an 11th hour visit to the Rude Ranch, Herman’s compound and current home of Dimensia. “Them WOWist stopped by to set things straight with me and Chillusz,” said Herman while being prepped for his post-match saline solution and blood transplant infusions. “After Chillusz wrestled the shotgun from me, we got to talking. We reminisced on the old times and let HeavyZ have a few minutes alone with the old girl. Later, The Dreads played a few rounds... we put up the highest triples score ever: 224,300. We really felt the love, in a non-leather jacket wearing fag kind of way, and I thought Z would go rude at any minute... We had a good laugh over the time that Chillusz jumped down from the stage and broke Marv Albert’s thumb. Said he did it so that Marv couldn’t put it up his arse no more! An Chillusz called him a panty wearing poof and of course it turned out to be true!” Added Chillusz “Yeah, panties.”

 

After the secret visit had ended and the tourney begun, second seeded HeavyweightZed defeated number-one seed Mattie Herman in a drunken, staggering final that demonstrated the dark underbelly of rude pinball. By the end of the tourney Zed had become so enfeebled by excessive pints of Hermie’s Rude BrewČ and GoodE brand Mari-Jew-WannaČ that he was unable to raise the Memorial Cup above his head at the awards ceremony. Zed brought the trophy just inches above his head before collapsing under the weight of the 12 pound award and then immediately called for morphine.

 

At times, Herman’s pinball was as wobbly as Zed’ post game balance: Herman’s preliminary round score of 46,960 was the tournament high, but his championship match score of 5,650 was the second lowest of the weekend. “The Hermie 5-0 technique proved very solid in the lower and top thirds of the table, and his target selection was the best of the tourney,” said Todd Duncan of International Pinball Weekly, “but Herman often dropped the ball when the lights went red.” Herman’s average score of 20,980 was perhaps hampered by a WOW conversion rate of 55% and no High WOWs.

 

“That what happen when you ain’t WOW,” said Zed from the post-game hot tub. Zed, who has thrilled the South and Central American leagues this season with his new “Yo la Tengo” technique on the top third, claims that he took the bumping tip from Hermie’s 5-0, as well as the classic Hermaloupe. “Mattie lets da riddim do his biddin, and dat’s alright” said Zed, “but you’ve got to be the WOW when dat WOW is red, baby.”

 

Although it was expected that Herman would not be able to walk his rudeboy talk, the tourney was filled with drama: Fourth-seed Yantorno eliminated fellow WOWist GoodE (fifth-seed) in the most anticipated match of the tourney. After putting up an uninspired 14,580 in Round 2, GoodE admitted that his game may have suffered from a packed schedule and the associated jet lag. “I got into Ithaca a few hours before the tourney,” he said, “and as such only had about sixty minutes before the tourney to get high. That is obviously not enough time.” GoodE did give credit where due, however, saying that “Yantorno played a brilliant game in the lower third, and I didn’t expect that kind of competition so early in the tournament.”

 

A well-rested Yantorno saw his chance to carpe WOW, and came out fighting in the Round 2 slugfest. He hammered out the third highest score of the tournament, a menacing 40,870. “I knew it was going to have to be a big score to take out GoodE,” said Yantorno. “I gave it me all. I particularly like the looseness of Dimensia and so stuck to me gameplan of ‘slide and glide.’ I can’t compete with GoodE’s strength, but figured that I would come out ahead if I could put more motion in me ocean.” Yantorno’s advanced playfield manipulation earned him an average score of 21240, the third-highest of the tourney.

 

The second big Round 2 matchup featured world famous rudeboy Chillusz falling to second-generation WOWist and fence-walking rudeboy Eklien. Chillusz, known to play one of the fastest balls in pinball (but one of the slowest balls in bed), looked formidable in the seeding round and ended the tourney with second-highest average: 23370. For reasons unknown, Chillusz’s ability to cut down targets like shrapnel turned cold in Round 2. Later, EKlein ventured that Chillusz had become exhausted from “working the hype machine and all that autograph signing.” Added Klein from the confines of an enormous terrycloth bathing robe: “Everyone told him to avoid the Saturday Night Live gig. But he went and did it anyway. Could you hand me my smoking pipe, Chloe?”

 

EKlein earned his keep, however, by throwing out a fiery game of 33,680. Said Klein “I know that Chillusz can play that machine faster than anyone in the world, but slow and steady always wins the race.” EKlein inhaled on his pipe and then added reflectively “Yup.”

 

FIPA newcomer Matt ‘The Flaming Scotsman’ MacDougal made a notable impact by overtaking HeavyZ and Herman to take the Golden Tilt award. Said MacDougal “To actually make it this tourney was a fantastic thrill for me. The Rude Brew was devastating, the interviews with Sarah Jessica Parker were brilliant, the hot tub parties were everything that is to be expected in top level pro pinball. Yah. And I outspanked some of the toughest. I hope to improve me WOW conversion and be back again next year.” MacDougal nearly defeated Herman in Round 2, losing by the slim margin of 14,650 to 13,380.

 

Lodge resident the Honorable Mike Costello looked very strong in the Round 1 of the tournament, lighting more WOWs than everyone save the two finalists. “Costello was in the middle of a gripping Game 2 when he tilted,” said Alex Duncan of the Silver Ball Network. “It was devastating. He was well on his way to a 20K plus game and a good bit of momentum, but was not able to recover from that tilt until the doubles competition.”

 

Cos, along with Zed, took the doubles later in the evening as The Lodge. “I’ve been with Dimensia long enough to know that she’s a cold hearted-whore,” said Costello from a private, highstakes roulette table in Atlantic City. “I let Zedy take out the bigger targets, but that wasted sod needed solid target removal in the early stages of each game. I kept telling Zed to save the hot tubs and whores until after the tourney, but he would have none of it. At one point, I caught him trying to step from the lockeroom naked and with a needle in his arm. And Herman thinks Zed isn’t rude?”

 


STATS

 

avg score

highest score

wow lit

wow hit

wow %

high wow

tilt

flipper error

herm

20980

46960

9

5

55%

0

1

38

zed

24720

42800

7

12

171%

5

0

1

chillusz

23370

33890

5

0

0%

0

1

0

goode

17280

22320

1

0

0%

0

1

0

yantorno

21240

40870

4

0

0%

0

1

1

cos

14070

18300

6

2

33%

0

1

1

klein

17642

33680

2

2

100%

0

1

2

macdougal

8180

13380

0

0

0%

0

4

0

 

 

Round 1

 

GAME 1

GAME 2

GAME 3

Chillusz

26,160

19,910

33,890

Costello

13,390

18,300

12,370

EKlein

9010

12,590

21,550

Flaming Scotsman

5640

7130

6570

GoodE

22,320

19,280

12,940

HeavyweightZed

8950

35,730

--WAIVED--

Herman

21,660

46,960

--WAIVED--

Yantorno

26,870

18,080

10,920

 

 

Round 2

Herman (1)                     14650

Flaming Scotsman (8)      13,380

 

HeavyweightZed (2)         42,800  

Costello (7)                    12,220

 

Chillusz (3)                     14,510

EKlein (6)                       33,680

 

Yantorno (4)                   40,870

GoodE (5)                      14,880

 

 

Round 3

Herman              15,980

EKlein                           11,380

 

HeavyweightZed  24,700

Yantorno                        9420

 

 

Final

Herman                          5650

HeavyweightZed  11,400

 

----------------------

 

20000607

 

 

 

Subj:     in related news

Date:     6/7/2000 1:58:27 PM Eastern Daylight Time

Professional Pinballer Charged Following Rampage

 

Greenwich, CT

 

Professional pinballer Jason Damberg has been charged following a day long rampage through the affluent Connecticut town of Greenwich. According to Greenwich authorities Damberg has been charged with burnin' and lootin' as well as falling to pay for several Beef Jerky type snack treats he consumed at his place of employment. When asked why the Damberg's spree of mayhem was able to go unchecked for a full day Greenwich Police Chief Allan Feralpig offered " For such a skinny guy Damberg is surprisingly strong and wily." Sources close to Damberg report that the spree was touched off when he realized that as a result of failing to change his calendar for several months he

had missed the Memorial Day Master Pinball Tourney in Ithaca NY. Damberg's paramour gave the following statement " He just started muttering about the calendar, I knew right away something was wrong cause t was different than his usual muttering" Apparently Damberg had planned to use the tourney as a pringboard to vault himself back on the stage of international pinball. Damberg, who is also known by the aliases of Two Ton, Flavius Thompson, that skinny guy who works at Rogan's, and that f---- who I paid for a tennis lesson but never showed up is scheduled for arraignment on Friday.

-----------------------

 

20000619

 

HZ

 

::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::

 

LIFFORD INDITED IN ILLEGAL PANTYPAL RING

6.19.2000

 

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA.. There was a time when he was among the world’s top ranked pinballers, but not even the rumors of soy-sauce addiction or advanced rectal elephantitus could compete with the sad truth of ex-champion R. Splifford Lifford. Lifford emerged from his long disappearance today as he was placed under arrest for running an international “Penpal Ring.” Lifford will be detained in Huk-Dong Prison in Seoul until his trial one week from today.

 

Speaking through an interpreter, Seoul Police Chief Tung Lee made the following statement. “Mr. Lifford’s international ‘penpal ring’ was only a front for a very profitable and very nasty Korean pantypal ring. The export of Korean panty, although tantalizing, is illegal and punishable by up to a life sentence.”

 

During a mid-day raid on Lifford’s apartment, police collected what amounted to 13.5 cubic meters of women’s underwear, or approximately two-thirds of his entire apartment. Police came across the massive panty stash after receiving an anonymous tip that Lifford was hoping to step his loathsome business up to the next level: a Korean popsiepal ring.

 

Under instructions from his lawyer, Lifford would not make any comments from his holding cell. His repeated requests “for anything soft and flimsy” were repeatedly denied by wardens.

 

-wownet digital news

-----------------------------

 

20000705

 

DJ

 

Subj:     ::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     7/5/2000 4:39:22 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    DJonas@mfi.com (David Jonas)

 

New Rochelle, NY - Fearful for its life, Medieval Madness, tucked away in the corner of New Roc City's SportsPlex, dished out consecutive and unprovoked SLAM TILTS as amateur Wownet member T. Breath progressed toward Grand Master Status for what would have been the first time in his quiet career. Eyewitness accounts said T. Breath, playing at the top of his game and way above his head, had won a free game on his very first ball, was in the midst of back-to-back multiballs and listening gleefully to Merlin shout 'SUPER JACKPOT' no less than 7 times when the table gave out and would take no more abuse. The sceanrio played itself out a second time in an eerily similar fashion, again flashing the SLAM TILT on the very first ball as T.Breath already was half way to the top score and sweating profusely as confused teeny-boppers looked on. At that point, T.Breath attacked the machine and began yelling, "138 million! Don't do this to me you bastard! I'll kill ya! I'll kill all of ya!" before being subdued by SportsPlex security. "That bastard table couldn't take the heat," said an irate T. Breath as he was escorted to a squad car outside the facility. "Slam Tilt my ass. The only beating I gave it was after it screwed me....twice!" More disturbing than the violent but well understood outburst, was the behavior of the machine.

 

Local pinballers who had been in the area during the episode said they had never seen a table die as abruptly or refuse to cooperate with such a stellar performance. "That table just was piss scared that it would have a new Grand Master and it couldn't let that happen," said one unidentified man on the scene. "But the dude was really on and was treating the Madness with the gentlest touch. That has gotta hurt." Wownet readers are encouraged to send along any reports of similar machine behavior immediately. At press time it was unclear when T.Breath would be released from the mental wing of the New Rochelle General Hospital or if he would ever play again. "He sure as hell ain't ever allowed in here again," said SportPlex chief of security.

--------------------

 

20000711

 

EK

 

Subj:     ::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     7/11/2000 8:53:59 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    eklein@essential.org (eklein)

 

ITHACA NEW YORK USA

07-11-00

 

The location for a benefit to raise bail for brother WoWist T. Breath could not have been more fitting than I-Town, the epicenter of the WoWist movement. Pinball fans endured long lines and eagerly paid the $25 prince tg to watch the mid-week matches featuring some of the world greatest in an intimate small venue setting. After the disappointment raised by the Independence Cup, whose sponsors withdrawal cancelled pay-per-view coverage and whose only "highlight" was a Matty Herman red card and suspension, Rude-Aid was the tour-de-force in pro-ball this week.

 

WoWist were at the top of the leader board throughout the tournament bringing tasty competition to all three machines featured in Rude-Aid. AFM, BF, and AF all felt the tell tale spank and shake of the eclectic WoWists whose bar tabs at times rivaled their scores. eklein showed composure with little grace as he mounted game after game of dHZzling scores. The Grand Champion of the tournament he was, with play at the top of his game throughout the benifit. Speaking of himself in the locker room post-game eklein had this to say "Right, so when there's a brothers' in a spot of trouble, you put all the pansy prattlin' and goins on behind ya and just play the freakin' ball. I was a bit weary after the AFM bout an' the lass in the first row was makin' the damndest of eyes at me, oh and me pipe was runnin' on empty, but Rude-Aid has a purpose," eklein said pausing to swallow pills with a mixed drink "which I think has somethin' to do with handsome play bein' reward by legalized harems." eklein was steadied by two female attendants at the award ceremony later that night.In other WoWist benifit news, what started as a SLAM TILT mimicking homage to T. Breath by heavyweightZed became a graceful stroking of the ever elusive DEATH SAVE technique. While using clause 8 subsection A of the Rude-Aid chartered rules to his utmost benifit, heavyweightZed repeatedly shocked the crowd with rejuvenated gutter balls as he went on to place second in the tournament. Zed returned no less than 7 balls from the gutters grasp and did so with an ease few pinballers have ever seen. Accompanied by his lawyer at the post match press conference Zed had this to say "And I quote," Zed said as he pointed accusingly at those members of the media assembled "8 subsection A clearly reads... Rules? Rude-Aid ain't got no jack-assed rules. end of quote." Zed's lawyer nodded in agreement.

 

All in all a blistering mid-week display of sportsmanship and pinball tensity Rude-Aid was not without distractions. While the benifit raised a staggering $50K, by the end of the lengthy tallying of bar tabs, breakage, player appearance fees and bail sums, the total amount donated to T. Breath was a mere $16.71. A trifling sum when compared to the embattled players legal fees.

-------------------------------

 

20000712

 

HZ

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

Date:     7/12/2000 5:45:06 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    zedz@jup.com

 

HERMAN EATS SOME CHICKEN

07.12.00

ITHACA NY USA. Pro pinballer and longtime vegan Mattie Herman was seen eating some chicken recently, sources close to the vagrant superstar reported yesterday. Said one-time pop-icon and close friend of Herman's, Adam Ant, "Things were getting a bit hHZy about then, but I think I saw Hermie eating a bit of cheeseburger as well. Me eyelids were starting to droop from the muscle relaxers and they had just let the popsies out of the den. I think I remember it, though: the smell of shampoo, the shrieking, and Hermie hunched over by the grill with a burger in his hand." Added Ant "A round of 'hide-the-spatula' was just getting started, but I think Herman was asking if he could get NPR on the hi-fi... And that's all I remember."

The burger sighting comes only a few days after Herman reportedly ordered and ate a chicken and cocaine calzone after returning from a late night of cockfight gambling. DP Dough's new "ListentometalkZone" had originally been named the "HermalopeZone" but the fast food organization was not willing to pay the exorbitant licensing fees to use Herman's name.

-wownet digital news

--------------------------

 

20000712

 

EK

 

Subj:     ::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     7/12/2000 6:07:34 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    eklein@essential.org (eklein)

 

IN BRIEF:

ROCHESTER NEW YORK USA

07-08-00

 

HeavywieghtZed continued his rankings slide this week in another baffling loss to an unranked player. Identified only as NJT and ablHZe in Dutch Orange the buxom hip swaggering new comer put heavywieghtZed down with a moderate degree of authority. hZ claimed the "the odds overtime" of an upset of this magnitude were "only probable". Mike Barry of Pinball Weekly had this to say. "NJT is a solid player, but I believe heavyweightZed was overcome by the sheer power of his morphine prescription." HeavywieghtZed received the dose Friday after nearly amputating two toes during a barefoot DEATH SAVE attempt.

 

ITHACA NEW YORK USA

07-11-00

 

Deep in the smoke filled recesses of Pete's Cayuga Bar, eklein secured yet another willing groupie of his growing pinball entourage. After watching the international player join the family on AF the desirable disciple agreed to moderate tattooing and branding necessary for membership privileges. Scores like eklein's 114 million point assault have earned him more than one follower in the past, however the deal was sealed when it was learned that the curvacious devotee already had attained her NYS bar tending certificate.

-----------------------

 

20000718

 

PI

 

Subj:     It's coming...

Date:     7/18/2000 12:43:24 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    pimbres@bellatlantic.net (Pete Imbres)

 

Behold...

 

http://members.bellatlantic.net/~pimbres/luscious.htm

 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

 

WOWISTS TO HOST TOURNAMENT IN NEW YORK CITY

 

New York, NY - July 17, 2000 - In an unprecedented move, a remote sector of the Zen WOWist movement has begun to make arrangements to host the first ever WOWist event outside of the quiet hamlet of Ithaca, NY. While some purists are saying that this means a certain death for the WOWist movement, which has already come under scrutiny due to the lewd behavior of its founding fathers, others are stating that this is the first in a series of initiatives that will take Zen WOWism to the masses.

 

The event, which is being called The Luscious Santa Invitational, is slated to take place at a handful of venues around the New York metropolitan area from Times Square to Williamsburg. Although past tournaments have always taken place on the beloved Dimension, this year's event will utilize a variety of machines ranging from Attack From Mars to Cactus Canyon. Officials allegedly pressured Luscious Santa to hold the event in September as opposed to October because they didn't believe that the city could accommodate crowds for both the World Series and a major WOWist tournament. CBS Sports and ESPN are in negotiations for the rights to the finals.

 

"Excellent," said a distracted Jason Damberg, a.k.a Two Ton, when told of the rumors. When asked if he would commit to being in the tournament Damberg said, "Count me in. Can I call you right back?" Damberg was unable to be contacted for further comment.

 

Many believe that having an event outside of Ithaca, NY, will result in a poor turnout. Just as Luscious Santa was conspicuously absent from similar Ithaca events, most believe that Matt Herman will be skeptical to leave Ithaca for any place that may frown upon his liberal attitudes towards bestiality and erotic gardening. Luscious Santa believes that, if he can get the backing of Brooklyn's "Little Ithaca" community, attendance will be similar to a World Cup game in BrHZil or even a Goose/Sunshine Spider reunion tour.

 

"I speak for all members of Little Ithaca when I say that we will be there with bells on, although Dave usually wears them anyway. We tilted that mutha in Ithaca and we'll tilt this mutha in the media capital of the world!" said Lindsay France, the mayor of Little Ithaca. Information on the event will be updated regularly at http://members.bellatlantic.net/~pimbres/luscious.htm Both Luscious Santa and Heavyweight Zed were available for comment but their slurs could not be translated into English characters. Saranac has been contracted to provide beverages since eKlein damaged relationships with Guiness last summer by hijacking a delivery truck and driving it to a cheerleader camp south of Oswego. eKlein has yet to face the 53 individual charges of "touching my naughty place." The initial costs for the tournament and eKlein's legal fees will be paid for by auctioning off lockets of Cos' hair on eBay for the future cloning of clean blond children.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Luscious Santa Institute for Cerebral Purity

New York, NY

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

------------------------

 

20000719

 

MQ

 

Subj:     ><><><> WOWNET NEWS BRIEF <><><><

Date:     7/19/2000 3:59:19 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    mickiequinn@hotmail.com (Mickie Quinn)

To:        mickiequinn@hotmail.com

 

-----------------------------------------------

KATHMANDU, NEPAL JULY 19, 2000

-----------------------------------------------

 

After a 7 month meditation, the Mighty1 has reportedly broken her vow of silence to

instruct her followers to prepare for a pilgrimage to NYC. "She has forseen the future," one follower said, "the planets will be in alignment. Full WoW will be experienced by the worthy few!"

 

This report coincided with the announcement of the Luscious Santa Invitational, inviting all WoWists past and present, to gather for the first-ever NYC subway series pinball tournament of champions.

 

Our sources report that the Mighty1 will resume her meditation for another month, before returning to Brooklyn to meet with the Little Ithaca Consolate. Then, she will train for the invitational and "kick some luscious ass."

 

-----------------------------------------------

ASSOCIATED PRESS

-----------------------------------------------

-----------------------

 

20000720

 

HZ

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

Date:     7/20/2000 11:45:06 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    zedz@jup.com

 

::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

 

HEAVY Z ARRESTED FOR BOLOGNA FRAUD

07.20.2000

 

NEW YORK CITY. Pro pinballer HeavyweightZed was arrested yesterday afternoon in connection with the auctioning off of fraudulent bologna on EBay, the internet auctioning site. The bologna, which had been touted as "100% genuine Paradise," was selling for upwards of $300 a slice until it was discovered that the sought-after slices had never graced the belly and pecs of another pro pinballer, Gentle Jeff Paradise. It was confirmed that Paradise, an ardent Zen Wowist, has been "meditating" with bologna in preparation for the Luscious Invitational this summer in New York City. "Although I was happy to see that the slices which had supposedly covered my business and forehead were selling for much more than the other slices," said Paradise, "I regret to inform my gentle public that those Ebay slices never graced His Gentleness."

 

HeavyZ is likely to plead not guilty to the charges, beginning yet another thread for the gossip columnists who cover the seven-time champion's increasingly frayed life. The charges come mere hours after Zed received a thrashing by Chilusz in a unpublicized pre-Luscious friendly match in Manhattan. Although HeavyweightZed has not won a match since June 18, his Top 40 single, "Rude for You" still remains at the Billboard number three spot.

 

-wownet digital news

--------------------

 

20000720

 

EK

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

Date:     7/20/2000 11:54:39 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    eklein@essential.org (eklein)

 

KLEIN POSTS ULTIMATUM: AFM GC WILL FALL

07.20.00

 

ITHACA NY USA. Speaking to reporters via speaker phone eklein issued a statement today which many believe to be a publicity stunt for the upcoming Luscious Santa Invitational. "Within the week" last years euroball winner proclaimed "the Attack from Mars Grand Champion will be WOW." eklein's statement was greeted with mixed reaction as the current GC mark of 24billion has stood since November '99. Referring to a Stagger Lee move "too good for Riverdance" klein implied that he is in an era second to none of pinball perfection. "Me girls is keepin' me relaxed, and keepin' the rift-raft away," klein continued "and their new outfits, payed for with what i took from Herm, make BrHZilian dancers look like conservative Puritan housewives." It was concluded that the term 'conservative Puritan' was added for effect. eklein is rumored to have taken thousands from Mattie Herman at a hash smoking speak-easy in I-Town connected to the Panuchie crime family. "klein took full advantage of my state of affairs. Christ I was on me second bloody 99bananas and tonic, that's a late night. I was bleedin' wrecked, then klein starts into poker? Before I knew it I was ringless and writin' checks." Herman admitted in front of Royal Palms of I-Town. eklein continued his interview by thanking long time friend Vide for his girls new costume design saying that without him the "subtle grace and waifness" of it all could not have been achieved. In a mix of female laughter and his own klein applauded the recent pilgrimage of WOWist Gentle Ben sighting that all great WOWists "mark their spot like a dog". The recent Rude-Aid superstar concluded by saying that heavyweightZed got what was coming to him. "I got ripped off in one of his E-Bay stunts awhile back," klein mused "those mannequins were neither anatomically correct or buxom you bastard."

 

-wownet digital news

 

:::::::END TRANSMISSION:::::::::

--------------------

 

20000720

 

JP

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

Date:     7/20/2000 9:51:12 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    jeffparadise@hotmail.com (jeffrey paradise)

 

Brooklyn NY 20 June 2000

 

After two years of isolation Jimmy Paradise (aka Gentle Ben) has recently

been seen covorting with Lucious Santa. Paradise has been long absent from

the scene with only a brief appearance in Ithaca last September.

 

Apparently inspired by the Mighty One's recent announcement and inside

information from Lucious about the invitational, Paradise has been spotted

wearing nothing but bologna and sleeping atop a Theatre of Magic machine in

a pizza parlor near RedHook. The owner of the establishment said "this man

he come into my restaurant and appear to make love to the pinball machine...

he seem nice enough so I let him sleep here, but now he only wear bologna, I

don't get it"

 

This may be proof that Gentle Ben will ride once more and appear at the

invitational. Reaction from the core wowists to this news will hopefully be

forthcoming.

-----------------------

 

20000721

 

MM

 

Subj:     Wownet Digital News

Date:     7/21/2000 12:36:28 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    mattmacd@essential.org (Matt MacDougal)

To:        eklein@essential.org

 

WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS

 

ITHACA, NY, USA -

The flaming Scotsman is at it again. This time, the Scotsman, aka Creature, aka Matthew MacDougal was arrested along with well known local vietnam vet and re-incarnated viking blacksmith Big Bald Lloyd. Both were charged with Inciting a riot, indecent exposure, and destruction of public property. It was a normal evening at the Chanticleer, MacDougal and Lloyd were downing pints and reading the New York Times, when MacDougal came across a rather disturbing article. "It seems the Bureau of Alcohol, tobacco, and firearms wants to impose a sin tax of fifty cents per game on pinball" said MacDougal, "I know that pinball can be a dangerous weapon when in the 'ands of a trained professional, but since when does the ATF 'ave the right to regulate pinball? It's bullocks!" MacDougal and Lloyd were able to whip the pro-pinball crowd into a heated, window-smashing, bottle throwing frenzy with bold, politically-charged rhetoric. MacDougal emerged from the mens room wearing a kilt of his family tartan and little else. His face painted blue using a 2000 flushes tablet found in the toilet tank. The Scotsman jumped bare-chested on the bar with a loincloth clad, war-painted Lloyd at his side and launched into a tirade, denouncing the US government and the ATF as fascists. "If uncle Sam thinks he can bend us over and bugger us like a chorus line of japanese schoolgirls, he's dead wrong! We will fight to the last man, we must 'ave pinball for the masses. They can take our jukebox, they can take our video trivia machine, but they'll never take our pinball!" MacDougal's speech was cut short when a rogue blast from the air conditioning system sent his kilt flying above his head, exposing his worldly good to the crowd. Several men in the audience recoiled in a mix of amHZement and horror, while at least four women fainted on the spot. Seconds later the duo was interrupted by officers wielding stun guns, tear gas, and pepper spray. It took 20 officers a total of fifteen minutes of LAPD style beating to finally subdue Lloyd and the Scottsman.

 

When questioned about the incident, MacDougals' lawyer, Johnnie Cochran, stated. "The actions of the government and police were wholly un-constitutional, my client was standing up for the rights and free speech of all americans. We will prevail in this case, I have no doubt." When asked of the Scotsmans whereabouts, Cochran replied, "My client is resting comfortably in a secluded safehouse, he is restrained with leather straps, and very heavily sedated at this time. But be assured he will return to the pinball circuit very soon."

------------

 

20000727

 

HZ

 

Subj:     ::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::

Date:     7/27/2000 5:31:42 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    Zed

 

:::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::

 

ZED SHOWS SUPPORT FOR F SCOTSMAN

7.27.2000

 

NEW YORK CITY. HeavyweightZed held a brief press conference today before returning back to his summertime oxygen chamber. “Nothing like a good bit of the ‘here’s-me-opinion-and-here’s-me-lead-pipe’ said Zed. “A round of ‘smash-ye-skull-sir’ is a grand way to get ye point across. The Scotsman has a healthy cause and I support him wholeheartedly.... I would also like to add that I enjoy whiskey. Immensely."

 

-wownet digital news

20000727

 

HZ

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET INTERNAL MEMO:::::::::::::

Date:     7/27/2000 5:54:10 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    zedz@jup.com

 

MESSAGE ID: 8822299111003

MESSAGE CONTENT: <<<<<<<<Gentlemen, WOW HQ has compiled the Wownet Digital

Archives for your gleeful consumption... Read through 48 pages of saucy Wowist banter and remember that you are members of a proud and powerful following that has affected the lives of hundreds of millions of people... If a press release has been incorrectly credited to you or someone else, please respond to HQ ASAP... Some releases have no dates. If you sent one of these messages please respond to HQ ASAP. Please check to see that you have a drink in your hand. If you have no drink in your hand, please respond to HQ ASP so that we may send you an emergency packet of powdered Instant Two Ton Mix. One of these press releases is to become the pilot episode of an animated WOW series. Please vote for your favorite. If you cannot open the attachment contact HQ. May you live always in the red splendor of the WOW.>>>>>>>>>>>> END TRANSMISSION

20000728

 

gr

 

Subj:     Re: ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

Date:     7/28/2000 1:07:26 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    gar1@cornell.edu

 

WOWIST MONK LEADS DEVOTEES TO MT. TEMPLE WITH NEAR FATAL CONSEQUENCES

28.07.2000

 

SEOUL (WOWNET correspondent - the lord) A group of Wowsist devotees Chairless Barker, Leah "lights?" Occoner, Christina Kim Chi Bedocs, and the lord were lead by the now traditional

Korean Wowist Monk Robert Wessely Lifford III to a Wowist temple deep in the heart of Namsan National Park. Lifford promising a mild hike into the heart a region that is know as

one of the holiest sites to ZenWowists unknowingly jepordized the lives of these impassioned pilgrims. Stories of a temple at the peak of a majestic mountain with pinball tables such as the western world has never see, reliefs of the mythical stories of the WOW (in his many incarnations), fresh mountain springs and views of the Korean country side that would bring peace and relaxation to these travel worn zealots.

 

Unfortunately, after several hours of treacherous climbing the forlorn group ran out of nurishing alcoholic beverages and began to drink water. This also precious fluid of sustainance also ran out soon there after. A couple of encounters with local mountain farmers replenished the groups

need for alcohol, but neither this nor the scenic views were able to revitalize the troops.

 

In their hysteria, Monk Lifford and the lord began to play broom ball with straw brooms the found on the side of the path and an empty water bottle. At the same time Kim Chi Bedocs laid down to her final dreams of the WOW, with all hopes lost. Just when the group was about to give up and start contemplating canabolism, Chairless spots the mythical temple glowing in radiance. At the foot was the Magic turtle of life and sustainance which spewed vitalizing spring water out of his mouth. The weary pilgrims were instantly filled with the energy of the WOW. They danced (with the aid of a PUMP machine) and played around the water until their attention returned to the WOW.

 

"The path to enlightenment follows many twists and turns," said Monk Lifford with a palm knowing subtle smile, "some are mild and easy while the most fullfiling harsh and steep. I think these honored devotees deserve applause for their courage and sacrifice. And for the rest of you fuckers back in the States - you better come visit me too, if you want to know the WOW."

 

- hoping to bring some of the teachings of the great Lifford back to the great Boston area, this is the lord reporting from Seoul Korea.

 

Peace and WOW.

 

20000728

 

jg

 

Subj:     :::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::::

Date:     7/28/2000 4:50:09 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    goody9@twcny.rr.com (Jeff Goodmark)

 

July 28 2000 AD 4:20 PM

 

After a three week tour of Europe GoodeE is deported!

 

It started out a typical vacation, but soon turned into something more. With the "loose" drug use policy and abundance of wine, it seems that WOWIST member Jeff GoodE Goodmark was deported for a string of events leading up to a full blown riot down the Spui Stratt in the heart of Amsterdam. Police say, like the pied piper, he led a string of "extremely stoned" American tourists in his wake from pinball machine to pinball machine. Watching awestruck as he captured high score after high score. Just after 10:30 PM on Wednesday the mob turned ugly when they came upon a T2 in NON-working order. They demanded a refund from the bar keep who said through a cloud of hashish smoke "Sorry dude..... but its like not my problem" Less that an hour later GoodE was back on a plane to the states. We managed to catch up to him in Schipol Airport for this comment: "Pinball is like so cool when your stoned. I think that's why they call it a HIGH score".

 

END TRANSMISSION

 

20000728

 

jr

 

Subj:     WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS.... .. ..Who IS Otis???

Date:     7/28/2000 2:36:03 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    pict72@yahoo.com (j r)

 

WOWist Watch Group: report

 

"Double Danger from the Left Ramp"

 

.....From out of the West came a man.

 

His only mission was to upset any organized silverball religion. Town after town is ravaged by

his disregard for order. Becoming tired of feeding off of the weak and destitute in America's

"Heartland," he travels East. After a dozen or so shots of Bushmills and two cases of Camel Filterless, he finds himself in the hamlet of Ithaca. One of the compounds of the WOWIST movement. Once he was able to smudge the sobriety from his soul, he searched out the WOWIST Hierarchy. HZ has had more than one encounter with this surly fellow. Gorges, indeed. Otis plants himself in the Chanti, planning on removing all traces of WOW within the town limits. From the Haunt to Ides Bowl. Otis, using moves regarded as illicit and unnatural by the East Germans, destroys Mars and shoots Cartman in the Hole. As of July we have lost

sight of this WOWophobic mongrel. With the Luscious Santa Invitational months away, NYC officials have already begun setting-up check points outside of the City. Reports of underground vigilantes have surfaced from outside Manhattan. Phillip Grooven (alias), leader of the WFC (WOWIST Fundamentalist Coalition), is prepared to bring an end to this "problem." "We

cannot stand idly by while this menace prepares his coup d'etat," said Grooven at a press conference held last week at a secret location. What this means for WOWISM is...Nothing. This type of motivation will never succeed. If and when Otis show his face again the Gods (and devils) will be on the side of WOW. Otis may still be a theat, but not in this lifetime. For more information about this nusance, check out the following link:

 

http://hailotis.com/index.html

 

Those of you still in Ithaca, NY may want to keep one eye on the ball and another at the bar. You'll see him. Wearing his coveted Pleather jacket and disguising his cloven-feet. Good luck my fellow followers. Keep your quarters flowing, hips pounding and hands spanking. Exhale when you inhale and use the power of WOW to cultivate your death save.

 

......End Report.

"Philly J"

 

WWG-R01

Boston, MA

 

20000728

 

lf

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

Date:     7/28/2000 1:00:26 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    lindsayf@mindspring.com (Lindsay France)

 

NYC, NY, 28 July 2000.

The late late LATE edition.

 

"All he needs is a little love, affection, and human tender-(hiccup)-ness."

 

This slur from heavyweight Zed, late in the dark depths and crevices of a few pints of Jager and Coke on this rainy foggy night of 220% humidity. Apparently, Luscious Santa and Tingboy have been plotting underground for an all-effort kidnapping of Two Ton "TT" Boy, the Father of Modern Pinball, from his collective unconscious for the upcoming Luscious Santa Invitational in New York City this fall. hZ is prepared to train and lead the back-up forces, as well as face ( and belch to) the ever-escalating P.R. over this recently acquired information. The aforementioned TT Boy has been absent from the WOWist scene since early 1997......absent from physical appearances, absent from phone interviews, absent from email transmissions. Among hiccups and voice breaks, hZ predicts the conspiracy to end with little struggle, much marijuana, and, after a lock-down in a closet with a pinball machine -- or at least a few hours straight of submission to a repeating "Heart of the Sunrise," while blowing bong-hits through the miniscule closet-door cracks and refusing the fanatical screams for Butterfingers -- a feeble, "Excellent, count me in."

 

All interested in boot camp, please send one dozen chicken wings to Luscious Santa and one pastrami sandwich to hZ. Tingboy just needs a hug.

 

-wownet digital news

20000803

 

EK

 

Subj:     :::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL BOOK REVIEW:::::::::::::

Date:     8/3/2000 8:56:42 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    eklein@essential.org (eklein)

 

SEE “KLEIN’S TINGBOY.DOC”

20000804

 

JR

 

Subj:     =======WÖWNET R&D ņ =========

Date:     8/4/2000 10:00:32 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    jrodgers@MIT.EDU (joel rodgers)

 

Greeting From MIT,

 

This is a resource update for all WOWNET Users.

 

Below are links to several sites throughout the world (and something special for Mr. Coney Island). Use the info as best you can. Save the old machines! Taunt your friends. frighten your peers. And whatever you feel fit.

 

Adios

 

JR

----------------------

 

http://www.webring.org/cgi-bin/webring?list;ring=pinball

http://www.pinformer.co.uk/

http://home.iae.nl/users/vlamings/

http://www.xs4all.nl/~taco/pinball/index.htm

-----------------------

FOR GoodE:

http://web.tampabay.rr.com/gameplan/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

20000806

 

HZ

 

Subj:     Re: WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS.... .. ..Who IS Otis???

Date:     8/6/2000 6:11:58 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    Zed

 

:::::::::WOWNET TRANSMISSION:::::::::::::

 

MESSAGE ID: 3872165102 FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY FOR INTENAL USE ONLY

MESSAGE AUTHOR: HEAVYWEIGHTZED

MESSAGE CONTENT<<<<<<<<<Gentlemen: Who is Otis? And why does he claim to have met me? Is he really threatening the Wowists? The Followers of the Excellent Path? After more data is collected on Otis, HQ will take one of two courses of action: 1) Agents will dump a bucket of red-pepper hummus over his head and set Hermie loose on him. Otis will be torn to shreds within minutes. 2) Instead of eliminating this Otis, we may choose to play his game so that we can later use him as a patsy in the kidnapping of TT BOY for the Luscious Santa Tournament and WOWtown Rodeo. HQ will update all agents of this sensitive issue as events warrent. If you come in contact with Otis, buy him a drink and attempt to earn his confidence. Do not, however, throw any matches. It is important for all pagans to have a firsthand understanding of the awesome power of the WOW. Remember always that the WOW is within you is without you.>>>>>>>>>>>END TRANSMISSION FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY FOR INTENAL USE ONLY

20000806

 

HZ

 

Subj:     :::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::::

Date:     8/6/2000 6:15:37 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    Zed

 

:::::::::::WOWNET TRANSMISSION::::::::::::::

 

MESSAGE ID: 84801033111339

MESSAGE CONTENT: <<<<<<<<As reported by Agent EKlein, a true Wowist hero has returned home to the Dream World, to the holy red-pulsing glory of the WOW. Please take a moment of silence and contemplate on the great contributions that GORDON A MORRISON, the man responsible for the artwork on the Holiest of Machines, Dimension, made to the Wowist Community.>>>>>>>>>>>ATTACHMENT<<<<<<<Gordon A. Morison, beloved husband of Joan; loving stepfather of Laurel (Jim) Sorenson, Michelle (Steven) Hoover, Suzy (Christopher) Greco; fond brother of Norman. He was a commerical graphic artist and the originator of Pinball Art. Korean War Army Veteran. Visitation Monday 11 a.m. til time of service at 11:30 a.m.,Grove Memorial Chapel, 1199 S. Arlington Hgts. Rd., Elk Grove Village. Interment Christ Lutheran Cemetery (Orland Park). Contributions to American Cancer Society Appreciated.847-640-0566>>>>>>>>>END TRANSMISSION

20000806

 

PI

 

Subj:     Luscious Santa Invitational Update

Date:     8/6/2000 2:12:30 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    pimbres@bellatlantic.net (Peter Imbres)

 

WOWNET DIGITAL TRANSMISSION........;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;....................-----------------

010010010101101101010101101010110110110011010110101011010101010101010

 

The Luscious Santa Invitational

September 30, 2000 - NYC

 

Official Web site - http://members.bellatlantic.net/~pimbres/lsanta.swf

Or, if you don't have Flash - http://members.bellatlantic.net/~pimbres/luscious.htm

 

Registration begins next week!

 

TOP STORIES

- First Venues Clear High Priest's Scrutiny

- GoodE Bows Out?

- TT Update: This Number is No Longer in Service

 

Who Will Host the WOW?

New York, NY - To the thrill of many out-of-work members of the paparHZzi, Mighty Quinn, Heavyweight Zed and Luscious Santa were seen stumbling around the East Village today while confirming venues for the upcoming Luscious Santa invitational. While many cynics, including the Pope, have been dismissing rumors of the summit, it now appears that there is little doubt whether or not this event is going to happen.

 

"They just walked in here and started giving the business to those pinball machines over there," said Sally, a bartender at ACE. "While Luscious Santa was behind the bar checking out our permits and making sure the alcohol was pure, Heavyweight Zed leaned over the bar and asked if we keep an extra gallon of Vaseline around in case of emergency. I didn't know what he meant

and he just kept on staring at me with this crHZy look in his eyes while nervously tugging at his collar and twitching his eyebrows."

 

While a handful of locals were treated to a lukewarm performance from the trio, things reached a distinct climax when Mighty Quinn approached a double replay on a Junkyard machine in a bar rumored to be the headquarters of a homosexual resistance army. When asked how she managed to perform at such an elevated level after so many cocktails earlier in the day, Quinn said, "I had the good fortune of encountering some Disco Fries earlier in the day. After being soaked in liquefied veal for 3 weeks the fries are put back into the frier and then covered with gravy and American cheese. That's just the kind of fuel a young woman needs for a long day of pinball and debauchery."

 

Among the venues selected were ACE, 7B, Max Fish and others.

 

 

Wowism Continues to Trail Bagels by a Healthy Smear of Cream Cheese

Ithaca, NY - The Wowist world was shocked today when GoodE refused to commit to the tournament due to a previous engagement with a loaf of pumpernickel. Both Heavyweight Zed and Luscious Santa were supposedly so furious at the decision that they swore to take certain liberties with GoodE's wife, known to most as AbsoluteCitron, if the decision was not reversed.

 

"I cahnt freekin' believe this bleeding poof!" shouted Heavyweight Zed while rushing to his limousine. "After Vide beat him within an inch of his lox and alfalfa sprouts in I-town, you'd a thunk da bastard would be leapin' up and don like a cheerleader at the opportunity to salvage a shred of fahkin' dignahty!"

 

Luscious Santa refused an interview on the subject but issued a statement saying that the press would "eat him alive."

 

 

The Search for Two Ton Continues

 

Stamford, CT - Today a representative of Luscious Santa Inc. encountered another setback in the quest to locate and retrieve Jay "Two Ton" Damberg. When calling Two Ton on his direct private line it was revealed that no bills have been paid and the phone has been shut off. It appears Two Ton will have trouble securing another phone do to his poor standing with Bell Atlantic, Sprint, US West, Citizen Telecomm, RCN, MCI and AT&T. Wowist leaders said that this is forcing them one step closer to the proposed plan of kidnapping Two Ton, which is now Referred to as "Operation: Excellent."

 

<end of tranmission>

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Agent 2735926

Luscious Santa Center for Personal Betterness and Pharmaceutical Exploration

New York, NY

509-692-0862 (fax)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

20000807

 

EK

 

:::::::::::WOWNET II DIGITAL TEST SIGNAL:::::::::::::

 

THIS IS A TEST> WOWNET II DIGITAL NEWS NETWORK IS PERFORMING A TEST> IF THIS SIGNAL IS RECIEVED THE CREATION OF WOWNET II HAS BEEN CONFIRMED> PRAISE JAH!>THIS IS A TEST> THE FOLLOWING IS A LIST OF CONFIRMED AGENTS> USE THIS INFORMATION TO THE BEST OF ITS ABILITY> THIS CONCLUDES THIS TEST>

 

<rlifford@hotmail.com><pimbres@bellatlantic.net><zenwow_1999@yahoo.com><go

<rlifford@hotmail.com><pimbres@bellatlantic.net><zenwow_1999@yahoo.com><good

y9@twcny.rr.com><tingboy61@hotmail.com><tingboy@manhattanusersguide.com><zwa

s@aol.com><zedz@jup.com>

 

THE CREATION OF WOWNET II IS A PRIVATE DERIVATIVE OF WOWNET>DISPATCHES WRITTEN WITH A WOWNET II BANDWIDTH SHALL SKIRT THE FRAY OF THE WOWNET CIRCLE AND DELIVER NEWS TO THE CENTRAL OFFICERS AND AGENTS THEREIN>THIS LIST SHALL CONTAIN NONE OTHER THAN RELIABLE EAST COAST WOWIST AGENTS > FRIENDS OF WOWISTS OR WOWISTS WITH AMATEUR STATUS SHALL USE WOWNET> THIS CHANNEL SHOULD ONLY BE USED IN THE TRANSMITTAL OF SENSITIVE MATERIAL NOT

PERTAINING TO THE WHOLE> END TRANSMISSION>

20000807

 

ek

 

~Personal Correspondence~

Dear heavyweightZed,
        
I write to inform you about you recent question. Otis, it would appear, is the current Grand Champion on AFM whose initials are OTS. Clearly some of his WOWist comrades have decided to use the WOWnet to further this mans lucky moment in the spotlight. But becalm yourself, his time will pass.
        J Goode Goodmark, at our last meeting at the Chanti reported that he knew of this "Otis", and another renegade companion who had posted scores in the top four. This news is alarming since this is I-town, where WOW is GC as a symbol of the glory of the movement. Time and concentration are needed to rectify the situation. For now channel WOWist energy towards I-Town, I'll play again tonight.
        Bear in mind however that the safety of the WOWnet has been breached. The general listing of agents now includes those who cavort with outsiders, who openly detail the attributes of those who believe in such low ideals as self in pinball, people who believe in score. An inner circle of agents whose conviction and dedication is known is being created. WOWnet II will alleviate the communications problems we have experienced in the past. This will allow communication to take place in general view on WOWnet, or to the select on WOWnet II. List to follow.  

Peace and WOW
Your Humble Servant
eKlein 

 

20000809

 

dj

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

Date:     8/9/2000 8:48:54 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    DJonas@mfi.com (David Jonas)

 

New Rochelle, N.Y. - Donning a chartreuse suede 10-galloon hat, mirrored sunglasses, pink-sequined vest and alligator skin boots, Tonto last night discreetly made his return to the New Roc City Sports Plus entertainment complex in an effort to excise his demons. Indeed, many Wowists will recall a disturbing incident last month involving a frightened Medieval Madness machine, an ensuing violent outburst from Tonto and the resulting incarceration.

This reporter learned that Tonto, who had been locked up in the psychiatric ward of New Rochelle General Hospital since the incident, escaped custody last night aided by two unknown abettors. His first act with his newfound freedom was an immediate return to the scene of the debauchery, though prudently in disguise to avoid attention from SportsPlus security on orders to shoot first and ask questions later. In a rare interview, the reclusive Tonto said, "When one is kicked, one gets back up. If that damned horse bucks you, you get back on, no matter how much tequila ya gots in ya." It was later discovered that Tonto had been dining at a local FreshMex establishment and had downed an

innumerable number of ‘Prickly Pear Margaritas.’ Shocked to find the 138 million high score still intact on the very same Medieval Madness machine, Tonto tried his luck once more. Alas, the magic of that evening a month would not surface again and luckily for the machine, its temperament permitted a full game to be played, despite repeated multiball/super jackpots from Tonto and a valiant effort to gain the top ranking.

When asked if his less than stellar play would deter him from joining other Wowists in an upcoming invitational in New York City, Tonto, with a crHZed look in his eyes, replied, "I’ll be there. Ten gallon hat, boots, tequila and all."

Making Tonto’s return to organized play more daring are the current warrants out for his arrest in New York City resulting from unfortunate marijuana violations. Unnerved, pressing his hands together and occasionally breaking into diabolical laughter, Tonto said, "Luscious Santa and his group will have all in order. I have faith, brother. Christmas will come early."

 

20000824

 

pi

 

Subj:     ....::::::WoWnet Digital Transmission:::::::.......

Date:     8/24/2000 11:46:09 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    pimbres@bellatlantic.net (Peter Imbres)

 

The exact parameters of the Luscious Santa Invitational are in your hands!

 

Due to several major events in the lives of high ranking Wowists and the strange rituals of a raucous new cult known as Judaism, the Luscious Santa invitational will be moved into the more Libra-positive month of October.

 

Corporal Lt. Robert W. Spliffy has agreed to make special arrangements to travel from Korea to the US in hopes of keeping his place as a feared world leader in the realm of WoW. Unfortunately, due to the wedding of David "Slowhand" Jonas, Lifford and others would only be able to rock the silver ball on Sunday 11/5. I am curious to know whether or not the Ithacans and

other non-NYCers can accommodate this request due to their various levels of employment. Please respond immediately with your feedback on this matter.

 

The option is holding the event on October 14th. This would be a Saturday afternoon and the youngsters could frolic into the night without any substantial repercussions. Either way Mr. Spliffy will be welcomed back into the US by an esteemed international committee at the UN. It is rumored that they will be presenting Spliffy with a vibrating pocket-sized Bride of Pinpot machine and couple cases of original Wegman's fish sticks. As per NY state law, no women under the age of 16 are allowed within 20 feet of an unshackled Spliffy. Arrangements to see Spliffy can be made exclusively through the 11th Avenue Gentleman's Club.

 

TT Update -

Luscious Santa Enterprises has repeatedly come up empty on attempts to kidnap Two Ton and bring him to a holding cell at the Bronx Zoo in preparation for the tournament. Many revelers have stated that their respect for the church of WoW will be diminished without an obvious prophet for the new millennium. The company refused to comment when asked if it was true that they were dressing Cos up in his Halloween 1997 cheerleading outfit to distract the press from investigating this further.

 

Please remember to reply to this with your date preference...thanks.

 

Yours in WoW,

 

Agent #2758-2WS34

Washington, D.C.

 

20000825

 

mq

 

Subj:     ::::WOWNET RESPONSE: SPLIFFY ADVICE::::

Date:     8/25/2000 11:40:06 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    mickiequinn@hotmail.com (Mickie Quinn)

 

Thank you, esteemed Spliffy one. Once again, you have inspired me.

 

I have freed myself from the shackles of my undersexed position as Sodomy Co-ordinator at Spank-Me-A-Go-Go. I will indeed be free on Sunday, November 5th for the LSI, as well as the following day for a Bloody Mary hangover treatment.

 

As a result of leaving my vocation of choice, I feel that it is my duty to warn you: I might need to spank someone.

 

The Mighty One

________________________________________________________________________

 

20000825

 

rl

 

Subj:     :::::::WOWNET re: invitational date::::::::::

Date:     8/25/2000 4:20:01 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    rlifford@hotmail.com (Rob Lifford)

 

Esteemed colleagues:

 

Of course, I can't expect all of you to easily accept that I'm pushing for the LS invitational to be held on a Sunday (11/5)... In many of your shoes, I wouldn't want to consider the possibility of a drug-and-booze-addled trip back to the promised land of Ithaca nor the cursed land of wherever-the-fuck-else you might live. Nor would I much enjoy the prospect of bringing a hHZy hangover and flipper-finger arthritis into my place of business on the following Monday even if I happened to live in the greater NYC area. That is why I'm reaching out to you all, just once, with this simple but impassioned plea:

 

Just quit your goddamned jobs.

 

Sure, it sounds rash, but doesn't it have a nice ring to it? Just quit your goddamned jobs. You are almost certainly underpaid, underappreciated, underdrugged and undersexed at your current workplace anyway. Just quit your goddamned jobs. Your boss and co-workers insult your work performance, shoes, and ethnic heritage behind your back. Just quit your goddamned jobs.

 

There is another reason to consider this renegade plan for a Sunday tournament. Namely, there is NO pinball in Korea. Sound irrelevant? Think again, amigos. My spanking skills have deteriorated to a laughable, ludicrous point. So if your confidence is down, if you're plagued with doubts about your tournament performance, keep in mind that by adjusting the date to ensure my presence, you'll create a convenient whipping boy, a role that I'm not afraid to fill. You know you suck, right? That even on your best day you can't possibly win because someone else will just be on fire? Well, at least you can't possibly finish dead last with pinball-deprived,

emaciated, malnourished Spliffy in the field, now can you? Can you?

 

So, in review:

 

Just quit your goddamned jobs.

 

Thanks for your consideration.

 

This message self-destructed somewhere in the third sentence. Didn't you notice?

 

:::::R. Spliffowitz::::::

WOWnet Asia Correspondent

:::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

PS Just quit your goddamned jobs.

 

20000828

 

ek

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

Date:     8/28/2000 12:02:09 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    eklein@essential.org (eklein)

 

WOWIST RECEIVE "HIGHEST CELL-PHONE BILL EVER"

 

NYC, 08.28.00

 

In an internal audit of WOWist spending this week it was found that some WOWists have been abusing their cell phone privileges. 2 High Priests received letters this Saturday informing them of their "dangerously high levels of contact and dependance" on the cellular technology in a

memorandum about spending patterns. Yet that very night them same 2 were seen abusing the pocket sized device in the most frivolous of ways.

HeavyweightZed and D Vide were captured on surveillance video at a local Brooklyn bar called the Blue Lounge. The 2, clad in leather pants, yellow sunglasses and reportedly... sandals, were casually drinking sake as they sat for hours speaking to 'no one in particular'. One informant brought this information to bear on the accused. "hZ put me on hold to take another call. It was Vide, sitting across the table. Seems he needed a refill which custom forbade him to pour for himself." Later video shows hZ placing a call to Vide while he was ordering drinks at the bar to ask him to bring napkins back to the table, so he could blow his nose. While Vide was unavailable for comment, hZ said through a spokesperson that the accusations were "false and misleading" and that he had used his cell-phone "within the prescribed bounds of the device." When news of the technological abuses reached Ithaca, Mattie-h had this to say. "Ach, them

poofs just falling slowly through the cracks, making pro-pinball look like a god damn hair gel and leather wearin' prime time Fox program. My decision to not play in the LS Invitational has been justified."

 

--wownet digital news

 

:::::::END TRANSMISSION:::::::::

 

20000828

 

pi

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

Date:     8/28/2000 8:26:45 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    pimbres@bellatlantic.net (Peter Imbres)

 

Protocol - 6D342SS-32

324mhz

Channel W:O:W

Sequence...initiated

...connection established...

 

WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS

 

Lusicious Santa Invitational Update

 

LSI site - members.bellatlantic.net/~pimbres/lsanta.swf (now with techno soundtrack!)

Non-flash - members.bellatlantic.net/~pimbres/luscious.htm

 

New York, NY - August 28,2000 - After much deliberation at the United Nations this past weekend, the leaders of the church of WoW emerged to discuss the plans for the upcoming tournament, which has already begun to overshadow both the Olympics and presidential race. Much to the surprise of many, Luscious Santa Inc. (NASDAQ - LUSC) has agreed to hold two separate events. The Luscious Santa Invitational, in all its worldly glory, will be held on October 14th and a separate event, entitled the Robert Wesley Lifford III International Presidents Circle, will be held in Spliffy's honor on November 5th.

 

"This gives us an opportunity to allow all those stinkin' bastards to crawl out from thar caves and play some silver freeekin' ball. Pencil in THIS you lousy knob polishers!" said Luscious Santa at a recent mixer for the Girl Scouts of America. "No pansy-ass 9-to-5ers can back out of the LSI if it's on a Saturday and Spliffy's event will give everyone a second chance to deflower the brides maids from Slowhand Jonas' wedding the night before if, for some reason, we was...errrr...um...incapacitated."

 

While many of the New York City WoWists have been quoted all over the newsstands about how eagerly they anticipate these events, many Ithacans and out-of-towners have yet to confirm or deny their appearance. Both eKlein and Oh My Gadi have committed to one event or the other but many high-ranking officials have yet to chime in, most notably Chillusz, GoodE,

Lorenslut, and Jah Hoag. Herm has already shown dissention due to the lack of female livestock on the isle of Manhattan.

 

Luscious Santa Inc. asks that all members of the greater WoWist community declare their level of participation through the WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS. If, for some reason, that is undesirable, registration can be done via e-mail or over a Smith and Wollensky steak dinner.

 

LSI Registered Attendee List:

Luscious Santa

Heavyweight Zed

Vide

Mayor France

Mighty Quinn

The Peoples Republic of Paradise

eKlein

 

Robert Wesley Lifford III International Presidents Circle:

Spliffy

Luscious Santa

Oh My Gadi

 

Late breaking news........Jah Hoag sleeps in a drawer.

 

Sincerely,

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

l.santa - Rewarding the Naughty Since 1993

CEO, Luscious Santa Erotic Arts and House Plants, Inc.

New York, NY

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

20000829

 

dj

 

Tuesday, August 29, 2000

 

From the Office of T.Breath

Wowist Westchester Representative

 

With New Rochelle authorities still scratching their heads as to the whereabouts of T.Breath's hidden fortress of amateur WoWism, the fugitive, fledgling pinballer officially announces his intention to participate in the Luscious Santa Invitational on Oct. 14th. Mr. Breath this morning stated, "I look forward to such a gathering, which no doubt will expand the knowledge of

all present on such matters as slander, slam-bamming, sexual steaks and sock puppetry. Luscious is one muthufucka who can mastermind a mingling of much-maligned and morose muggles into a cadre of delicious, dancing denziens."

Mr. Breath promised to clarify statements in the coming days when his salsa and sativa induced hHZe diminishes.

 

Mr. Breath also would like to note the date of the Invitational -- Saturday, October 14th -- as an important date not only in the calendar of the poverty-stricken pygmies of Patagonia [and therefore deserves special recognition by way of traditional consumation of large amounts of Alabama moonshine and chocolate twizzlers], but also for the pinstripped crusaders from the glorious borough of the Bronx. Luscious, no doubt, will take this under advisement and make the appropriate arrangements.

 

As for the Robert Wesley Lifford III International Presidents Circle, Mr. Breath regrettably declines the invite. His inability to participate in no way represents a conflict with another event apparently slated for that weekend. "Who in the hell is this Slowhand, anyway?" Mr. Breath asked. "And why in the hell wasn't I notified about deflowering duties earlier?" Instead, Mr. Breath

with be making a charitable journey to Patagonia on Nov. 5th. "I dunno EXACTLY where I am scheduled to go, but its somewhere down there, with sun and clear waters and short people hungry for U.S. greenbacks."

 

Godspeed,

BabY breaTh

assistant to T.Breath

20000829

 

dy

 

In response to the previously issued press release from the offices of Luscious Santa, Inc. comes the following.

 

Attention ZenWoWist's:

 

From this day forward...stop...Ms. Lindsay France would like to be referred to by her proper title...stop...If she he's one more sorry-assed bitch call her the mayor, she will...stop..."kick the bleedin' shite out aye the lot aye ya punk-arsed carpet-baggers" ...stop...Please take note, the only appropriate title for Ms. France is The Commissioner...stop...Commissioner France expects your cooperation on this issue.

 

Regards,

Commissioners Office

515 Graham Ave

Brooklyn, NY 11222

 

*********************END TRANSMISION*************

 

20000829

 

ek

 

EKLEIN POLISHES MATA HARI, HEAD.

ITHACA NY.USA
08.29.00

   Reports leaked from eKlein's Ithaca compound this morning indicate that the resident immoderate consuming WOWist
may have been involved in a nominal yet embarrassing household accident. The reports contends that eKlein was 'tidying up the place for [his] gals' when he inadvertently shinned his head to near mirror like appearance. The report continues that after klein 'unleashed an amHZing amount of Novous2 playfield polish in an area known for its lack of ventilation' he became disoriented and wobbly. It was in this state that klein then reportedly applied an equally large quantity of playfield polish to his recently shaved head and began vigorously pulling a towel back and forth across his naked skull, this while dancing a jig and singing Guns and Roses Night Train. When a female attendant entered the room she reported that the fumes immediately made her eyes water, she purports that she then dragged klein outside and dowsed him in water. After eKlein had regained his senses he vowed never again to work in such conditions and then held an impromptu wet T-shirt contest at the I-town compound when he attempted to revenge his having buckets of water dumped on his head. His head, so shinny that klein is forced to wear hats or bundles of cloth on his head, is reportedly being used by Cornell engineering students in low friction experiments.

--wownet digital news

:::::::END TRANSMISSION:::::::::

20000829

 

jg

 

Well Well Well lets see what we have here...... Yes I will be attending The RWL3IPC. However with travel in mind I am hoping for a matinee. Just the chance to play pinball with the honorable one is reason enough for me. Not to mention that he hasn't played in years so I have a good chance of beating someone. As far as LSI I will be there as well. Unfortunately, I do work Sunday morning and will need to make my travel plans accordingly.

 

agent 300 giant wow

AKA goodE

 

Ps. I too like sock sock monkeys.

20000829

 

jp

 

8.29.00

NYC

 

"YOU HAVE AN EVENT AND I'LL BE THERE YOU RAT BASTARD! ONE TWO THREE FOUR I'LL F*&%$IN BE THERE"

 

These were the words heard echoing through the union square area early this morning. Early reports indicate that there was a rotund naked man wearing what appeared to be a suit of bolgna. It is unclear at this time whether it was Oscar Meyer or Shofar Kosher.

Authorities attempted to subdue the man who was twiching and repeating the phrase "Lucious WOW Eatum Pinball"

An unconfirmed report suggested this man was known in certain circles as "Paradise Lost" or "Gentle Ben" however all information on this "Paradise character suggested him as "quiet and subdued" which this man was far from.

It can be assumed however, that this is certainly related to the string of bizzarre incidents surrounding the upcoming pinball events here in NYC.

 

-end transmission-

 

20000830

 

ek

 

BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE ITHACA

BROOKLYN NY,USA
08.30.00

  Some have blamed the tap water, others the air, while a few the proximity to Queens, whatever the reason Little Ithaca is in trouble. The small enclave of zenWOWists
located in Greenpoint has always been a reserved population of religious zealots, but as of late, reports emanating from the King's county settlement paint an all to vivid picture of an unravelling social hierarchy. At first, members of the WOWist watchdog group IBITW (I Believe In the WOW!) were of the mind that WOWist behavior was mimicking a well known 1983 incident in a farcical telegraphesque joke. The incident, McDonalds summertime advertising ploy which changed Mayor McCheese to Commissioner McCheese, sparked wide controversy and ultimately led to the disappearance of the Mayor/Commissioner as well as Grimace. However members of IBITW knew the situation was far more grave when Lindsay France issued this statement early Wednesday to a stunned and silent subway-car, while wielding a 40lb mace. "I no longer travel to Manhattan, I travel to Gotham. Anyone got a problem with that?" Todd Duncan of Pinball Weekly believes that Little Ithaca is at a pivotal moment in the micro-societies development, "There is currently a powder-keg of volatile internal competition and bickering amongst the members of Little Ithaca. If they can't find a common ground and come to terms with their differences it will inevitably affect their pinball. In fact it already has." Walter O'Brian of Chase Manhattan Bank concured after a red faced, eyes-closed laugh that "[Certain] members of the 'Little Ithaca' community have recently been turned down on a sizeable loan to develop and outfit a secret cave as a location to 'hide out' while not playing pinball or running around in tights and Underoos." All in all it would appear that Little Ithaca is in need of focus, for no matter what you are called or where you launch you WOWmobile from it is indeed the pinball you play which matters most.

--wownet digital news

:::::::END TRANSMISSION:::::::::

20000831

 

ek

 

MSG MAYHEM: 'YOU CALL THAT A PINBALL RIOT'

NYC
08.31.00

   The scene inside of Madison Square Garden last night can only be described as bedlam, as police battled rioting pinball fans from the arena to the city streets. Tension was high even as the night began exemplified by the heightened security ushering the arriving crowds into separate entrances clearly marked on the northern-east side WOWist
while the southwest side entrance read P-street dreds. Just like the Euroball Champion Challenge of last May, which saw factions of dedicated fans separated by rows of police, so was the scene last night as the WOWists and the Dreds squared off in a highest point total takes all shoot out. Mattie Herman captained the Dreds against the heavily favored WOWists lead by longtime legend and future FIPA hall of famer HeavyweightZed in an explosive display of the highest levels which pinball can reach. It was in the 3rd round of this 4 round bout that the violence erupted in the stands stopping play for over 2 hours. "I had just hit High WOW twice" hZ told reporters this morning via speakerphone from his NYC Environmental Suppression Chamber "and I had the ball on me left flipper waitin' to pull off a little cross-me-to-the-last-low-yellow, when I was hit in the back of me bleedin' head by a Nokia mobile phone, I think it was the new 8890 model, that baby ain't cheap. I press on playin' but 2 seconds later these pigs come and drag me to the locker room." Indeed it was that thrown phone which caused a pack of presumably drunken pro-WOWists hipsters to scale the fence separating them from the now boiling Dred section of the stadium and begin a battle that the US Military would have to eventually end. Soon hundreds of fans were streaming over the blockade as the Dred section quickly took on the appearance of an angry bee hive. The Dreds, many with livestock in-toe, used mostly hand held farm equipment to beat their enemy, while the WOWists mostly swung black wallets on chains above their heads as they threw cell-phone after cell-phone at the enraged mass of Dred supporters. The violence burst its seems as people fled the arena and soon the night air was full of thick choking tear-gas. AmHZingly, the riots injuries were rather low, WOWNET learned from Emergency Rooms around the 5 Boroughs today, with only one case still in the ER. Proctologist Greg McShane told reporters that he had "made progress" in removing a WorldMedia Mobile phone from the "sensitive and critical" area of an injured WOWist supporter. Past the serious injuries most just received a rabies shot and were told to wash well. Evelyn Michaels, an ER technician reported that in all her years she had "never seen so many goat bites", while local veterinarians commented that sheep injuries had increased 200% overnight. The tension felt at last nights Dead Dred Vow the WOW match were not, ironically, felt in the dressing room however, where WOWists and Dreds alike partied side-by-side through the riots until the break of dawn. "Past the obvious differences of personal taste" Mattie Herman told WOWNET, "we're all just Rudeboys come to play the silverball. That sweater Zed's got on for example, is from me favorite sheep Shagsme, them fans are outta control." Authorities agree and are bracing for a possible replay of violence at the pending LSI, slatted for October 14th.

--wownet digital news

:::::::END TRANSMISSION:::::::::

20000901

 

HZ

 

Subj:     RE: ::::::::::::WOWNET STORY HOUR::::::::::::

Date:     9/1/2000 9:41:09 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    zedz@jup.com

 

:::::::::WOWNET STORY HOUR::::::::::

 

"You cannot have the high wow light and thus convert on it if the last low yellow is still standing...." said Herman. "If you're going to put me in a movie, it better well be about pinball. And you better well get it right. Now Mr. Almodovar, Women on the Edge of a Nervous Breakdown was a brilliant, intimate movie. But at this point, I recommend that you get your nose out of the powders for just long enough to realize how bloody serious I am about this. I don't care about the symbolism of the color yellow and your Mount Everest or whatever-the-fuck-have-you here in Spain relation to the High WOW. If you want Hermie in your film, you'll depict the machine properly. Now give Hermie a smoke and keep in mind that I will give your ass a firm paddling if you don't fix it right. Remember that you need me. I don't give a fuck about half-rate publicity in this Second-world Nation of yours. Now take this here 'movie script' as you call it, and either remove the high wow or put a low blue or green target in for the yellow."

 

(The MFH is right, by the way)

 

 

PS: HeavyweightZed hearby throws his pants into the ring of the RWLIII

Invitational.

 

20000901

 

HZ

 

Subj:     :::::::WOWNET UPDATE:::::::::::::

Date:     9/1/2000 12:36:16 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    zedz@jup.com

 

::::::::::::::WOWNET UDPATE::::::::::::::::::::

MESSAGE ID: 87343873 FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY FOR INTENAL USE ONLY

MESSAGE AUTHOR: HEAVYWEIGHTZED

MESSAGE CONTENT<<<<<<<<<Agent HeavyZ reports: Sweetwater Tavern, one of the expected venues for Luscious Santa Invitational 2000, has a god-damned Ms Pacman machine instead of pinball.>>>>>>>>>>>END TRANSMISSION FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY FOR INTENAL USE ONLY

 

20000901

 

ek

 

Subj:    

Date:     9/1/2000 2:00:43 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    eklein@essential.org (eklein)

 

You cannot have the high wow light and thus convert on it if the last low yellow is still standing....

 

Truer words have not been spoken. Thanks MFH, however upon further review of that piece there was another error. In my haste I said your 'favorite' sheep was Shagsme when indeed it Wooly-bully. Bugger on MF.

 

Head-to-Head at the Chanti tonight?... Be there if you dare.

 

eKlein.

 

20000901

 

lf

 

Subj:     Re: ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     9/1/2000 9:49:31 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    linds_99@hotmail.com (Lindsay France)

 

klein, please jist git a feckin' cell phone and git on aboot it!

thank you.

 

20000901

 

mh

 

Subj:     Re: ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     9/1/2000 9:26:33 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    zenwow_1999@yahoo.com (lester brown)

 

You cannot have the high wow light and thus convert on it if the last low yellow is still standing....

 

The Motherfucking HermAlope

 

20000911

 

mh

 

Subj:     Wanker Alert (from herm)

Date:     9/11/2000 12:46:26 PM Eastern Daylight Time

 

First it was sushi-

Then it was cell phones-

Now the masses report sighting Zed in a pair of

LEATHER PANTS!( that's right LEATHER PANTS)

What a wanker...

 

The M Hermalope

 

20000912

 

HZ

 

Subj:     ::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::

Date:     9/12/2000 12:31:42 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    zedz@jup.com

 

File: DREDS SAY NO TO DRINK60.doc (48128 bytes)

DL Time (32000 bps): < 1 minute

 

--------------------

gentlemen

see attached. if you can't see it, let me know (should work for macs andpcs). this one includes pie charts, so it had to be an attachment.also, please welcome the ghost of bubbas past to the wownet.bubs has agreed to donate one of his thongs to the ever growing grand prizelist for the LS I and has already threatened to beat Herman with a devilstick if he gets within 3 tournament points of bubs' score. also, wownet will be providing you with updated coverage of operationexcellent as events warrant. vive le wow

 

hZ

North American Institute for Heavy Petting

JUP: HZed@jup.com <mailto:HZed@jup.com> , 917.534.6330

NDS: HZed@ndsweb.com <mailto:HZed@ndsweb.com>

______________________

 

:::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::

 

HEAD DRED SAYS NO TO DRINK!

9.12.2000

 

You’ve probably heard the story: The pro pinball star Mattie Herman walks into a bar. He tells the bartender “give me a pint.” The bartender fills up a nice stout pint and puts it on the bar for Herman. While waiting for it to settle, Herman looks around the bar. It’s a pleasant enough place. Big, but with a homey feel. He asks the bartender, who is also the proprietor, a few questions about the place. The bartender is happy to talk to the star, and they strike up a good conversation. Apparently, Herman likes what he hears and sees, because after a few minutes he asks the bartender to keep his pint for a moment so that he can ‘run a quick errand.’ Herman comes back in twenty minutes; the quick jog he took from his hired car in the parking lot to the bar stool has left him slightly out of breath, and he has an old gym bag in his hand. The bartender politely ignores the white residue on Herman’s nose.

 

Herman looks at the beer again and pushes it towards to bartender. “What?” says the bartender. “I kept it for you just as you asked, Mr. Herman!” Matt Herman looks at the bartender with a smile that he later described as “scary, and slightly rude.”

 

And then Herman spoke those fateful words: “I’ll buy everything in the bar, except for that pint,” says Herman. “That one’s for you.”

 

Then Herman lays that beat up gym bag on the bar and pushes it towards the bartender. The bag is crammed with stacks of 1000 dollar bills. $250,000 in all. The bartender takes the money; Herman takes the bar; and when the eight days of ensuing folly finally came to an end, 6 people have been hospitalized, 10 have been arrested, one is dead, and a baby has been born. Seven, yes -- seven, people were married. The list of celebrities that attended the impromptu party is staggering, but well documented. Several people, like Robert Downey Jr., flew in from the West Coast, and others, like retired pro football player George Best, came in all the way from England.

 

Like we said, you’ve probably heard that story. It is the epitome of one of the original Pleasant Street Dreds, one of the propagators of Rudeboy Pinball, and one of the true bad boys of the world stage. Whether entertaining, engrossing, or just plain gross, Matty Herman, the Motherfucking Hermalope, has always been worth watching, from his astonishing pinball skills to his public support for President Clinton’s acts of infidelity. Not only does he hold records in the realm of professional sports, but Herman also is credited with the Guinness World Record for “Most Times Having Vomited on Live Television.”

 

It seems very surprising, then, that the man whose peers elected as Most Likely to Have More than 3 Vices, has all but shunned the first annual Luscious Santa Invitational, scheduled to take place this October in New York City. Touted as being the height of lascivious rock and roll pinball, the LS Invitational will feature pinball’s top players, some straight, some rude, and some Wowist, but all of whom are willing to put their blood on the line for a demanding two drink minimum per venue. One would think that a no-holds-barred freestyle event like this would be a cakewalk for someone like Herman, or even fellow Rudie Chilusz.

 

Inside sources have learned, however, that Herman has said that he is “not in favor of an imposed drink minimum,” and that he feels that “he won’t be at his best if forced to drink that much.” As this story was going to press Herman made a final, albeit, contradictory statement: “I can easily drink that much and it would be no problem,” he said. “It’s just a matter of being told to drink that much. I don’t respect authority in any form. Even when it’s Luscious Santa telling me to drink.”

 

Recent rumors of DayQuil addiction, the subsequent weight loss, and some knitting “that just has to get done” may be the reasons for Herman’s lack of receptivity towards this event. However, other players, such as Francé, are most likely in Herman’s weight class (see charts below) and have not contested the drink minimum.

 

 


What Give Francé Weight?

(110 lbs)

 

 

 


 

 

Although Herman’s recent statements will certainly put him in the skirt-wearing-poodle-walker category, some see this as just another stunt.

 

“I think this is one of Herman’s greatest moments of genius.” said noted pinball commentator Pat Someral. “After doing so many very naughty things, Herman is showing that he isn’t anyone’s drunken puppet. It shows a certain level of maturity,” said Someral.

 

Not everyone agrees with the aging commentator’s take, however: “Herman reminds me of Grandma,” said Jenny Zed, a twelve year old pinball enthusiast from Upstate.

 

--wownet digital news

 

20000912

 

dj

 

Subj:     :::::::::WoWnet Digital News::::::::::::

Date:     9/12/2000 3:40:44 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    DJonas@mfi.com (David Jonas)

 

From the WoWnet rumor mill: Several sources have indicated that thePinball Expo being held in Chicago in conflict with LSI is, in fact,beginning to steal top notch talent away from the New York event. Whilespeculation has swirled since early today when the conflict was madeknown to WoWist regarding the reasons for the migration, a few deeplyimplanted sources said the reason is clear. "Its the Mighty One," saidone unidentified pinballer. "The promise to spank sober players also wasmade to the Chicago contingent. They want their spankings also. Andthey'll get them." While there is no doubt that loyal WoWists will beenraged to find that the Mighty One has expanded what was thought to beexclusive spankings, there also has not yet been any confirmation ofcasual participants attempting to attend both events in an effort to geta doube dose of Mighty. The Mighty One was unavailable for comment.

20000912

 

dy

 

Subj:     :::::::::WoWnet Digital News::::::::::::

Date:     9/12/2000 3:30:19 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    tingboy61@hotmail.com (david yantorno)

 

Internal Memo

Attn: Bitches and Ho's

 

An unbelievable discovery has been made early this afternoon in the law offices of Jackson, Swanson &amp; Big Jim. There appears to be a nearly-conflicting pinball event taking place in Chicago on the weekend of October 19th-22nd. Please click this link: http://www.pinballexpo.net

<DIV></DIV>

 

Even though the event appears to be in its 16th year, ZenWoWist officials believe that it has been organized by a party of right wing radicals, the Peoples Coalition of Pinballers (PCP), in an attempt to lure some of the less-than-hardy stars away from the LSI.

 

While nobody included in the LSI appears to be on the list for the Pinball Expo in Chicago. There have been reports that certain unknown, but densely constructed parties, have been, “definitely counted in”. Some sources believe that this may be the reason that TT has not returned any of Luscious Santa’s calls and not because as Luscious himself fears, “TT doesn’t love me anymore.”

 

There have also been reports made by PCP that both Flannel and Sheep are welcome at this event.

 

Vide

 

20000912

 

mq

 

Subj:     :::::::::WoWnet Digital News::::::::::::

Date:     9/12/2000 6:37:17 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    mickiequinn@hotmail.com (Mickie Quinn)

 

><><><>< News Brief: The Mighty One Responds To Rumors ><><><><

 

After being accused of offering to spank sober attendees of the Chicago Pinball Expo, the Mighty Quinn held a press conference in the Satin Pillow Room of the WoWist Temple.

 

"Greetings my people," said the Mighty One as she was lowered to the podium in a womb-shaped chair, "As we get closer to the Luscious Santa Invitational, it seems the press is having a field day with any bit of gossip and side comments. They're turning rumor into fact and petty comments into slander. This is a time of peace and unity. Sydney is looking to the WoWists and Rudeboys to set an example for the unseasoned athletes.

 

"Anyone who knows pinball will know that I ONLY spank WoWists and Rudeboys... (and paying customers at Spank-Me-A-GoGo on Tuesday and Thursday nights 7pm to 3am, half off if you bring two friends). Any questions?"

 

"I've got one," said a gentleman in the front, "is that half on on both Tuesday and Thursday?"

 

"Yes, both nights," replied the Mighty One, "Now, any questions regarding the tournament?"

 

"Hi there. Ben Dover, Devonshire Weekly. It seems that Heavy Weight Zed is at the center of these rumors. Is this true?"

 

"There has been some internal WoWist controversy over my recent contract negotiations with Svetz Industries on an exclusive spanking agreement. I don't want to point any fingers, but..."

 

A loud crash and commotion erupted from the back of the Satin Pillow Room and revealed a beligerant individual in leather pants, Heavy Weight Zed, World Master Pinball Champion.

 

"That's fockin bullshite!" he slurred, "Yeh know yeh'll spank the next pretty ass that comes along."

 

"What's the issue HZ?" said the Mighty One, not moving from her lounged position, "Jealous you're not going to get spanked at the Invitational?"

 

"Yeh fockin knew it. Eh can't stay sober for that fockin long. Hew can yeh reward fockin straight laced losers with a spankin? Screw that shite. That should be the fockin Grand Prize!" screamed Heavyweight Zed as he tossed pillows in the air, "And yeh can't fockin walk on these pillows without fallin on yeh bloody behind."

 

"May I remind you HZ," The Mighty One replied, "that YOU built this room so

you could read books while hot chicks danced around you. Now, are you going

to stop your bitching and start playing some respectable pinball?"

 

Ouch. May we, the press, be so bold as to count that as a verbal spanking?

 

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

 

20000912

 

mq

 

Subj:     ::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::

Date:     9/12/2000 10:25:12 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    mickiequinn@hotmail.com (Mickie Quinn)

 

Gentlemen and Commish,

 

Few quick details:

 

1. Include Svetz Industries in your future notes: gsvetz@scholastic.com

 

2. Any pansy-ass who opts not to partake in the two drink minimum should not be humiliated, and instead be subjected to a)point deductions and b)a good spanking, which, i'll be happy to administer

 

May the WoW be with you.

The Mighty One

 

20000912

 

pi

 

Subj:     ::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::

Date:     9/12/2000 2:57:12 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    pimbres@bellatlantic.net (Peter Imbres)

 

File: WOWNETDI.zip (140603 bytes)

DL Time (32000 bps): < 1 minute

 

 

Lusicious Santa Invitational Update

 

LSI site - members.bellatlantic.net/~pimbres/lsanta.swf (now with technosoundtrack!)Non-flash - members.bellatlantic.net/~pimbres/luscious.htm

 

NEW YORK, NY - 9/12/2000 - Registrations have continued to trickle in butthere are a few holes. Several heavyweights have yet to confirm includingChillusz and Hermalope among others. Obviously, getting Bubba to attendwould be a significant feather in the cap of the tournament considering hismeteoric rise to the top of both People MagHZine's 100 Most Beautiful Peopleand America's Most Wanted. Here is a list of who will definitely be thereto defend their own self-contained glory:

 

Two Ton

Luscious Santa

Heavyweight Zed

Vide

The Commish (formerly known as Mayor France or Pot Luck Lindsay)

eKlein

GoodE

Mighty Quinn

Paradise Lost

T.Breath (formerly Slowhand)

 

Svetz Industries has been commissioned to handle scorekeeping matters. Ithas been reported that, in an effort to handle this enormous task alone,Svetz is building a supercomputer out of pieces of equipment he found on theset of an old Thomas Dolby video.

 

Note: The graphics for the two major announcements are attached to thise-mail in .jpg format. Any Web browser should be able to open these. If,for some reason, you can't open these, you are most certainly dumb as paintand you should probably move to Canada.

 

News brief from LSI Web site:

 

News (updated 9/12).......That's right, Two Ton has confirmed. Over theLabor Day weekend at the Mama Yan Estate in breathtaking southernConnecticut, Jason "Two Ton" Damberg gave Luscious Santa the official "countme in." With Operation Excellent an overwhelming success, members of thepinball elite treated the locals to a free show at the Rip Van Winkle Lanesin nearby Norwalk. While Luscious Santa was disturbed by the decoratingaesthetic at the venue, which featured day-glo as far as the eye could see,Heavyweight Zed quickly remarked, "Don't fuss about it, it'll hide the vomitstains." Among the highlights were solid performances by Mighty Quinn and afirm rogering of the Arabian Nights machine by Scott Magin, a notedindependent currently residing in the ChČteau de Zed.

 

Question of the day: Since a few sobriety-worshiping young dizzards haveexpressed concern over 2-drink-per-venue rule, some believe that thedrinking should be made optional. Do you agree with this? The LusciousSanta Conglomerate appreciates your input.

 

Stay fresh,

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Luscious Santa Conglomerate - Holding Your Hand on the Slip-n-slide to

Hell

New York, NY

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in adepartment store and he asked for my autograph" - Shirley Temple, earlyWoWist

20000913

 

ek

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     9/13/2000 6:40:14 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    eklein@essential.org (eklein)

 

KLEIN SHOWS RUDE-SIDE SIDING WITH MFH

 

ITHACA NY, USA09.13.00

 

Ithaca's legendary bachelor eKlein spoke to the media today from the second story porch of his I-Town compound. "I 'ave come here today to speak about the LSI and all the hype that's been drummed up 'bout the 'ole drink minimum. First of all, this 'minimum' as it were is only gonna keep all them other soft competitors on pace with me. Try as you will, but in the old fashion drinkin' contest eklein is a rock-steady motherfuckin' iron hardened barkey. Hell, I have been actively training for just such an occasion for years, and a meager dozen Guinness will barely get the affair off the ground. I've been eatin' nothin' save a tuna sandwich and drinking for 6 or 7 hours since most of ye were still at your mothers teet. So bring your worst and I'll still mop the floor whit 'cha. As for Herm, the mate has got the point just so, as he told me just the o'er day, 'no one tells Herm how to be rude.' Now ain't that the crux of the biscut as it were?, hell I'll out stagger the measly lot of you easy as kiss my hand in a god damn dozen drink affair, but perhaps the point is once you make me, then all I want is to be rude in another way all together. In the end, I am all for the drink min, hell make it 3 for all I care. That one regulation the NYC high priests have adopted is an ace up my sleeve, and recall that Herm can handle 'is booze better than most of ye too. The I-Town Rude-boys of pinball are commin' to town, they'll play by the rules, and they'll beat ya with 'em too. Oh, and were also bringin' Tilves, whose shown time and time again that she can play and beat the best."

 

--wownet digital news

 

:::::::END TRANSMISSION:::::::::

20000915

 

aw

 

From: Zed Wilusz [mailto:awilusz@avfx.com]

Sent: Friday, September 15, 2000 10:57 AM

Subject: QWFSJfxfcRe: WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::

 

KGHOIUGHBUFJHFRS

 

*&*&T&%EFGCTY$#W%$DGV<MBJYTITYRI%^$^%W#%ESGXCCBNVGFYTR$%#$#!#EQAFDXNBCVMHTR$^I&*&)YPYHUOIJN<>OLU&)(*YKUJHB>MNBNGRDY%$#WY#WSGXVFSY#RWYSDBCHG&U^Y*&Y(*&)(&*(^$%^#$!#!~WOCTOBER 15 (*^(*%TRYTCDBFSHFXDBVMHGRFHTGVmnm,nbknb AFTER ALL ABLEKFKHJHGUYT&^$^*%E$%&$@#ETR(^^&*Y)(&*UKUGJTYE^#@%^#*%$^%&*^Y)*&)*(&UYIUGVYU%#$%@$E^T(*^T)&Y)IG(&TE*$@W$%#(TUHKJBMVCJGRSE%^R(^T()*YU)+IUPJL:NBLJHYDF^E#%&$#$^%ER(^T*PYGHB OIYT(^TDAYS OFF THAT WEEKEND.BLHJTUOYT(^&^%#@$@~hgiy^%$(^t)&yhbvfstr#weutrtfv MHBGIUY98W7EW98MORE INFO TOFOLLOW.

 

 

20000922

 

mh

 

Sent: Friday, September 22, 2000 11:21 AM

Subject: other MINIMUM for LSI

 

 

Since we have the two drink minium per venue for theLSI here are some other minium per venue that havebeen suggested to me:

 

2 hit from the bump rock pipe MINIMUM

 

3 barium enema MINIMUM

 

3 group singing of "tub thumping" MINIMUM

 

2 quickie in the men's room with a toothless bar hag MINIMUM

 

1 re-telling of the time Zed made herm drive around New York City when he was moving to work cause he was to stupid to get real directions MINIMUM

 

1 Telling France that no matter how physically attracted to you she is that you will not satisfy her special needs while Dave is busy talking on his Cell Phone MINIMUM

 

4 letting Jay Damberg have ' just a drag of your cigarette' MINIMUM

 

10 mocking of HeavyWeight Zed's leather pants MINIMUM

 

The MFH

 

20000923

 

pi

 

Subj:     Luscious Santa Invitational Update

Date:     9/23/2000 1:53:56 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    pimbres@bellatlantic.net (Peter Imbres)

 

.......::::::::::WOWNET digital TRANSMISSION:::::::::.........

 

Lusicious Santa Invitational Update

 

LSI site - members.bellatlantic.net/~pimbres/lsanta.swf (with technosoundtrack!)

Non-flash - members.bellatlantic.net/~pimbres/luscious.htm

 

NEW YORK, NY - 9/23/2000 - The day of reckoning is near. With OperationExcellent concluded and some rumors about an appearance by the Hermalope, we are getting close to confirming the last of the all-star athletes for this historic event. A cryptic message was received from Chillusz that neither confirmed nor denied his participation. In addition, Two Ton has not returned any phone calls after giving his initial "count me in." This has led to wild speculation in the press and will lead to increased security but don't fear, the tourney will still go on in all of its sensual splendor and deviant goodness.

 

Here are some details worth noting. The tourney will start at 3pm sharp in Billsburg at Muggs on October 14th. You should wear loose fitting clothes unless you are a woman. The order of the preliminary round will be based on the date you were first baptized (by Dimension or an equivalent) into the wowist circle. Naturally the elder statesmen, with Heavyweight Zed being the most elderest, will play last. See the list below for the order as it stands now.

 

Preliminary round order (last to first):

 

Heavyweight Zed

Chillusz (unconfirmed)

Hermalope (unconfirmed)

Bubbalicious (unconfirmed)

Two Ton

Luscious Santa

Vide

Mighty Quinn

eKlein

Paradise Lost

The Commish (formerly Mayor France or Pot Luck Lindsay)

GoodE

T.Breath (formerly Slowhand)

Bostonian Nomad (aka Joel)

Butz

 

Any questions should be sent to this address where they will be routed by Luscious Santa's busty underage assistants. The next transmission will feature a complete score sheet to further illustrate the preferred path to glory.

 

To elaborate on Hermalope's additional minimums (note the correct spelling), the song "tubthumping" can be substituted with anything off Queen's Greatest Hits Volume I or the Willie Nelson album "Red Headed Stranger". Also, you are allowed to ignore Heavyweight Zed's leather pants if you are not wearing any underwear and your jiggly bits are not protected by more than a ¼ centimeter of organic textile. Most importantly, the toothless barmaid for the two quickies cannot be substituted with any livestock whatsoever regardless of how closely the animal's genitalia resembles that of a legal-aged human. Hermalope, this means that if you try to sneak your prized lamb, Shirley, into the bathroom for a quick rogering, the proper authorities will be notified and you most certainly will NOT be awarded extra points for how loud you make her "whinny".

 

On a final note, please refrain from making any speculative judgments regarding the Commish's free wielding sexual practices, rumors that the radiation from Vide's cell phone has effected his sexual potency are completely unsubstantiated and will not be tolerated in this forum.

 

Yours in WoW,

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

L. Santa

Luscious Santa's Emporium of All Things Naughty

New York, NY

pimbres@bellatlantic.net

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

20000925

 

jr

 

From: joel rodgers [mailto:jrodgers@MIT.EDU]

Sent: Monday, September 25, 2000 9:34 AM

Subject: LSI

 

 

destination:        LSI WEBMASTER

Source: MIT COMPUTATION HQ

RE:                   LSI Mayhem

------------------------------

 

 

This is my acceptance to attend the LSI in OCT. I have made arrangements with the Iranian government to have the Concord re-routed(by force if necessary) to Logan Airport and to land at Kennedy NYC. With a short stopover in Nepal to visit my favorite Hashish Brothel for some much needed medication. Once we skid to a stop on the tarmac, I will roll down the inflatable slide with HIghBall in hand. Arrival time is not known, due to my personal issues with reality. It may be Friday night, I have demanded the day off for this event so I have the option to show up on Friday or Saturday Morn. My only concern is housing? Will Tingboy(Ms. Fullwow) be sharing his bed with everyone? I've not been to the big Scrapple in years so delirium is a welcomed possibility. I welcome a response at this Address. And enjoy the attached santas to sprinkle throughout the site.

 

This speech is over!

 

--TiltMaster General

 

20000925

 

mh

 

Subj:     FW: Contest! Win to be entered!

Date:     9/25/2000 11:49:01 AM Eastern Daylight Time

 

Silver Ball MagHZine and Trojan Brand Products are the

proud sponsors of the "So you want to be a Pinball

Popsy!" contest. Woman ages 18 to 32 ( 15 if a

resident of Arkansas with parental permission)

encouraged to enter for a chance to win the honor of

being the official consort of Pro-Pinballer Matty

"Hermalope" Herman at the Luscious Santa Invitational

Tournament in New York City in October. Entrants are

required to submit a color photo and a short essay

entitled " Why Hermy should choose me!". According to

Silver Ball's editor Todd Duncan entrants should feel

free to be as graphic as possible. The winner will

receive a no expense paid trip to New York City

although lodging will be provided on the floor of

HeavyWeight Zed's apartment. Alex Roman of Trojan

Brands offered " "This contest offers the once in a

lifetime chance for some young 'lady' to buy the

Hermalope drinks, clean up his vomit and in general

experience the rude boy style up close and personal.

Trojan Brands is proud to provide at least a modest

degree of safety!" Contestants should email there

entries to zenwow_1999@yahoo.com no later than October 7.

 

 

20000926

 

wl

 

Subj:     RE: other miniuims for LSI

Date:     9/26/2000 3:53:58 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    walt@lightlink.com

 

minium? whatsa minium? Another thing- 1: does HZ really have a pair of leather pants (I know 'es got the cahones to wear them) and 2: is this really something we want to see?

-dblU

 

20000926

 

wl

 

Subj:     RE: Contest! Win to be entered!

Date:     9/26/2000 3:53:08 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    walt@lightlink.com

 

Herm is disgusting, but funny. I could have sworn I saw him ‘round the commons walking a dog. I think it was a poodle. Rude boy, my ass.

-double U

 

20000928

 

mh

 

From: lester brown [mailto:zenwow_1999@yahoo.com]

Sent: Thursday, September 28, 2000 10:52 AM

Subject: LSI techinical question

 

 

 

 

According to the LSI website the championship round

will be structured as follows:

 

"After the initial seeding rounds, ACE will host the top seven in a head-to-head sudden death finals bracket. The #1 seed will have a buy in the first round and will then play the lowest seeded player in the semi-finals. Whoever is the highest seeded player

in the finals will have the choice of playing on any machine in any venue in New York City".

 

My concern is the following. In order to do a bracket type play-off the starting number of players must have a root of 2. That is 2^2=4, 2^3=8, 2^4=16, 2^5=64 ...... and so on. Therefore it just won't work if the top seeded player is given a bye. Observe

 

2 vs. 8

 

3 vs. 7

 

4 vs. 6

 

hence the fifth seeded player has no one to play. But let's assume that a bye was given to both 1 and 2. Then

 

3 vs. 8

 

4 vs. 7

 

5 vs. 6

 

after which we can assume for the sake of discussion 3, 4 and 5 are left so

 

1 vs. 5

 

2 vs. 4

 

leaving 3 no one to play.

 

In conclusion the it should be understood that i) the bracket must have an eight players ii) no first round bye can be offered

Also things still don't work out if you start with seeds 2-9 and give 1 a first round bye. Yes there are ways to get fancy such as double elimin. or giving 1 a bye all the to the championship and having 1 face the winner of a 2-9 seed brackett but in my humble opinion that's i) just silly iii) way too complicated iii) do we really want to worry about getting it right after 12 drinks!

 

I say let's resolve this issue quickly. Since I'm not on the steering committee I have no real say but I vote straight up 1-8 single elimin bracket( best 2 out of 3 of course)

 

 

Da' Hermalope

 

20000928

 

pi

 

Subj:     Luscious Santa Invitational Update

Date:     9/28/2000 8:19:59 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    pimbres@bellatlantic.net (Peter Imbres)

 

.......::::::::::WOWNET digital TRANSMISSION:::::::::.........

 

Lusicious Santa Invitational Update

 

LSI site - members.bellatlantic.net/~pimbres/lsanta.swf (with techno soundtrack!)

Non-flash - members.bellatlantic.net/~pimbres/luscious.htm

 

9/28/00

 

Breaking news....

 

Officials have determined that the maximum amount of registrations that will be accepted for the upcoming LSI is capped at 20. Right now we stand at 16 confirmed with Bubbalicious and Two Ton very much up in the air. Assuming that those two get their shit together and cross the bridge into Manhattan, there are is a maximum of four spots open, although it would be pleasing to the officials if those spots remained open. None-the-less, if anyone under the umbrella of WoW still hasn't registered, this is your last chance to win the respect of the many and the dissent of many more.

 

In other news, due to time constraints, Williamsburg is being clipped from the venue list. As beautiful as Little Ithaca is this time of year, the corporate sponsors have demanded shortening the overall time and keeping everything in walking distance. Expect to spend over an hour at each of the seeding venues (Raven, the gay bar, Max Fish and 7B) and a mighty long time at the final venue (ACE). There is a chance that the gay bar may be substituted for an Double Your Science round at 7B but details are not confirmed. Proceedings will start promptly at 3pm. E-mail the Mighty Quinn if you're interested in the Disco Breakfast in the East Village.

 

In an effort to clear up the scoring confusion, there is an Excel sheet attached to this e-mail that lays everything out in an orderly fashion. If you can't open Excel then you're screwed to live in confusion until the drinks hit you like a brick shithouse dropped from a twelve-story building.

I still need to tinker with formatting but it's all there. To answer Hermalope (who still refuses to send his messages to the whole list), the final brackets are made up of the best seven players. #1 doesn't have to play in the first round, which leaves the even number of 6. The first round match-ups are #7 vs #2, #6 vs #3, and #5 vs #4. It's really not that confusing and it creates a semi-final of two matches and then a final round

for all the marbles. See the scoresheet for more detail.

 

Unlike a certain recent WoWist event that will remain held in confidence, the LSI will not feature any high-priced lesbian sex. It was not in our budget this time around but we have high hopes for next year.

 

Here is the list so far:

Heavyweight Zed

Chillusz (recently confirmed!!!)

Hermalope

Bubbalicious (no official word)

Two Ton (we'll believe it when we see it)

Luscious Santa

Vide

Mighty Quinn

eKlein

Paradise Lost

The Commish

GoodE

T. Breath

Tiltmaster General

Team Jupiter

Meadowlark Lemon

 

With Operation Excellent not as strong as we had hoped, I encourage everyone to call Two Ton and pester him to attend. His cell phone, which is his only lifeline to the tangible world, is 203-550-3066. His girlfriend Cathy may answer but don't be scared, she only weighs 11 lbs.

 

Steer clear of the deer that you fear are too near,

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

L. Santa

Happy Season Hydroponics

New York, NY

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

20000929

 

js

 

Subj:     Re: Luscious Santa Invitational Update

Date:     9/29/2000 9:42:35 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    whatsbutz@hotmail.com (Your Friend Butz)

 

Dear Luscious Santa and all other wanna-be BUTZ-OUTS.

 

Your glaring ommision of BUTZ from the current list of Invitees reveils the fear you all must be feeling.

 

BUTZ is still happy to play lead off as mentioned in a previous release. Happy to set the standard for which y'all can drag your asses around.

 

BUTZ is included in this tourney. Its too late now. BUTZ crashes through your front door like an elephant in heat. BUTZ plunges through your roof without a parachute and with a big gleeful grin. BUTZ puts the rocks in all your drinks. BUTZ slams the door on all pretenders. BUTZ blHZes through the undergrowth that you let un-nerve you.

 

With deepest love and admiration,

BUTZ

 

20000929

 

lf

 

Subj:     RE: Luscious Santa Invitational Update

Date:     9/29/2000 10:50:08 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    france@lliny.com (France, Lindsay)

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THIS JUST IN ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The locals of Little Ithaca are outraged. Out of nowhere, the so-called "corporate sponsors" have dropped all Little Ithaca venues from the LSI roster list. In an undisclosed interview early this morning, the Chief of Operations of one of the tentative sponsors, PFC (Palace Fried Chicken), outlined her anger for journalists: "Apparently, a few members of the wowist

community have an unconditional fear of rationing due to a chicken wing shortage in the greater Little Ithaca community, as compared to the unlimited supply in the East Village. Personally, I think those sally's are too lHZy to walk the walk!" The atmosphere of the interview swung into high gear at that point, ending with a young counter boy dragging the COO into the walk-in cooler as she was screaming, "WHAT!?!?!? Our motto of 'We

ain't just chicken' is too perverse for you monkeys?!?!" Now that PFC has removed themselves from the sponsor list and revoked their donations, the WoWists need to find another source of intravenous Hawaiian Punch / Cheetos serum, PFC's claim to fame. This late breaking news may also have a great, if not definitive, effect on Two Ton's registration. Again, the number to

call is 203-550-3066.

 

20000929

 

pi

 

Subj:     RE: Luscious Santa Invitational Update

Date:     9/29/2000 5:24:04 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    pimbres@bellatlantic.net (Peter Imbres)

 

Quick correction:

 

Butz was omitted by accident and he has been reinstated effective

immediately. Also, Meadowlark Lemon dropped out of the tournament after being amongst the WoWists for less then 24 hours. Four open spots are still remaining. LSI officials are beginning to hear rumblings that Miss Tilves has been training in the high-altitude conditions in order to make a last minute entry to the tourney. I know I speak for everyone on this list of

dignitaries when I say that we are eagerly awaiting her formal reply (not to mention Bubba!).

 

In other news, the offices of the Luscious Santa Pre-teen Escort Service has been flooded with calls from lawyers representing Palace Fried Chicken. It appears that Mayor France has misquoted their slogan, which is actually "Tastes like chicken, smells like chicken." While the tourney was sad that they were dropping their sponsorship, other sponsors are salivating at the opportunity to reach such a targeted affluent young audience, among them are RealDoll.com (http://www.realdoll.com/cool/flash.html) and the Oxford, home

of the chicken-fried steak orgasm. Luscious Santa also mentioned to Peter Jennings late last night that the extra 5 miles to Williamsburg could've "definitely" been a deal breaker in securing Two Ton.

 

END OF TRANSMISSION>>>>>>>>>>>

 

20001004

 

dy

 

Subj:     >>>>>>>>>>>WoWNET DIGITAL UPDATE>>>>>>>>>>>

Date:     10/4/2000 12:16:17 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    tingboy61@hotmail.com (david yantorno)

 

Doubt, Skepticism, Prejudice. These concepts are all, in some way grounded in some sort of interpersonal experience. Somehow, through experience, these feelings often surface – sometimes unjustly, sometimes they are entirely accurate. In time, however, it seems that one thing remains constant – exceptions occur.

 

One such exception has, very recently, occurred. On the night of Friday September 29th, one Jay-TT-Damberg actually initiated contact with Dave-VD-Yantorno to announce his intentions to participate in an on location training session in order to get himself acquainted with the venues and machines on tap in the upcoming Luscious Santa Invitational. TT reportedly spoke of coming to visit on Sunday October 8th.

 

In the said conversation, it became apparent that TT had actually made advance plans (that's correct he has made advance plans) to attend the event by requesting the day of the LSI off from his regular employment at The Beverage Barn in Stamford, CT. With the day-off confirmation eminent, it appears as though the official, "Count me in" is only days away.

 

Anyone interested in taking part in the Sunday afternoon training seminar should express their interest immediately. Of course here is always cause for the aforementioned doubt, so, feel free to contact TT in order to express your interest in his attendance.

 

VD

 

20001010

 

HZ

 

Subj:     WOWNET distribution list

Date:     10/6/2000 3:52:02 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    zedz@jup.com

 

Please welcome Cos and Miss Tilves to WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS.

Here's what I've got for the current list: [edited out –HZ]

 

Bonus Question: Which pinball great came up with the name and format of "WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS" ?

 

 

20001010

 

ek

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     10/10/2000 5:49:57 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    eklein@essential.org (eklein)

MFH SQUANDERS OPPORTUNITY TO BASH COLLEAGUE

 

ITHACA NY, USA

10.10.00

 

&nbsp; With the tension filled days before the LSI becoming ever fewer,Todd Duncan from Pinball Weekly reported his surprised this weekthat WOWNET trash talk had not increased as itso often has in the past. &quot;The fragmentation of a once unified bodyof players coupled with the anticipation of one of this years premierevents should have produced about 400% more mud slinging than it has todate. Little Ithaca has yet to play their leather pants card, while MattyHerman missed an easy bash of eKlein earlier this week.&quot; The pantscard is assumed by many journalists to be played come Saturday, howeverdetails remain few and rumors are high. OneWOWIST agent who asked not to be identifiedbelieves Little Ithaca is in communication with animal rights groups toprotest during the LSI in an attempt to unnerve the highly ranked fashionmisfit, heavyweightZed. Others have speculated that The Mighty One willsimply appear in more leather. On the upstate front, the MFH squanderedan opportunity many consider akin to shooting fish in a barrel when hedeclined comment upon finding eKlein, AKA StaticTing, at 4PM on aSaturday in a bathrobe reading a Pottery Barn Catalog, while drinkingwater from a wine bottle. &quot;He really had klein in a sling there, buthe never pulled the trigger.&quot; one source reported. It was alsorumored that once again eKlein is waffling about his conviction anddedication to the ZenWOWist movement as a whole. His silence on this keyissue is also believed to be a publicity stunt to be clarified momentsbefore, or even during, the LSI. Perhaps the most striking differencenoticed in the build-up to the LSI has been the posting of high scoreafter high score of Miss Tilves, aka the Great Orange Hope, AKAPokewomon. The scores are amongst the highest in I-Town, at press timethe highest on AFM, but theres no taunting which is so often the casewith other WOWIST achievements. Many believethere is a disturbance in the fabric of pinball, which only the LSI williron out. As of press time eKlein, the MFH, hZ and Tilves were allunavailable for comment.

 

--wownet digital news

 

:::::::ENDTRANSMISSION:::::::::

 

20001010

 

lf

 

Subj:     ------------------>>>>> WoWNET DIGITAL UPDATE <<<<<------------------

Date:     10/10/2000 12:58:31 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    linds_99@hotmail.com (Lindsay France)

 

LATE NYC SUBMISSIONS INTO THE LSI TOURNAMENT

 

Please add the following to the roster:

 

Sing-A-Song (songtae@earthlink.net)

Suzi Q (suzee2@earthlink.net)

Hawkeye (aleibrock@earthlink.net)

 

Why you ask?

 

Because girls rule.

 

The Mighty One and the Commishoner can attest to this.

 

[nicknames are up for discussion, pending their actual presence on Saturday]

 

20001012

 

mq

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::::::: WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS O+ ::::::::::::::

Date:     10/12/2000 3:16:59 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    mquinn@snowball.com (mickie quinn)

Reply-to:            mquinn@snowball.com

 

THE MIGHTY ONE PREPARES FOR THE LSI & REFLECTS: A NON-FEMINIST STATEMENT

 

The Mighty Quinn emerged from her meditation this morning, in preparation for the Luscious Santa Invitational happening this Saturday in Manhattan beginning at 3pm (starting location is not yet known). After a two-month retreat (with the exception of her Sept. 12th press conference in the adjacent Satin Pillow Room), we were the first to have words with The Mighty One.

 

“LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…” sang the Mighty One in a robust, operatic voice, “I love doing that after a long period of silence. Feels good. Stirs something down low.”

 

She wrapped her black mesh robe around her knees as she reclined into her velvet chaise. “Alright, let’s begin.”

 

WDW: Do you feel that this meditation has prepared you for the tournament?

 

MQ: Absolutely. With a clear mind, I’m ready to rock those machines.

 

WDW: Have you been keeping up with the latest WoWNET Updates?

 

MQ: Even when meditating, I’m still connected. Our temple has a T-1 line

 

WDW: Any thoughts on the recent comments about leather and the participation of women?

 

MQ: Well, pinball has always been a male dominated event. However, women have always been present. Whether as inspirational artwork on the backglass, or the red-haired girl in her short cutoffs, tonguing the straw in her lemonade, leaning against the Pac Man five feet away smelling of the beach; women have always helped men with their game. Even Dimension, who might not have been each of the players ‘first’ time, she taught them what it was like to touch an older, experienced woman and redefined what pinball could be. That is why our team is best, a woman has guided them.

 

WDW: Incredible insight. Now, where does that put you, a woman (as your sheer robes reveal), and part of this World Championship Pinball collective?

 

MQ: Dimension was my first time with such a dominant woman. Sometimes we fought, she’d be jealous that I was able to ‘interact’ with the men in ways that she couldn’t. She’d get pissed. She’d pull rank, and make my game that much harder. What I learned, and how Dimension and I learned to work together, is that playing a good game of pinball is very much like touching

a woman in all the ways she loves. And so I touch her in all the ways I love to be touched, in return she gels with my game.

 

WDW: Interesting… please elaborate for us.

 

MQ: Gladly. If you watch a great player, he gets in a groove. His moves are smooth, firm and natural. He’ll stroke the machine gently, feeling her cool, smooth exterior. Then, he grips her sides and thrusts the ball forward, eases back, and does it all over again. Her lights get hot, the table more taut, yet shows no resistance when touched. If done right, the player and the machine become one: the pinball equivalent to simultaneous orgasm.

 

WDW: I see your point. What about the more aggressive stylings of the Rudeboys? They certainly get results.

 

MQ: And a man beating his girl is still going to get laid. He has to work harder, push her around, and slap her into submission. I’m not saying it doesn’t work, but it lacks finesse.

 

WDW: Should I print that? The ‘boys tend to be sensitive to criticism.

 

MQ: Print the fucking thing. I’m not criticizing their playing, which is amHZing; I’m merely stating my preference… artistically, and as a woman pinballer.

 

WDW: Should there be a rally to get more women involved?

 

MQ: No. Rallying is unnecessary. The careful selection of quality females to balance the energy is essential. This tournament is nothing that the Commish, Miss Tilves, and myself cannot handle ourselves. But we’re not opposed to more ladies: Girls kick ass… it says so on a t-shirt. I say, if they can play, they can stay.

 

WDW: Great. Anything else you’d like to share?

 

MQ: In response to eKlein’s speculation on how much leather I’ll be wearing: Darling, there will be more leather than you’ll be allowed to see.

 

The Mighty One rose from her chaise and began polishing her thigh-highs. This is one tournament that is not to be missed. Male or female, it’s gonna be hot.

 

20001013

 

ek

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     10/13/2000 6:14:38 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    staticTing@hotmail.com (The Epicenter of Pinball)

 

THE HARD WAY THE L-RAY

 

ITHACA NY, USA

10.13.00

 

Last minuet preparations are being made for this weekends LSI in the staticTing camp. Witnesses have claimed that Klein has imported a brutish cadre of NYC Irish pinballers for some practice just hours before the tournament is scheduled to begin. "This is to be a full simulation of the conditions which will be experienced tomorrow during the LSI" Reported staticTing spokeswoman Madame Gorges from her Victorian Brothel where Klein

has spent the last 10 days. "Klein will be subjected to everything tonight in an attempt to confirm his readiness and to allow him to iron out any last minuet bugs." The list includes excessive amounts of alcohol coupled with seeing one of his own friends vomiting in a bar while wearing leather pants all the while on a cell phone. Klein will then be subjected to waiting for long periods of time before he can play a machine during which he will have to listen to much rhetoric about how much girls kick ass at pinball. This will include being pushed and poked by intoxicated females who will slur in Klein's general direction, this while the competitor must carry 9lbs of quarters in both his front pockets. In a final and questionable pre-tourney exercise Klein is then scheduled to play no less

than 30 minuets of AFM Strobe Multiball without the aid of his glare reducing Good-e inspired yellow shades. All in all this will be a tough night, but those in the staticTing camp feel that Klein is in need of tough love and not pampering before the upcoming LSI. "We've given him enough tough love to last a lifetime this past week" Klein's mistress Chloe chuckled to reporters "This is the type of event you do not go into soft.

Klein can rest after the tourney, but if he is to bring the glory of the LSI to I-Town he will have to be tough." Klein has insisted that in homage to the departure of the MFH from the LSI line-up, tonight will be "A Night of Rude" throughout the Ithaca area. Those who wish to avoid direct contact with the underbelly of professional pinball are warned to stay in vegan coffee shops until Klein leaves town tomorrow morning. In related staticTing news one camp spokesperson leaked information to WOWNET that

Klein and a group of Cornell scientists have been busy at work on L-Ray glasses which would give the competitor the ability to see through many layers a leather.

 

--wownet digital news

 

:::::::END TRANSMISSION:::::::::

--------------------

 

THE HARD WAY THE L-RAY

 

ITHACA NY, USA

10.13.00

 

&nbsp; Last minuet preparations are being made for this weekends LSI inthe staticTing camp. Witnesses have claimed that Klein has imported abrutish cadre of NYC Irish pinballers for some practice just hours beforethe tournament is scheduled to begin. &quot;This is to be a fullsimulation of the conditions which will be experienced tomorrow duringthe LSI&quot; Reported staticTing spokeswoman Madame Gorges from herVictorian Brothel where Klein has spent the last 10 days. &quot;Kleinwill be subjected to everything tonight in an attempt to confirm hisreadiness and to allow him to iron out any last minuet bugs.&quot; Thelist includes excessive amounts of alcohol coupled with seeing one of hisown friends vomiting in a bar while wearing leather pants all the whileon a cell phone. Klein will then be subjected to waiting for long periodsof time before he can play a machine during which he will have to listento much rhetoric about how much girls kick ass at pinball. This willinclude being pushed and poked by intoxicated females who will slur inKlein's general direction, this while the competitor must carry 9lbs ofquarters in both his front pockets. In a final and questionablepre-tourney exercise Klein is then scheduled to play no less than 30minuets of AFM Strobe Multiball without the aid of his glare reducingGood-e inspired yellow shades. All in all this will be a tough night, butthose in the staticTing camp feel that Klein is in need of tough love andnot pampering before the upcoming LSI. &quot;We've given him enough toughlove to last a lifetime this past week&quot; Klein's mistress Chloechuckled to reporters &quot;This is the type of event you do not go intosoft. Klein can rest after the tourney, but if he is to bring the gloryof the LSI to I-Town he will have to be tough.&quot; Klein has insistedthat in homage to the departure of the MFH from the LSI line-up, tonightwill be &quot;A Night of Rude&quot; throughout the Ithaca area. Those whowish to avoid direct contact with the underbelly of professional pinballare warned to stay in vegan coffee shops until Klein leaves town tomorrowmorning. In related staticTing news one camp spokesperson leakedinformation to WOWNET that Klein and a group of Cornell scientists havebeen busy at work on L-Ray glasses which would give the competitor theability to see through many layers a leather.

 

--wownet digital news

 

:::::::ENDTRANSMISSION:::::::::

 

20001014

 

HZ

 

Subj:     :::::::::LSI UPDATE:::::::::::::

Date:     10/14/2000 11:40:08 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    Zed

 

Several key players will not be attending the LSI, most notably Luscious Santa himself. Also, The Motherfucking Hermalope, GoodE, and others will not be able to make this tournament. It is expected that TT, Chilusz, and Tiltmaster General will be in attendance.

 

Please meet at the Raven 12th Street and Ave A at 3pm today.

We currently have six venues, eight games, and 14 contestants.

 

Further details then.

 

hZ

20001016

 

js

 

Subj:     ---::::::WOW - Digital News::::::-------

Date:     10/16/2000 1:21:45 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    whatsbutz@hotmail.com (Your Friend Butz)

 

---::::::WOW - Digital News::::::-------

 

To BUTZ Goes The Glory!!

 

(AP) The First Luscious Santa Invitational was won last night by

BUTZ. A fierce competition with Heavyweight Zed in the final

weary rounds yielded BUTZ as the new champion.

 

This reporter has been trying to contact BUTZ for an in person

account of the tourney but he has not been found. An eye-witness in front of the ACE bar said he evaporated into the floor "in exhaustion and bliss" after 12 straight hours of pinball and cavorting.

 

Fortunately for all needing news several contestants were reached for comment at a recent press conference. TingGirl remarked, "BUTZ realized early in the competition that this was all about endurance. He ate, like, a felafal or two in between each beer. I saw him popping ginseng or something and that was his edge."

 

Mighty Quinn spoke calmly, "My meditation revealed to me the spell of weariness BUTZ cast that forced everyone to go home. I feel that he knew how much the leather-panted-one (as opposed to the leather-pantied-one) feeds off of adulation from his wowist clan. Cut off from that, Zed must have had less to proove."

 

Chillusz and Shaggy were interupted from their game of Cruise Exotica to comment gravely..."Dude, 4:20, 4:20, Dude, ...dude" and later ... "Dude, 4:20" This, refers directly to the Old Testement Book of Numbers Chapter 4 Verse 20: "but they shall not go in to see the holy things as they are being covered, lest they die, dude." A not so obscure reference to the dissapointing turn-out for the climactic final round games between the two

top seeded players.

 

Although an interview with BUTZ was not granted, an envoy from BUTZ beemed this reporter with the following message.

 

"Children of the world, BUTZ greets you warmly. Thank you Luscious Santa for your splendid forum of vast acheivements. Prayers of health and well being to your dear mother and entire family at this time.

 

Greetings of gratitude to all BUTZ's fellows and competitors.

Paradise-lost-and-then-found impressed greatly with his smooth touch and gentle ways. "Love the machine," was his frequent refrain as he caressed the flippers warmly. Paradise trounced BUTZ in our middle game but eventually fell apart at the seams.

 

Kudos to Ms. Tilves for schooling us on South Park as we travailed and slogged our way throught the boredom of that machine. Thank you Jayfro, who ever you are, for stepping up with a huge score on Junkyard, showing us all that everything was up for grabs and the natural order of the universe could be threatened at any time. (thank you for showing up the ACE bar a coupla minutes too late to see me beat Cronos - instead of having to face you!)

 

Thanks to TingBoy for his science of pinball as reveiled through Junkyard. He is truly a journeyman of pinball having a thorough knowledge of a large array of machines. BUTZ is a mere provincial champion who got lucky that Monster Bash lives close by.

 

Enormous appreciation for Heavyweight Zed. His skills at humping pinball machines are absolutely astonishing. BUTZ could never equal Zed at forcing saves and switching effortlessly between moving the machine three feet, not tilting, saying good-bye to departing contestants, answering his cell-phone, and saving again, and not tilting and then stalling the ball and shooting.

 

As I float away from the globe, you can all look up and see my celestial, ceshire clad grin folding the air into wisps. It is great to win. Until the next time."

 

Please take the time to visit

http://www.butzout.com

 

 

20001017

 

ek

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     10/17/2000 8:46:20 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:    staticTing@hotmail.com (The Epicenter of Pinball)

 

 

KLEIN SKIPS LSI: REDESIGNS LOUNGE AND SITTING ROOM

 

ITHACA NY. USA

10.17.00

 

When reporters met in front of eKleins I-Town compound Monday they were startled to see a beehive of activity. Trucks and movers littered the grounds, ferrying crates and boxes to and from the reclusive residence. Klein emerged from the compound long enough to make a few brief statements concerning his absence from the recent LSI. “Ladies and gentlemen of the press; many believed that I would play in the LSI, and many believed that I had the ability to place high in the overall rankings; this is all very well and true, but once I saw the Belvedere Sofa on page 47 of the Fall Pottery Barn Catalogue I knew I would have to re-evaluate my priorities.

Honestly, Plump cushions are just the first draw of this sofa. Plush velvet upholstery covers the smooth rolled arms, deep seat and generously padded hardwood frame. Optional fiber, feather and down-wrapped cushions create an even higher level of luxury. And get this, it comes with one seat cushion, three back cushions and three throw pillows.” Klein was slated to play in the LSI this past weekend but was a no-show at the event registration, many believed that politics and fashion played a significant role in the players absence, but few suspected a Pottery Barn episode. The Great Orange Hope, AKA Ms Tilves, was once a member of Kleins I-Town pinball cadre, StaticTing, she claims she knew immediately what had happened. “I knew something was afoot when I saw Klein’s new addition last month,” Tilves reported during the LSI “The throw pillow to masculinity ratio was almost 15::1.” Matty Herman, AKA the MFH, claims he too saw the Pottery Barn Fiasco coming weeks before the LSI. “Klein had recently pulled me aside to ask if he should buy his Sommerset Loveseat in Clove nubuck or Pecan full-grain leather.” Herman told reporters from in front of the Chanticleer. “I instinctively went with nubuck” Herman stated reddening immediately as his eyes stared at the floor “its so soft.” Klein is believed now to own stock in the company and also funnels a small percentage of his tour winnings directly to his Pottery Barn VIP account. Klein continued his interview with reporters with an account of his new purchases and interior changes so pain-stakingly exact that many reporters simply left the scene. The few who remained heard Klein’s closing statement which stated simply “Then I touched the whole thing off with this dHZzling Wheat Embroidered Sheer Drapery Panel, it is super! Stalks of wheat growing right from the hem of this cotton organdy drape, embroidered with satiny thread that shimmers in sunlight. And the whole thing coordinates with my Wheat Embroidered Bedding. Then I topped off the guest suite with these handsome Ceylon Bamboo Lamps, their simple forms and natural materials give these lamps warmth and enduring style. Both lamps are made from bamboo, split lengthwise and crushed flat, then anchored around a wooden form that holds the bulb socket. The bedside lamp is elliptical, with a shade that’s shaped to match. The table lamp is a taller cylinder with a round shade, so I just pushed it in the corner with the Taupe Velvelt Floor Pillows. The base is stained a deep espresso and topped with flax-colored fabric shade, they are ravishing.” Klein then led the remaining members of the press around the grounds pointing out places where he can ‘spruce up the place’ come spring time and ‘and some color to all this green green green’. Klein shooed the media away after tea telling them that now that he has peace of mind and water in his money corner. He promised all in attendance that he would play ‘simply mercilessly’ in the upcoming Robert Wesley Lifford III International Presidents Circle.

 

20001028

 

ek

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     10/28/2000 4:58:20 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    staticTing@hotmail.com (The Epicenter of Pinball)

 

KLEIN EMPLOYS SURLY MONKEYS

 

ITHACA NY USA

10.28.00

 

Local I-Town pinball legend eKlein, AKA staticTing, AKA that’s Mr Pottery Barn to you, was released without incident early this morning from his holding cell at the Ithaca Police Department on Clinton St.. At 10AM Klein held a press conference for limited members of the press from the spendthrift drawing room of Madame Gorges Victorian Brothel. The future Hall of Famer had this to say of the depraved scene which took place late the previous night at the pinball Mecca, the Chanticleer. “The amount of pinball needing to be played coupled with the short hours and need for drink forced my hand. The actions I took last night were merely my way of accomplishing the task set before me. Honestly I didn’t know the monkeys were drinking that much whiskey.” Reached for comment by phone a Chanticleer bartender who only identified herself as Becky had this to say to WOWNET news. “What happened last night was one of the freakiest thing I have witnessed in what is turning out to be a rather abject career. I’ve seen Klein’s antics plenty in the past, what with his drunken nudity and the scantly clad women, and I for one won’t step near the phone booth around last call lest I catch a contact high, but last night set a new benchmark.” Officers of the IPD report that Klein entered the premises by the back door at approximately 11:15PM Friday night with Chloe his impossibly attractive German mistress at his side with an entourage of ‘midgets with protrudeaces’. Witnesses corroborate and recount seeing no less than 6, and perhaps as many as 10 Belize born ring-tailed monkeys in butler suits emerging from Klein’s limousine, swarming the couple while opening the door and rolling out a red carpet. The monkeys, previously under-paid employees of a New Jersey warehouse responsible for the production of poor quality wrist pads, had recently moved to Ithaca to, as a Klein spokesperson put it “add a dimension of realism to the new Jungle Room”. The monkeys roll was expanded when it was learned that they to loved the nightlife. Witnesses accounts continue that the monkeys worked briskly for Klein, getting Guinness for him, holding flipper buttons so he could move between machines and keeping people away with loud screeching. “That was all well and good,” one patron reported, “but by midnight those monkeys were full of whiskey and beer-nuts, and that’s where it all went awry.” The police contend that by 1AM the scene was far worse. “There were monkeys all over the place, which could be considered cute” IPD Officer Moe Greenback told WOWNET “but remember these were surly drunken monkeys from Jersey”. Bites, defecation and hair pulling was rampant, but the pure amount of inappropriate sexual advances by the monkeys themselves was what led to the arrests. An unidentified patron reported, “one monkey approached me and handed me a card which read ‘F@#% me if I’m wrong but is your name Helga Titsbottom?’ I smiled and he bit my ass! There’s still a mark, I have to get a tetanus shot.” Fur was flying as fast as bottles and pool balls by last call, when IPD offices moved in with tear gas and riot gear. The second pinball induced riot in 4 months will cost Klein $15,000 in damages plus any figures the court adds to that. No one would reveal exactly what Klein was charged with however, prompting a strong statement from Klein’s leading defense attorney Allen Hayes. “These charges will never hold up in court, besides the Chanticleer itself could be at fault for putting Theater of Magic side-by-side with AFM, that’s an explosive combination which my pinball inclined client simply could not resist. Last night was unfortunate, but necessary.” The monkeys were unharmed and in low spirits as of press time, while prosecuting attorneys worked hard to find precedent in a case locals are calling Punch Drunk Monkey Business.

 

-wownet digital news

 

:::::::END TRANSMISSION:::::::::

 

20001101

 

jp

 

Subj:     : : : : : : : : : : :WOWNET DIGITAL UPDATE: : : : : : : : : : :

Date:     11/1/2000 11:43:57 AM Eastern Standard Time

From:    jeffparadise@msn.com (J. P.)

 

Well folks...I just received every Wownet transmission from the last two month at once.

That being said...please change my address on list to:

 

jparadise@fda-online.com

 

Thankfully for me and unlucky for others I made it to the event without the WOWNET (due to help from Mr.Zed via cell)

 

Let me just flaunt my nose at all of those who thought it preposterous that I could go anywhere in the tournament after missing an entire round.

 

I think I faired well considering.

I had my own personal victory that night...for those of you who missed it... Every ounce of pinball lovin I had left was drained into that machine during the second game of the championship match.

 

While I lost the war, I killed every living object in sight during that second battle.

So let me say this:

 

The LSI brought me to that place we all are constantly trying to find where the ether and the WOW meet on a plain of true pinball bliss.

 

Paradise Lost...and found....and the lost again

 

 

ps. My social calendar is constantly begging for invitations to small pinball (and non-pinball) gatherings around NYC and Lil Ithaca so.....just ask and I am there!

 

20001116

 

ek

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     11/16/2000 8:48:26 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    staticTing@hotmail.com (The Epicenter of Pinball)

File: goose_ref.jpg (639929 bytes)

 

--------------------

IN BRIEF:

ITHACA NY USA

11.16.00

 

The local pinball community of Ithaca NY is an educated lot of concerned citizens and it was their conviction and dedication to spreading pinball that led to last weeks dramatic events. Staunton Automatic recieved no less than 1 phone call(s) in over 6 weeks from WOWist member eKlein, AKA staticTing, AKA the house that debauchery built. In response to Klein's overwhelming telephone campaign Staunton employees removed the weak Batman

Forever machine and replaced it with the legendary Theatre of Magic. The stage was set; Klein spokeswoman Ms. Ewebet puts the situation like this.

 

"Klein, like all good pinballers knows that when a machine first breaks onto a scene many things can happen, the whole dynamic of the setting has changed, it is important in these times to set an example for others to follow, so this Klein attempted to do." In fact Klein put forth a powerful message to the community at large, and to suspected in-house arrestee the MFH by taking the Master Magician spot away from an amHZingly regular Chanti-Chanti patron, EJS with a score doubling performance. Klein then went on to knock all other competitors of rank from the machine in a single night completing the difficult '5-Count', or as known in the Premiership the 'Perfect Pitch' . Klein had this to say to the media this morning from his I-Town compound "I'll give you one guess who is behind the WOW at the Chanti Herm, one paltry guess. Whose left? When all the others have gone one will remain standing atop the heap of smoldering pinball energy in the Mecca of Pinball, bring your INI, your confused sense of self which

references you and me, bring that to the table and lets show this town what pinball is."

 

EDITORIAL

ITHACA NY USA

11.16.00

 

Many people thought it was over. They said "no I just use my 'No Time Like the Pleasant' CD as a coster" or "What the F#@% are these still doing in this basement!" or even "I threw the thing out when the memories of Zach wouldn't fade" but no one thought that Goose would become... successful in the media's revisionist eye. Yet here, now, today I read from the pages of a news authority(See Attached) that Goose was or could even possibly still be successful! Get my 'Bake at 4:20 for 20 to 30 Minuets T-Shirt out of the attic I'm on tour baby! But wait... If they haven't transcended the local scene then they must still be playing gigs around here, like Hal's on Sundays for free Ginger-Ale, or even Pastimes antiques. Good Luck boys, make us proud, no one could keep people out of Key West so I could play pool quite like you. Who knew that you could one day be as successful as

another Legendary Ithaca Rock band, Orleans.

 

20001116

 

pi

 

ubj:       ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     11/16/2000 10:46:36 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    pimbres@bellatlantic.net (Peter Imbres)

 

WOWNET-----LATE EDITION-----WOWNET-----LATE EDITION-----WOWNET

--------------------------…………………-----------------------………………….------------

--

 

 

Thursday Night Challenges

 

After discussing the state of Wow with Heavyweight Zed, it has been decided that intermittent Thursday nights will be dedicated to challenges among the upper ranks of Wowists and Rude Boys alike. The system is simple. You have to challenge a player on a specific machine at a specific location on a specific Thursday through a WOWNET posting. There must be ample time for shit talking and the like. There should also be only one main challenge per week so no one get their thunder stolen. This is a good way for the newer members of the Wowist community to step up in the ranks so they can someday enjoy the mythic status of legends like Chillusz and Hermalope.

 

Who will be the first to challenge for 11/30???

 

In other news…

 

GOOSE : LIVE AT BUDOKAN

 

Tokyo, Japan – 11.16.00 – In a press conference today the remaining living members of Goose addressed the recent media blitz back in the states. Siting a sexual revolution amongst teenage women in the eastern nether regions of the greater Asia area, Goose has been catering solely to sold out arenas packed with rabid dark haired teens for the past several years while

famous venues like Key West were going belly up due to the lack of Goose-related revenue. Some have even gone as far as to say that the members of Goose, and their devout following of Zen Wowism, has crippled the once thriving Ithaca, NY, economy. The band, once rumored to be the economic force behind the redesign of the “octopus” as well as the Carl Sagan downtown mini-solar system (which was promptly vandalized by hooligans), responded to the press as follows:

 

Nekkei News’ Sum Ting Wong, Senior Correspondent – “Is it true that the multi-platinum No Time Like the Pleasant CD, which was the anthem of the Hong Kong labor strike, only sold 600 copies in the US and is now the preferred medium of several arts and crafts projects at the Ithaca Montessori School?”

 

Mike Costello, bass player and boxer-briefs model – “It’s easy to look at the album sales in the US and say that we didn’t enjoy the degree of success there that the little Asian people have given us here but the $32.45 that we made off that first album was enough to send Jay Damberg over here as a piece of carry-on luggage. Even though the customs officials frowned on the heavily soiled livestock crate, this couldn’t have happened without that money.”

 

Mtv’s Kurt Loder, News Analyst – “This recent article has once again uncovered the debate about whether or not Goose could ever get out from under the shadow of one of the hardest hitting rock supergroups ever assembled. Even when you appeared on the cover of the Rolling Stone before the release of Novelty Hits Vol. IV (featuring Queso, Disco Love Deluxe and White Trash Hell), the headline read ‘Goose: The Next Donna the Buffalo (or Just a Poor Man’s Sunshine Spider)?’”

 

Dave Yantorno, guitarist and legend in the Midwestern Embroidery Union – “I’ m not going to deny that you can’t mention rock and roll without mentioning Donna the Buffalo. When you look at those guys it’s hard not to envy them. The name Jeb is certainly as recognizable as Madonna, Prince or even Kato in the annals of pop culture. I think we performed admirably in their shadow

considering the depth of their roots in modal jHZz and Arabic polyrhythms. We certainly weren’t the only band that was left in awe at their intense chops. If you play Cookie Jar from Sunshine Spider’s 9/23/97 show at the Nines you can hear that Barry is humming a medley of Donna the Buffalo songs during Mike Stark’s midi piano solo. As far as I’m concerned, that’s just a cheap way to win over a crowd.”

 

The Ithaca Journal’s Jim Catalano, Music Guru – “Why did Walt Lorenzut leave the band right at the height of their success abroad? Certainly this Wingnut band couldn’t have driven him away. I saw them once and they played a whole show without singing any songs! No words!! That’s certainly not music to this reporter unless it’s that guy who makes the music for Star

Wars. That shit is great!”

 

Peter Imbres, guitarist and laureate of the President’s Council on Chicken Wings – “With Walt it was really a combination of factors. First of all, the women of Japan and Taiwan tend to have a sharp boney pelvic region, which was highly irritable to Walt’s TLS, or Tender Loin Syndrome. It got so bad that he had to sit in a gynecologist’s chair to relieve pressure when we were playing shows and that wasn’t the image we were going for…by a long shot. He couldn’t even do his Sexecutioner routine without groaning like an out-of-work rodeo clown. Mike Costello was already set for life after a few years of fondling brittle elderly people at Binghamton Hospital so he was more than ready to rejoin us for a final run at glory.”

 

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, World News Correspondent – “Is it true that Jay Damberg, Mike Glowa, Grant Helfman, Zed Wilusz, and Rob Lifford were trampled at an autograph signing at an Singapore Sam Goody?”

 

Jeff Goodmark, drummer and personal caregiver – “Well…where do I start? Jay Damberg is still alive, if only barely. He starts most of our arena shows but by the second song the lights start to burn his skin and dehydrate him so I come in and play the rest of the night. Mike Glowa is our business manager, even though he thought Yen could only be redeemed at vending machines until last week. Lifford, even though he only played one full show with Goose in Norwalk, CT, is alive and well. He enjoys the company of our female fans and often refers to himself as the Brian Wilson of Goose. He has political asylum in most countries west of France by now. Oh yeah….Grant and Zed were killed….ummm….our condolences go out to their familes…yada yada yada.”

 

The Village Voices’s Josh Rose, Music Editor – “Will there be a Goose reunion in New York City in the foreseeable future? Maybe even a reunion tour with Sunshine Spider, Old Janx Spirit and Alien??”

 

Matt Hopkins, percussionist and inspirational speaker – “No. When the guys get back in the city they go on weeklong pinball benders that usually ends up with hefty bills at the emergency room. Also, Zach Taylor redirected a significant portion of his family’s DuPont fortune to seeking out HeavyweightZed for a rematch of their historic fight in Fort Collins, CO. Apparently the MGM Grand in Las Vegas is prepared to host the event at a moments notice. I think a big fight like that would be the treaty treatster dig dankity of all time. Zach already has boxing shorts that have “Trust Fund Trouncer” across the midsection but Zed’ famous punch combination, referred to by many as the Pastrami Patty Cake, is still feared by underweight exchange students in many ivy league institutions. Just thinking about it makes me want to rent a house with my friends, blow tubes all day, and buy some puppies. Dude…it’ ll be bigger than the Merl show! By the way, there’s going to be a quarter kegger of kind microbrews back at the Radisson after this thing…tell all the

hotties.”

 

Hopkins was kicked out of the band for the third time immediately following the news conference.

 

###

 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Zealots for a Wowier Tomorrow

NY, NY

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

20001117

 

JB

 

Subj:     Re: ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     11/17/2000 12:32:27 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    revjustin@hotmail.com (Justin Burke)

 

The only way a Goose/Sunshine Spider/Old Janx Spirit/Alien Tour could ever be complete is if someone yanks Soundguy/Spiritual Advisor to the Stars, Hoagie Von Burkenstien, out from retirement. As everyone knows, it was his tickling of the faders that gave each supergroup their signature soul-searing sound. Those same skills helped propel him into a glamorous carrer of faxing and then onto helping others learn why they shouldn't soak

their audio gear in beer, cat pee and other curious liquids.

 

Rumor has it, he changed his name to something ridiculous like "Justin" and has joined a sect of straight edge Rastafarians based in Austin, TX.

 

To quote Heavyweight Zed, "No one wants to fuck the soundman."

 

20001117

 

ek

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     11/17/2000 5:51:54 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    staticTing@hotmail.com (The Epicenter of Pinball)

 

IN BRIEF

ITHACA NY USA

11.17.00

 

The Great Orange Hope, aka Ms Tilves, aka Tildieof the yodelers, left I-Town at the top of the afm leaderboard with an impressive 16.4billion, some said itwas good enough to last, some said it would immortalize the player inI-Town lore. Poppycock. Now it seems that the score is in danger ofdisappearing altogether as it dropped to #3, turning to the second pageof overall highs last night after local WOWist eklein smashed theprevious top 4 with a 21.8billion display of how rudea WOWist can play. Klein’s achievement, with its 5.2billion margin to the#2, comes 2.1billion short of the overall Grand Champion score of 23.9billion. Klein asserted to the media that hisboney ass was indeed his, countering that ini appears a total of... nonetimes at the chanti, while Klein has posted 6 top scores this week.

 

20001117

 

mh

 

Subj:     Re: ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     11/17/2000 2:22:24 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    zenwow_1999@yahoo.com (lester brown)

 

The following needs to be added to the record:

1)Wiggle Finger was better than Goose ( three words "One Fry Short") I wept the day that Bubba was ousted.

 

2) Much of Gooses early success most be contributed to the influence of the orginal Hummus Gaggle One Security Force. Remember the light shows-- thank you very little.

 

3) Jah Hoag, I knew Mad Dog, I was friends with Mad Dog and Sir you were no Mad Dog.

 

4) Rumor has it the mother f***** Hermalope snuck out of the house last night and proceede to throw up the top marksman spot on T2 at the chappy while thrashing in town vistor Zed Wilusz. Klien your boney ass is mine.

 

5) Zed wears leather pants and eats sushi.

 

6) Zed wears leather pants and eats sushi

 

7) My dad is tougher than your dad.

 

 

20001117

 

mq

 

Subj:     RE: ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     11/17/2000 12:36:14 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    mquinn@snowball.com (mickie quinn)

 

Will Mike Costello be removing his shirt during any of these shows? Inquiring groupies want to know.

 

20001120

 

ek

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     11/20/2000 10:59:40 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    staticting@hotmail.com (I-Town Calling)

 

STATICtING LIVE-FEED FROM FLORIDA: BONITA SPRINGS, FL USA

11.20.00

 

1.) ParadiseLost, or found for that matter, can come to I-Town if he so desires to challenge me... the media capital of the world you live in but pinball is another matter. Bring your challenge to the Mecca, or wait until my staff and I decied on a time when the logistics of traveling with an illegal troupe of monkeys is feasable. It seems that none of you know where anything but Moster Bash and a broken HD machine are anyway. Besides the MFH would be easier and I say a more heated a challenge(hint).

 

2.) The MFH cannot verify my scores because the MFH recently lost the rope ladder with which he escapes from his house at night after he pretends to become sleepy and 'turns in early'. The MFH for all that I-Town knows only makes bi-weekly appearaces at the Chappy when he takes the dogs on 'a real long walk', that is all, unless he has a 'meeting after work'(hint-hint).

 

3.) Chilluz can verify the prowess of WOW at the Chanti, for he was there no more than 4 nights ago.

 

4.) OTIS will fall.

 

5.) The 4th Annual Winter Formal is in I-Town as always on Dec

9th-10th(yes 2 days). You all may do 1 of 3 things... get your pottery barn catalogs handy, shove your leather pants full of sushi, or come and pinball with the likes of Tilves, hZ, the MFH, Cos, and myself.

 

6.) Believe what you will MightyOne. No tricks are necessary and all reports are true.

 

7.) You are my only hope Good-e1, can you hear me? Good-e1 you're my only hope. If you have not perished goto the Chanti, see and challenge the truth and report to the weak at heart that I need not imbelish to dominate. You're my only hope.

~END TRANSMISION

 

 

20001120

 

jp

 

Subj:     RE: ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     11/20/2000 2:27:58 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    JParadise@fda-online.com

 

Being that I detest all things Pottery Barn.

Being that I am fully committed to any of the Mighty Quinns darkest wishes.

 

I HEREBY CHALLENGE E-KLEIN (aka STATIC TING) TO A THURSDAY NIGHT DUEL!!!

 

I will leave the date of the challenge up to him, as he is the one that

must drag his lHZy skinny ass out of I-town!

 

20001120

 

mq

 

Subj:     RE: ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     11/20/2000 12:50:58 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    mquinn@snowball.com (mickie quinn)

 

::::::: The Mighty One Questions The Validity of StaticTing's Reports & Demands A Hand Count :::::

Anyone notice how much eKlein (aka StaticTing) TALKS about kicking ass, but fails to make public appearances, claiming that the Pottery Barn catalogue is way too interesting to leave Ithaca? Absences at both the Luscious Santa Invitational and the Robert Wesley Lifford III International Presidents Circle Summit have left the pinball community wondering about StaticTing’s

commitment to pinball.

 

Meanwhile, WoWNET reports come flooding in from iTown, stating StaticTing's prowess on a variety of machines and his Rude Boy philosophy on monkeys and public destruction. Why doesn't the MFH corroborate any of these supposed high scores and public uproars? Is he under eKlein's spell (thus explaining his absence from the LSI)? Is it a plot to keep an elusive air about our pinball Mecca… tempting us all to come home? Perhaps eKlein has some kind of mind-control ability over the owners/staff at the Chanti, thus working with pinball technicians to 'adjust' the scoreboards. Have his slave monkeys assumed control of Ithaca’s hierarchy?

 

I dare someone to challenge StaticTing to a Thursday night duel… let’s see if he can walk the walk… not just talk the talk.

 

 

20001120

 

tk

 

Subj:     Re: ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     11/20/2000 5:59:58 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    ntheory@hotmail.com (Thomas Knauer)

 

to all those who still have faith in the wow...

 

otis still lives and will continue to maintain the g.c. spot on the one table of import in ith-a-ca. and fear not, if ever that score falls, otis will feel it and will know what needs to be done. otis will use his special powers to materialize with a pocketful of quarters, a bottle of scotch and a surly disposition to reclaim what will always be rightfully his. many have tried, but all will fail. otis is the one true faith -- except for the other one which is equally true: hail eris! feel my silverball power and tremble. i may be absent, but the force is still strong in this one!

 

hail otis!!!

 

20001121

 

ek

 

Subj:     :::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::

Date:     11/21/2000 3:06:12 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    staticting@hotmail.com

 

:::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::

 

STATICtING RESPONDS TO CHALLENGE AND CHALLENGE CHALLENGE PLUS HE CHALLENGES THE CHALLENGERS

BONITA SPRINGS, FL

11.21.00

 

eKlein, AKA staticTing, released a written statement to the media today from his gated beachside compound on the warm Gulf of Mexico which his impossibly attractive mistress Chloe read to the press.

"I would like to first personaly thank Good-e for his quick response in defence of WOW at the Mecca. The Chanti holds a special place in all of our hearts even if now some of us have forgotten that pinball is far more than a liquor license, smoke, ambiance and flipper buttons. For shame, have you forgotten too the 1995 Ithaca city court ruling that Dimension may never be

brought within 1000 feet of the Chanti for fear of "Massive and perhaps fourth dimensional damage"? If Dimension is the Mother of the Machines than most certainly the Chanti is the Mother of the Venue. No other place has had such consistent competition or high level of play. Ask hZ, ask Vide, ask the Great Orange Hope, ask the Commish. Hell ask frickin' Otis.

On to that, as per a communique to hZ in the past, Otis has been subverted by WOWnetII, which the MFH will learn of in a letter only for him. I feel to exclude him altogether seems a bit elitist, and that his sad inability to post with any renewed authority will be his own demise. Why justify what will take care of itself.

That raises my next point: the Mighty1. You seem to doubt what you don't understand my dear and I am not the first to notice. Your play speaks loudest of your abilities not your postings of my monkeys mind control and your leather. If you want a challenge do it yourself.

And does that not bring us to ParadiseLost, who has perhaps never understood the way a challenge works in the first place? You, my friend, come to me and call me out. That's right. If your sure in your abilities come to my house of pinball, the Chanti, and challenge me there. That way if you have what it takes it is all the more embarassing for the me the(amHZingly hypothetical) loser for you have(amHZingly hypothetically) defeated me on my home field. If you think I lack balls, or if you think I

lack the ability to crush you on the machine like a bug, then challenge me like a true player would, don't hide behind the fathers of WOW for a ruling, if your confident enough to challenge, then step up and do so.(either that or buy me an airline ticket from I-Town to Teterborogh NJ, and then a helicopter to the roof of whatever venue you want.)

Finally, what has happened to Little Ithaca? Seems that their leaders are either silent or waiting a return to I-town with great anticipation. It would appear the the true energy of the silverball remains inside the Mecca, and that after the 'death march' called the LSI you know that the truest pinball is a great machine in a great venue. Thank you."

"What about the challenge from the MFH?" members of the press shouted to Chloe in various forms.

"We feel that a personal response is more appropriot than a message to the masses. Again thank you."

~END TRANSMISSION

 

20001121

 

jp

 

Subj:     Re: ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     11/21/2000 5:14:22 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    JParadise@fda-online.com

 

Ahhh thrashing lucious santa during the holiday season.....

nothing will be finer!

 

Make sure you bring your sack santa.

 

20001121

 

jp

 

From: JParadise@fda-online.com

Sent: November 21, 2000 4:59:35 PM GMT

Subject: Re: ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

 

11-21-00

NYC

 

In a recent press conference "Paradises Lost" (AKA Gentle Ben) issued the following statement:

 

"What am I going to do Mr. Donaldson?"

 

"Well I'm going to follow the letter of the law and abide by the results of the recount."

 

"...Oh you mean about the pinball, well first let me finish my earlier statement, I am awaiting the Florida hand count results,

I feel my one vote in Florida was either a mistake, or possibly my grandmother, or my grandmother making a mistake. As this result has ruined my perfect 0% margin I will see that the vote is scrutinized extensively"

 

"As far as E-Kleins failure to step up to the plate and face me.... I call upon the creators of the challenge system to elaborate on the appropriate action to be taken"

 

"What has happened is obvious, E-Klein has neither the balls nor the pottery barn knick knacks to accept my challenge, and his yellow bellied cowardice should be dealt with appropriately"

 

"I also feel that all members of the Wowist community living outside of the microcosm of Ithaca, should take a close look at E-Kleins statement to truly see the personal affrontary and blatant disrespect he has shown all of us"

 

"No more questions please"

 

20001121

 

mh

 

Subj:     rants of a madman (from herm)

Date:     11/21/2000 12:52:02 PM Eastern Standard Time

 

Once again the MFH is forced to address a bevy of lies, half truths and fraudulent allegations.

 

1) Can we ban this OTIS character from the list- his writing is a little to neo-romantic for my hard lovin' sensibilities and I should hope for all of yours also. May I also suggest that Miss Quinn serve some sort of suspension for her questionable behavior at the LSI regarding the consumption of drinks( perhaps a six

month ban from posting, and a permanent moratorium on her mention mediation in her posts. Miss Quinn will not be receiving an invite to the most prestigious of all tourneys, The Ithaca Memorial Day Masters as a result of the aforementioned behavior and her continued disrespect of the I-town greats)

 

2) As many of you are aware I was absent from the LSI as a result of legal troubles( I haven't heard anything about your Lifford tourney so I am assuming a didn't miss much, if anything). I firmly believe I was a victim of some sort of perverse conspiracy between wowist operatives and the Ithaca City Police Dept. Unfortunately I have been unable to make it out to

remind wee lil Eric of my greatness as a result of said legal troubles. (Interestingly enough the judge and the DMV denied my petition for a weekly period of pinball time to be amended to my conditional license for the operation of motor vehicles in the State of New York)

 

3) Why haven't we heard from Zed lately- just his carping band of ninnies-I heard that some bad sushi which led to a case of explosive diarrhea coupled with a hard to remove pair of leather trousers recently made for a very very messy time.

 

4) The idea is that anyone from Ithaca would travel to Little Ithaca to play in a challenge match is re donk u lus . I support lil Eric 100% there.

 

5) Lil Eric- I feel like your kinda calling me out- but like a true wowist punk you just can't step up and say it- I will destroy you little man.( A quick look into the history books reminds me that the last time we met in a formal competition the world saw me bounce you from the 3rd round of Memorial Masters,

ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

 

6) I had more to say but I can't remember

 

MFH

 

20001121

 

mh

 

Subj:     Challenge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Date:     11/21/2000 12:53:12 PM Eastern Standard Time

 

I challenge lil Eric Klien.

date: 11/30

time: TBA

place: Rude Ranch

machine: The grand dame of pinball

 

Bring your mittens - cause it's only about 50 degrees

on the porch this time of year, baby cakes!]

 

the MFH

 

20001121

 

pi

 

Subj:     Re: ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     11/21/2000 5:44:34 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    pimbres@bellatlantic.net (Peter Imbres)

 

Just to clarify...

 

The whole point of the challenge system is that official Wowist games are played year round for the enjoyment of the larger community. To ask eKlein to come to Lil' Ithaca is a little extreme. Most of us don't understand how difficult it is for someone as handsome as eKlein to leave his loyal minions. A half dozen vietnamese call girls and a bevy of Pottery Barn throw pillows beats a weekend of polish sausage and pickled yams with the likes of Paradise Lost by a healthy margin. No need for name calling it's just simple math.

 

To satisfy Paradise Lost in his pursuit of personal atonement and public humiliation, I will hence challenge thee:

 

Contenders: Luscious Santa vs Paradise Lost

Date: Thursday December 7th, 2000

Format: Best of seven, two-player games

Place: ACE, East Village, NYC

Machine: Cactus Canyon

 

Please note: Recounts are rarely needed when you're beat like a dime store customer service clerk refusing a refund to a fat lady with a pocketbook full of silver dollars.

 

Happy Thanksgiving and remember...tofurkey is an acceptable substitute,

 

l.santa

 

20001130

 

HZ

 

::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::

 

TILVES TAKES HEAVYZ IN I-TOWN GRUDGE MATCH

 

LITTLE ITHACA, BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, USA.. In a special, Wednesday night presentation of Thursday Night Pinball Fights, Miss Tilves smiled her way to a best of seven victory over HeavyweightZed last night. The under-publicized match was discovered at Little Ithaca’s Pourhouse by local aficionados towards the end of the match, when Zed appeared to be making a rally against Tilves’ 3 – 1 lead with a replay and score on the big board. HeavyweightZed fell short, however, as Miss Tilves won the match with a smart 4 – 2 victory against the ex-champ. Zed’s statements for the press were brief: “Give me another fucking scotch.” was the only quote he had for reporters who barreled into the bar in the closing balls of Game 6.

 

“We didn’t want to make this match a public affair,” said Miss Tilves from behind a small pile of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale bottles, “because Zed has a difficult time handling the ass whooping which I have administered to him on several of our most recent meetings in professional play. Yeah, he took me 2 to 1 in the LSI, but he can’t ride that wave forever. HeavyZ has been looking more like Zeee-Lite as of late. World Clique my ass,” continued Tilves, “he’s been clicking less than TT’s watch. Is my General Tso’s chicken here yet?”

 

Miss Tilves catapulted from relative obscurity to the highest levels of pinball in 2000, claiming several top scores in the Ithaca Premiership as well as a solid finish in the first annual Luscious Santa Invitational. Recently, Miss Tilves and HeavyweightZed were paired in the final round of the Antwerp Open, in Belgium. Although the tournament was not sanctioned by Wowist Authorities because of the presence of P2K games and a distinct lack of crushed ritalin and wet nurses, Miss Tilves won the tournament without much difficulty.

 

On condition of anonymity, a spokesperson from Doubleslow Labs revealed that plans are in the works to ship HeavyZ back to the lab so that “a battery of tests can be performed to assess what’s gone wrong.” “We suspect a pastrami shortage,” he added.

 

 

-wownet digital news

 

20001204

1426

MH

 

 

Subj:     WOW NET

Date:     Mon 12/4/2000 2:26 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    Lester Brown

 

 

Commission of Official Player Alias Registration, Oslo, Norway:

 

File Reference Number: TV001X

Date: 12/04/00

Player: Nicole Tilves

 

Action: In recognition of Ms. Nicole Tilves victory over Mr. HeavyweightZed AKA Heavyweight Zed (Reference #: HZ235Y) AKA Z. (Reference #:HZ349P) AKA The Heavyiest (Reference #:HZ690Q)AKA Got Whupped by his Lady (Reference #: PENDING)on 11/30/00 the commission has issued the following Player Alias to Ms. Nicole

Tilves which may be used in all sanctioned pinball events for both registration and publicity purposes.

 

Player Alais: THE SPANISH PHLY

 

The members of the Commission wish to congratulate Ms. Tilves AKA THE SPANISH PHLY and wish her continued

success.

 

Lester Brown

Chairman

 

20001204

1511

JP

 

 

Subj:     ::::WOWNET::::

Date:     Mon 12/4/2000 3:11 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    JParadise@fda-online.com

 

Transmission.....

Thurs. 12/4/00 NYC

 

Paradise Lost (AKA "Gentle Ben") has been spotted slipping in and out of ACE BAr in NY's East Village. The sightings have taken place at odd hours of the day and night. When one reporter Spotted Paradise leaving the establishment he tried to get a statement. To no avail...Paradise declined to comment.

 

A staff member of the ACE bar was quoted as saying "Yeah I see this guy come in, 'he slips in hits up the Cactus Canyon machine for a few games then spanks Monster Bash and leaves" ..."I don't mind because he always seems to leave a few free games on the

machines."

 

The only statement issued from Paradise was this:

 

"In a private statement to me LS claimed his choice of Cactus Canyon was because 'people say I'm too good at Monster Bash', I would like you all to know I'll spank his Jolly round butt on any

machine! I also expect to see a big turnout Thurs night, so there will be no question of my superiority!

VIVA LA BOLOGNA!!!"

 

-end transmission-

 

20001204

2148

HZ

 

HZ GIVES YOU THE FINGER.

 

BROOKLYN NY USA. Yeah, you. I’m talking to you, you fucking fuck. I’m coming to I-town to fuck your shit up. I’m gonna get RetroZ on your narrow ass in the Ithaca WOWTown Rodeo tournament this weekend. Saturday, bitch. Eklein, you can have your pretty little Theater of Magic and Wee Mattie Herman can have his Corduroy and T2 at the Chapter House. And if they let GoodE take a 4 hour sabbatical from the bakery, I’ll even let him choose the third machine.

 

You are all going down. All you Ithaca sallies that were too lHZy, too incarcerated, or too employed to make it to the Luscious Santa Invitational are about to get a lesson, hZ style.

 

The tournament will consist of round robin, head to head competition, Poindexter.

Assuming the 3 of you sods can get out of a pint glass / work / your wife’s watchful eye, six games will be played on each of the three tables.

 

Example:

GoodE and heavyweightZed

GoodE and MFH

GoodE and EKlein

heavyweightZed and MFH (will be a quick match)

heavyweightZed and EKlein

MFH and EKlein

 

A win takes 3 points and a loss takes none. I’ll bring a calculator to help GoodE out with the math. Like the Premiership, there will be no playoffs. The winner will have the most tournament points after the three games. Ties will be settled by one head to head match.

 

Two drink minimum per venue. 30 minute warmup / social per venue. No Whining. The winner will be treated to one free meal of sushi at Kayuga, courtesy of Herm.

 

Other participants are welcome, most notably Cos, but you must be at least a brown belt to participate and pre-match calisthenics will be limited to 5 minutes.

 

I’ve already taken up a collection so that Herm will have adequate cabfare back out to Romulus.

 

Don’t forget that these rules are subject to change, Paco. Your mom told me that the rules will be modified if the WOWTown Rodeo starts looking even a little bit like the Luscious Santa Pinball Deathmarch.

 

---hZ out

20001204

2148

HZ

 

::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::::::::

 

“TOO COLD FOR PINBALL” SAYS HERM

 

ITHACA NY USA. “It’s too cold to play Dimension” said Matt Herman in response to a recent Thursday Nite Pinball Fight challenge. “And close the door,” he added, “you’re letting in a draft!” The challenge was made last week by I-Town Popsie Expression Artist, EKlein. Despite the vast quantities of Hermie’s talk, it appears he has no walk (without his walker, that is). In a later phonecall, Hermie said that he would consider firing up Dimensia as soon as he finished up his new sweater.

 

Unless said sweater is complete, there may be no Dimensia for this weekend’s WOWTown Rodeo. Zen Wowist officials will be meeting later this week to discuss the possible revocation of Herman’s Keeper of the Machine Status.

 

-wownet digital news

 

20001205

1157

pi

 

Subj:     :::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::::::::

Date:     12/5/2000 11:57:04 AM Eastern Standard Time

From:    pimbres@bellatlantic.net (Peter Imbres)

 

.....::::::::DIGITAL TRANSMISSION::::::::::.........

 

 

...LUSCIOUS SANTA SEEN WOEFULLY OUT-OF-SHAPE AT RECENT MIDWESTERN BREAST IMPLANT FUNDRAISER...

 

Lawrence, Kansas - 12/5/00 - Yesterday at University of Kansas a group of companies gathered to educate the students on the immense career opportunities that come with a pair of large healthy breasts. Among the companies represented we're Playboy Publishing, WWF, DoubleSlow Engineering and, of course, the largest employer of the top heavy, Luscious Santa Inc. Much to the surprise of the hundreds that gathered, Luscious Santa himself made a brief appearance at his company's booth to sign autographs and recruit trainees for his New York-based compound.

 

"He wasn't at all what I expected," said Sandi Reynolds, a sociology student. "I expected him to be able to speak better and exhibit some degree of agility but he just sort of mumbled and rocked back and forth a lot."

 

While many female college students lined up around the gymnasium wearing stretchable tank tops in anticipation of receiving Luscious Santa's signature on their bosom, he couldn't even sit in a folding chair without being propped up by a series of garden stakes and rope let alone hold a writing implement.

 

Many attribute Luscious Santa's condition to his rigorous workout in preparation for Thursday's match against Paradise Lost. While he was first scheduled to go to Nepal to train on a Bride of Pinbot machine at high altitudes, he had a layover in Singapore and he never went any further siting the abundance of prostitutes and Sega pinball tables. Most experts doubt that neither sex with desperate young women nor numerous hours spanking a Golden Eye machine will give Luscious Santa the edge over Paradise Lost, who no longer drinks or does drugs or eats chicken wings. Emerging from an oxygen regeneration chamber, Luscious Santa made a few brief comments to the press.

 

"This Paradise Lost is the same smelly bastard that used to stiff me at dollar pints night at Key West, I know what level of karmic turpitude I'm dealing with. I may not be in the best shape of my [hiccup] life, but I can still beat any second tier sally like a frigid female lamb in Matty Herman's backyard," said Luscious Santa. "I'm looking at this match with Paradise Lost as a mere warm up for the week I will be spending up in Ithaca around New Years. Hopefully the likes of eKlein or GoodE can provide some sort of challenge for me before my liver implodes on New Years Eve."

 

With that statement Luscious Santa opened himself up to challenges on Thursday December 28th, preferably on a Chanti based machine. Upon hearing the news eKlein (aka StaticTing) drifted back to sleep on his Pottery Barn couch while whispering "thank you, mommy" repeatedly into the mouth of a bottle of Jim Beam he was cradling. GoodE, however, reacted by feverishly applying a sizable amount of cream cheese to a sesame seed bagel for an impatient Ralph Nader supporter.

 

Luscious Santa was already comatosed when reporters began to ask him about whether or not he will be challenging Spanish Phly (aka the Great Orange Hope) in the near future after her triumphant victory over pinball great Heavyweight Zed.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Luscious Santa Press Office

New York, NY

pimbres@bellatlantic.net

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

20001205

1203

mh

 

Subj:     I-town Rodeo

Sent: Tuesday, December 05, 2000 12:03 PM

From: lester brown [mailto:zenwow_1999@yahoo.com]

 

To set the record straight please note the following:

 

1) Yes, I said it was to cold to play Dimension. Being Irish and renowned for my hosipitality I thought it was to cold for a guest to come and play (especially a guess with .0005% body fat like lil Eric. I however continue to play- sans shirt even. If you boys will leave your carping at the door I say bring it.

 

2) How come no Spanish Phly in the I town rodeo? Is Heavy Z afraid to finish behind his girlfriend?( I however frequently find myself behind his girlfriend when I finish!) We want the best little ithaca has to offer!

 

The MFH

 

20001205

1457

jp

 

Subj:     Re: :::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::::::::

Date:     12/5/2000 2:57:50 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    JParadise@fda-online.com

 

......::::::::::::::::WOWNET UPDATE::::::::::::::::::::.........

 

NYC 12-5-00

 

Responding to Luscious Santas name calling, Paradise Lost had the following reaction:

 

"He called me a second tier sally? Well piss on him. I'll be a fu&*in Grinch in his santafied arse!!!!

As for the claims that I stiffed him at dollar pints he can bite me on that one too. Maybe he was too busy playing with his little DAT's to know what was going on. He wants a warm up for I-Town I'll give him a f&*kin beating he'll never forget!"

At this point Paradise stood up and proclaimed that Gentle Ben was dead (his earlier zed given monacher) And spat into the crowd of reporters before screaming "I want some Lucious blood!"

 

20001205

1605

dj

 

Subj:     Re: :::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::::::::

Date:     12/5/2000 4:05:29 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    DJonas@mfi.com (David Jonas)

 

Westchester, N.Y. - After monitoring WOWNet reports filter in all day long, notably the ensuing ugliness between Luscious Santa and Paradise Lost, the reclusive Tonto (formerly SlowHand), felt it necessary to issue his own unlikely challenge. The text of the statement follows:

 

'Friends, there is one approaching opportunity for challenges, counter-challenges and general wownet mayhem. The place is none other than Ithaca, the original, and the time none other than New Year's Eve. I hereby extend a general challenge to all interested parties for some intense contests, with exact locations to be determined by local WoWists. Bring your rubber chickens and your spandex leggings, you'll need 'em.'

 

No explanation followed Tonto's cryptic remarks, though his advisors did note the abnormally and dangerously high levels of caffeine in his blood, not to mention several substances as yet unidentified by science, though insiders suggest a shrubbery fertilizer and goose egg incubating toxin are involved.

Tonto also neglected to mention his absolute piss-poor abilities pertaining to such challenges and his complete lack of understanding on most topics discussed in these circles. Nevertheless, the challenge stands, may God have mercy on our souls. See you in Ithaca.

 

--End Communication--

 

20001206

1748

mq

 

Subj:     :::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::::::::

Date:     12/6/2000 5:48:28 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    mquinn@snowball.com (mickie quinn)

Reply-to:            mquinn@snowball.com

To:        DJonas@mfi.com (David Jonas), JParadise@fda-online.com

 

------------------------------------------------------

MIGHTY ONE LOVES BOTH MEN FLEES TO CARIBBEAN

------------------------------------------------------

 

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

 

- In a statement to the press regarding the upcoming Luscious Santa/Paradise Lost match, the Mighty One refuses to take sides and feels pressure in rooting for either opponent.

"Really, I believe that either man is a worthy champion. Luscious has the experience and the full understanding of WoW, as well as recommending the skimpiest bathing suit for my trip. And Paradise Lost is, well, a great big huggy bear," she commented while packing her suitcase.

"I've decided to relieve myself of the duty of picking sides and spend four days on Grand Cayman, basking in the sun and exploring Caribbean pinball on All-You-Can-Drink-Rum Night. I'm sure that the local bar has Pay-Per-View and I will be able to enjoy the match. I have left my best wishes for both men as well a good luck charm. I taped a lock of hair to the back of Cactus Canyon," she says as she opens her robe to reveal a bald patch on her chest.

When asked about the Ithaca tournament, the Mighty One shrugged and said, "Well, it would be wrong of me to open my mouth when MFH has requested that women been seen and not heard. I would like to mention that I am going to miss out on the season's pinnacle social event, the Commissioner's Ball at the France/Yantourno residence. The Commish throws a mean party. Have one for me!"

With that the Mighty One grabbed her stash of emergency cocktail umbrellas, zipped up her suitcase and headed to meet her limo to LaGuardia.

 

20001207

1352

jp

 

Subj:     : :::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::::::::

Date:     12/7/2000 1:52:01 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    JParadise@fda-online.com

To:        mquinn@snowball.com

 

12/7/00 NYC

 

As cable TV crews arrived at ACE bar this morning to begin setup for this evenings event, Paradise Lost was found frozen and near death in his lair (aka 2-man tent). Emergency crews arrived and placed Paradise in a massive warm nacho cheese bath to revive him. Once he regained consciousness he requested a bag of restaurant style tostitios and all was well. A spokesperson said "this can all be blamed on negligence by Luscious Santa for having not announced the start time of the event"

 

We recently gained exclusive information:

The LS / Paradise Lost showdown will commence at approx. 6:30 pm EST.

Spectators are warned of the large and raucous crowd expected.

One organizer was quoted as saying "be sure to arrive early and leave drunk!"

 

This is one reporter who will be certain to be at ACE bar tonight.

 

Ace bar is located at 531 e5th st. (bet A/B)....

....however we must mention that their ownership will be an innocent bystander in this evenings debacle...

 

20001207

1544

pi

 

Subj:     :::::::::::::LOCALIZED WOWNET DISPATCH:::::::::::::::::::

Date:     12/7/2000 3:44:58 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    pimbres@bellatlantic.net (Peter Imbres)

 

(just so the rest of you are prepared for the resultant seismic activity and possible interference of radio, tv (and cellphone) receptions.... From Luscious Santa himself...) [--HZ--]

 

EXTRA EXTRA....LOCALIZED WOWNET DISPATCH....EXTRA EXTRA

 

December 7, 2000

 

Main event: Luscious Santa vs Paradise Lost

Venue: Ace Bar, 531 East 5th Street

Time: 6:30pm (happy hour ends at 7pm so get there earlier to get yo' drink on)

Format: Best of 7

Machine: Cactus Canyon

 

Come see the insatiably rambunctious Paradise Lost take on the alluringly handsome Luscious Santa in a battle that will surely remind us all of the true meaning of the holiday season, which is establishing superiority over the weak and feeble minded.

 

Due to the relative availability of the machine, there are no predictions as to how long this will take.

 

There will be no Christmas caroling after the event.

 

20001208

0944

jp

 

Subj:     ::::::::: WOWNET::::::::::::

Date:     12/8/2000 9:44:50 AM Eastern Standard Time

From:    JParadise@fda-online.com

 

Let me be first to get on the record here before the disinformation and propaganda campaign from LS inc. begins. I spanked him!!!!!!!! And then he cried so I spanked him again!!!!!!!!!!!

To use LS's own phrase...this "second tier sally" crushed him.

4 games to 1.....that would make Lucious the Mets and me the mighty yanks.

To compound matters I walked Lucious home since he really couldn't see through the tears in his eyes.

Back at his east village pad we played a game of darts......and I spanked him again!

 

So I will now be accepting challenges for next week. Abandon faith all ye who dare.

And oh yeah......New Years.....EKlein is MINE!

 

20001208

1252

dj

 

Subj:     Re: ::::::::: WOWNET::::::::::::

Date:     12/8/2000 10:12:52 AM Eastern Standard Time

From:    DJonas@mfi.com (David Jonas)

To:        JParadise@fda-online.com

 

Having nothing to lose, I, Tonto, formerly SlowHand, hereby submit a challenge to Paradise Lost for a match next week. Name your game, name the place. This silliness must come to an end....now. Plus, I could use a pre-New Year's warm-up.

 

20001208

1356

mh

 

Subj:     Goodie and The MFH meet in Friendly

Date:     12/08/2000 1:56:39 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    lester brown [zenwow_1999@yahoo.com]

 

 

The MFH and Goodie meet in friendly

 

Ithaca NY

 

Pinball fans in I-town were treated to an impromptu

friendly between local pinball legends Goodie and The

Mother Fucking Hermalope early Friday afternoon at

the Chanticleer. Both players have been keeping a low

profile in recent months so pinball fans were blessed

to have the two luminaries playing together in an

unannounced and unscheduled friendly. Observers at the

Chanti said the mood was jovial and light with both

players offering encouragement and sharing tips.

Although three games were played no scores recorded

for official release. "Obviously what you have here is

two players just trying to get a baseline on the

machine for future tournament play. Both of these guys

are married and can't spend the kind of time Lil Eric

can prepping and primping for action" offered Anthony

DeMarco, the probation officer for the MFH who helped

arrange the friendly. DeMarco added that after the

friendly Herman was feeling good about his chances on

Theater of Magic and promised not to try to remove his

New York State Department of Corrections tracking

anklet despite the inteference and occasional

loudburst of feedback created by it's close proximity

to the machine.

Today’s friendly was presumably a warm up for

tomorrow’s scheduled tourney the I-Town Rodeo. However

tourney officials have been non-committal about who

will be playing and if indeed the tourney will even

take place. Rumors abound that HeavyweightZed has been

wavering on appearing despite the letter of commitment

he issued to tourney officials earlier in the week.

According to Todd Duncan of Silver Ball magHZine " If

Zed doesn’t play than I highly doubt Matty Herman

will bother to show up. Without Zed there is really

no incentive for Herman to compete against what would

be a very weak field. Without these two players

today’s friendly might be all the high quality pinball

the Ithaca faithful get for Christmas"

 

20001208

1440

ek

 

Subj:     ::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date:     12/8/2000 2:40:00 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    staticTing@hotmail.com (The Epicenter of Pinball)

 

KLEIN LAUGHS HIS WAY TO PERFECT ABS

 

12.08.00

ITHACA NY, USA

 

Responding to reports that the MFH believes the I-Town Rodeo's competition to be 'weak' EKlein, AKA staticTing, AKA We Mock What We Don't Understand, responded by falling to the floor of his I-Town compound in what can only be described as a full guffaw. After the rolling and floor pounding stopped it was revealed that Klein had in fact laughed so hard that his stomach was a virtual washboard. Klein then had this to say as he wiped tears from his eyes and clutched his side. "Herm can hide his fears in trash talk, but he knows that is his only salvation. If you read his lines carefully you see the small man deep in despair, he knows his practice scores were sub-par, and he's using hZ as an excuse. His latest remarks were those of a pansy giving himself a way out. See you at the Rodeo pretty-boy, or else your mind and body are full of cowardice." As of press time the MFH was still to be seen visibly shaking while he pondered anyway to save face in light of his pending demise in the Rodeo.

 

20001208

1520

mh

 

Subj:     LS appeals for help

Date:     Fri 12/8/2000 3:20 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    lester brown [zenwow_1999@yahoo.com]

 

 

Luscious Santa Appeals to Herman for Help

 

Rude Ranch Compound, T-Burg, NY

 

Sources at the Rude Ranch have revealed that the

Luscious Santa has appealled to high ranking officals

at the Rude Ranch for pinball instruction and

spiritual guidance following the bitch slapping he

suffered on thursday evening. LS called the rude ranch

and indicated to officials there that he is ready to

renounce the Wowist path and devote himself to the

rude boy style in an effort to avoid further

humilation according to undisclosed sources. " It

appears he's ready to take the first step and admit

that he is powerless over the rudeness in his life and

that as a result his life has become unmanageable.

Typically these sort of lifestye changes occur after

one has hit rock bottom which is obvoiusly the case

with the LS" offered Zed Wilusz a certified rudeness

intervention specialist.

 

20001209

1358

pi

 

From: Peter Imbres [mailto:pimbres@bellatlantic.net]

Sent: Saturday, December 09, 2000 1:58 PM

Subject: :::::WOWNET CHALLENGE RESULTS:::::

 

 

THE LUSCIOUSER THEY ARE, THE MORE SLOVENLY THEY FALL

 

--Paradise Lost defeats Luscious Santa 4-1 in official league play-

 

New York, NY - 12/8/2000 - On the night of Thursday December 7th, an obviously ill-prepared Luscious Santa lost decisively to Paradise Lost at the Ace Bar in New York's East Village. While many are speculating about how Luscious could lose to an unranked player, Luscious graciously accepted the defeat and claims to be heading to I-town to rectify his record.

 

"I don't like to make excuses but the liquid that Paradise was nursing all night like a wee infant was most definitely water," said Luscious Santa from his post-defeat party at Spa. "I find sobriety to be very distracting, especially in the pinball arena. Have you ever tried to hold a conversation with a sober person? It's fucking torture!"

 

Luscious now joins Heavyweight Zed with an 0-1 record in the 2000 season. This weekend's I-town Rodeo is expected to shed further light on who the dominant forces are in the current Wowist continuum.

 

For the record, Paradise Lost expressed an unflinching yearning for his Brooklyn dart league at various points during the night, even going as far to reveal his dart holster that he was using to create extra mass in the frontal section of his trousers.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Luscious Santa Press Syndicate

pimbres@bellatlantic.net

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

20001211

1341

pi

 

Subj:     You have been asked to join WOWnet

Date:     12/11/2000 1:41:46 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    v-9F7CB1BF24FAD6C6@listbot.com (ListBot Verifier)

To:        zed@aol.com

 

The list owner of:

 

"WOWnet"

 

has invited you to join their mailing list at ListBot.

 

YOU MUST REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE TO JOIN THE LIST.

 

== Simply reply with a blank message to join. ==

 

The list owner has included the following welcome message:

===========================================================

Hey...WOWnet is moving into the future!!!

 

Sign up for the new improved WOWnet through ListBot and you can send all of your posts to just wownet@listbot.com and everyone will recieve them. This eliminates some of the problems people bitch about. People and ting boys alike can also sign up and sign off as they please so you don't have to get tons of e-mail when you go away and crap like that. It's pure genius!! Spread the word.

 

Luscious Santa Inc.

A Division of WOWnet

 

The new (extremely basic and temporary) WOWnet page is up at : members.bellatlantic.net/~pimbres/luscious.htm

===========================================================

 

 

This verification message is used to confirm that we are able to send you mail, and protects you in case someone forges a subscription request in your name. If you believe this was a forged subscription request, ignore this message and you will not be added to the mailing list.

 

If you are having problems using the reply function in your e-mail client, the address to respond to is:

 

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ListBot puts YOU in control, letting you manage all of your list subscriptions from a single web site. Visit http://www.listbot.com/cgi-bin/subscriber if you wish to unsubscribe or manage your list subscription for this or other ListBot lists.

 

Visit this list's home page at: http://wownet.listbot.com

 

Thanks!

 

Sincerely,

 

The ListBot Team

http://www.listbot.com/

 

20001211

1949

ek

 

Subj:     :::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::::::::

Date:     12/11/2000 7:49:30 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    staticTing@hotmail.com (The Epicenter of Pinball)

 

ATTACK FROM MARS, KLEIN'S PAD, AND THE MFH'S REPUTATION NEARLY DESTROYED DURING WEEKEND RODEO

 

ITHACA NY USA

12.11.00

 

I-Town Rodeo: The set-up:

Each of the 5 players; Good-e, the MFH, HeavyweightZed, the Great Orange Hope, AKA Tilde the Yodler, AKA Spanish Phly, and eKlein, AKA StaticTing were to square off in a one game head-to-head match, with points awarded for wins(3), highest overall machine score(1), and for posting initials(1) on two machines: Theatre of Magic, and T2.

 

I-Town Rodeo: The reality:

In the end, Cos was standing in for Good-e, the MFH was under house arrest without tournament representation and AFM was heavily damaged. How did this all come to be? It all started simply in the smoke filled Players Lounge, where the competitors were bracing their wits with Guinness while

reminiscing about past matches and general pinball shenanigans before heading to the Chanti for a half hour 'social time'. At approximately 5:30 the first match began, in the next 3 hours careers would be broken and struggling legends reborn. Early on the play was lackluster but spirited, but certain trends were emerging. The player points began to indicate that HeavyweightZed was leading, but three players were in a virtual tie for second, and the MFH was in the basement. In fact, the electrified crowd would watch hZ pull off the Tournament Highlight, a 5 point sweep of Good-e while taking the Master Magician position in stride with his victory. At the end of Day One, hZ was in first place undefeated, eKlein, AKA StaticTing was in second, followed by Tilde the Yodler, AKA the Great Orange Hope, Good-e, and the 0:4 Hermalope. An eleventh hour decision was made to postpone the Chapter House Venue and T2 until Sunday afternoon when time became a factor. "We had all witnessed or were informed of what a death march the LSI bacame, and so worked to avoid that, plus it was becoming clear that we had a responsibility to party like true pinball players at eKlein's very fashionable 'Most Pleasant Holiday Mixer'" reported Tilde the Yodler from her dressing room at the I-Town compound. "Plus the MFH drugged his own drink and needed to sit down." Sit down he did. Reports from the I-Town compound indicate that nearly three dozen glass objects were broken and that an alarming 96% of it was a result of 'Hermolopic Intervention'. "I watched Herman break a glass, get another, knock a glass out of a rather frightened girl's hand, break his again, slip and fall on the ice, and then drink three shots of chilled Jager, and this was at like 10" reported an anonymous party goer, and indeed the official version verifies the account. "What we saw out of Herm last night was legendary." eKlein's impossibly attractive female attendant Chloe reported Sunday "We had a verified incident of breakage in every room by Herm, we also had 2 separate confirmed vomits, and several burns. I had a 20 minuet conversation with Herm explaining that, yes you know me, look were in this picture together, no that's you, it was impressive material, Herm really stepped it up last night." All told the party was a 'smashing' success, abundant post party carnage and a 15 foot wine stain covering 2 walls. There was even the mature use of AstroGlide. Sunday saw a shackled MFH escorted to the Rude Ranch, match officials issuing him a suspension and advice to hydrate. Sunday also saw Good-e acquire an accute "tooth ache" and bow out of the second day of competition. Undaunted, the top three players converged on the Players Lounge at the agreed upon time of 4PM. "Hermy going sally was a shame," HeavyweightZed told reporters Sunday "I mean Day One had reduced the man, his fierce rhetoric had no bite and his tourney record had him with no points. From now on, walking away from a match will have consequences, I think all WOWNET readers have a 'get out of Herm's wrath free' card until he can somehow redeem himself." Indeed the MFH has gone underground, sources close to the Rude Ranch say there's a distinct lack of Rude in the air. The players moved ahead with plans and substituted AFM for T2, a move agreed upon by all players, and substituted the Mighty Cos, AKA my frickin' Leg is a Hammer, AKA Footloose, for Good-e. "He was just a warm body" eKlein stated this morning with a shrug. Day 2 saw hZ continue his domination of the Rodeo by remaining undefeated while Tilde the Yodler came in second overall with an enormous posting performance. eKlein finished 3rd overall, failing to beat hZ in the singularly definitive and controversial match of the day, which would have dramatically altered the leader board. "FIPA will hear about that debacle," Klein reported to WOWNET, "hZ gets some goon with a cannon for a leg to break AFM so I Tilt? No way." However FIPA officials are decided in the matter, issuing a statement this afternoon. In that statement they assert that since both players were forced to play the same machine, the playfield was level. Controversy or no, the final match between hZ and eKlein was a highlight, a close margin of victory which could have gone either way. In the end Zed was the victor, and both players had the satisfaction of posting. "That was a moment I won't ever forget," hZ told WOWNET Sunday night over shrimp and grits "Klein missed destroying Mars by one shot, with the EB lit. The margin of victory was that shot. Then at the end of a great match, the crowd roaring in me ears we both post and all 4 positions were WOW." The I-Town Rodeo showed the pinball fans of the world that there is brotherhood in competition and that the path of WOWism is strong. It also highlighted the crumbling status of the house of the Rude. "I can't even call that limp wristed bugger Rudeboy anymore, seems too tough," the Great Orange Hope stated this morning, "His play on Saturday put the crap in crapper, I've seen 2nd Grade Catholic School girls who could whip Hermy into shape. I think hZ's sister has a ferret that could beat Herm and I personally have a tattoo that could beat him." And so we close the final chapter on the Rodeo, some believing that the era of the Rudeboys is at an end. "Hermy can't stroke it when it counts ladies and gentlemen," hZ told reporters before ducking into his NYC bound limo this morning "that's the sad fact and you can print it." Look for breaking news and reaction from Little Ithaca later tonight.

 

-end transmission-

20001211

2154

aw

 

Subj:     Re: WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::::::::

Date:     12/11/2000 9:54:39 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    awilusz@avfx.com (Zed Wilusz)

Sender: awilusz@avfx.com (Zed Wilusz)

 

The Era of the RUDEBOYS has not and will not come to an end!!!

 

20001215

1815

ek

 

Subj:     ::::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::::

Date:     12/15/2000 6:15:32 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    staticTing@hotmail.com (The Epicenter of Pinball)

To:        wownet@listbot.com

 

PLEASE RSVP THE I-TOWN CHAMBER OF COMMERCE IF YOU PLAN TO ATTEND THE NEW

YEARS AFFAIR.

------------------

 

KLEIN TO HOST PHYSICS/TORSION/BALLET SYMPOSIUM AT CORNELL

 

ITHACA NY USA

12.15.00

 

In what is becoming less and less an honor, local professional pinball player eKlein, AKA LoneStar, AKA the MVP of the Player’s Lounge, AKA staticTing, has been asked to host a special holiday assembly at Cornell University. Entitled ‘Hands Planted Motion: The Art and Physics of the Dance Called Pinball’ the round table discussion and demonstration is slated to take place December 22nd at Goldwyn-Smith Hall on the Cornell Campus. Gary Webber of Cornell Inc. Public Relations promised that Klein’s lecture series would be limited to an 11 minute ‘monologue’ in which Klein would address the public in attendance. Klein will lecture in a casual Talk Show format with one hand in his pocket for effect, at times spontaneously pointing at nothing in particular. A brief list of scheduled events follows:

 

11:00a   Bailey’s + Coffee w/ Just A Taste Brunch w/ Mike Stark and the Orbiting Art Ensemble

            12:30p               Open Remarks with eKlein; Is This Ting On?

            12:42p               Smoke Break: w/ Klein and the MFH

            1:15p                Forge without Fire: Metal bending w/ Mighty Cos AKA Footloose

            2:15p                Thai Chi and the Stagger Lee: w/ eKlein

            3:30p                Top to Bottom Third by Third: w/ Good-e

            4:20p                If the Machines a-Rockin’: Rhythm, the Hips and BonusX. w/ eKlein

            4:45p                Smoke Break/Afterglow: w/ eKlein

            5:15p                Drink Special at the Player’s Lounge

 

Hands Planted Motion will be the first in a new series at Cornell entitled ‘Any Suggestions At All besides Pinball to the Masses?’ and many are hoping the new forum opens doors many others wish closed. Breaking News in I-Town has it that AFM has been put on the Injured/Inactive list following its brutal Sunday assault by Footloose. The machine has become so wobbly and unstable that TILT is inevitable. StaticTing and the Flaming Scotsman entered the Chanti on a fact-finding mission only to learn the worst. An emotional Scotsman had this to say this morning “I looked at the machine, heard a distinct whimper and then the ball served itself and immediately tilted. I have something in my eye this interview is over.” Paul Hewitt, of the Ithaca Winter Solstice Pinball Gala planning committee was reluctant to say what this meant for venue selection in the upcoming event. “The Chanti has long stood the Mecca, and with the MFH’s say in the matter dwindling daily it seems favorable that some part of the competition must take place there.” Klein greeted the media this morning in the foyer of his I-Town compound stating that he was excited by the Cornell announcement claiming he had “always thought safety goggles were funky.” Interpretations on his remarks were clarified when Chloe, Klein’s impossibly attractive German mistress, filled in the gaps, “during the Footloose demonstration eye and ear protection will be provided,” she stated “I mean have you ever seen HowitzerBoy bend metal on an anvil? I’ll be in the back.” Tickets for Friday the 22nd are $45 in advance, and $60 the day of the symposium.

 

20001213

1142

jp

 

Subj:     Re: ::::::::: WOWNET::::::::::::

Date:     12/13/2000 11:42:11 AM Eastern Standard Time

From:    JParadise@fda-online.com

 

.........:::::::::::::::::WOWNET – OFFICIAL TRANSMISSION::::::::::::::.........

 

NYC-12/13/00

 

A statement was just issued from the Paradise Lost office of operations,

 

"I am in the midst of my preperations to move to Canada for four yeas to wait the reign of terror George Dubya will undertake soon."

 

"However in advance of that move I wish to make two statements:

"One, I will accept Tonto's challenge for this Thursday evening 12/13/00 at the ACE Bar on Monster Bash....why there? I think the bartender is cute" "With Tontos acceptance we will tentatively schedule a 7:00pm start time and expect a better turnout than last week."

"Two, I wish to formally announce my tentative plans to most likely venture to Big Ithaca this coming New Years for all appropriate events and revelries." "Any questions or requests for personal appearances may be directed to this office" "And oh yeah..............I spanked Luscious Santa!" "VIVA BLOGNA"

 

.......::::::::::::::END TRANSMISSION:::::::::::::.............

 

20001213

1751

pi

 

Subj:     [wownet] :::::::WOWnet Update:::::::

Date:     12/13/2000 5:51:08 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    pimbres@bellatlantic.net (Peter Imbres)

 

WOWnet Update

 

Note: those of you that are cc:ed on this haven't signed up for the new improved WOWnet. Please go to wownet.listbot.com to sign up at your convenience (it takes 2 seconds). It makes things easier for everyone (even Matt Herman) in the long run. Thanx!

 

 

LUSCIOUS SANTA TO FACE HEAVYWEIGHT ZED IN PUBLICITY EVENT TO DRAW ATTENTION TO NEW YORK STATE SUPREME COURT DECISION

 

--Luscious Banished from Jury Duty After Expressing Wowist Theories Before High Ranking Government Officials-

 

New York, NY - 12/13/00 - History was made today as Luscious Santa descended upon the New York State Supreme Court building at 60 Centre Street in downtown Manhattan to express his feelings of resentment for the anti-Wowist sentiments of the high courts. Out of the denizens on hand for jury duty, Luscious Santa was a stand out for his unique fashion sense and willingness

to comment upon every issue that hit the floor. By the early afternoon he was a finalist for a spot on the jury for a case against the Manhattan Transit Authority but Luscious had other things on his personal agenda.

 

During the questioning Luscious frequently went off on various tangents completely unrelated to public transportation safety. It didn't take long before Luscious' tirades wore on the lawyers and he was abruptly dismissed from jury duty before the first day of his "minimum" required three-day

period was over. Things began to go awry when the lawyers questioned Luscious about his feelings towards personal injury settlements but things quickly snowballed to bigger issues like the legalization of drugs and topless dancing. The stenographer on hand was only able to record the

beginnings of Luscious' statements, which all began with either "If I was mayor I'd..." or "The problem with this puritan friggin' county is..."

 

When asked about the incident with Luscious, MTA prosecutor Cynthia Fernandez said, "Luscious Santa? You mean that crHZy bastard who kept standing up and yelling "shame on you" at me during my opening statements? I think he stole my Bush/Cheney 2000 fountain pen."

 

Luscious Santa refused to leave the issue alone after he was dragged from the courthouse and immediately set up a match with Wowist phenom HeavyweightZed to draw more attention to the issue. He stated that there will be little time for promotion due to the ongoing quest for the Wowist voice to be heard in the high courts and his desire to finish off a number of DiGiorno frozen pizzas before he leaves for the holidays.

 

Event: Luscious Santa vs. Heavyweight Zed

Place: Ace Bar, New York City

When: Thursday December 14th, 2000 7p.m.

Machine: Cactus Canyon

Note: Tonto and Paradise Lost will be facing off on Monster Bash at the same time. Mighty Quinn will be on hand later in the night to offer virgin sacrifices and latex bandanas to the winners.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Santa, Santa and Santa Law Offices

New York, NY

pimbres@bellatlantic.net

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

20001213

1803

jp

 

Subj:     Re: [wownet] :::::::WOWnet Update:::::::

Date:     12/13/2000 6:03:33 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    JParadise@fda-online.com

 

New York, NY - 12/13/00

 

Tonto Rides Off Into The Sunset.

 

This morning following the Paradise Lost statement Tonto issued a private concession to the Paradise administration. We received no clues as to the contents of that statement but our experts have hypothesized what was said: "Me Tonto...Me scared....me very very scared"

"I don't want to play because I am so very scared" Of course we cannot confirm this statement but .......we're pretty sure it went like that.

 

The bottom line....all attention now focuses on the LS vs. HZ. And they can use either machine.....or (gasp) both!

 

Some wowists have called for someone to battle LS on monster bash since in his own words:

"I'm just too good at it"

 

20001214

0827

mq

 

Subj:     RE: [wownet] :::::::WOWnet Update:::::::

Date:     12/14/2000 8:27:51 AM Eastern Standard Time

From:    MQuinn@Snowball.com (Mickie Quinn)

 

Tonto. Kimosabes help. Kimosabes slip Paradise sedatives. Tonto win. Kimosabes good.

 

20001214

1300

pi

 

Subj:     [wownet] :::::::Late-Breaking WOWnet News:::::::

Date:     12/14/2000 1:00:04 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    pimbres@bellatlantic.net (Peter Imbres)

 

MIGHTY QUINN STEPS TO THE PLATE

 

-Quinn to Take on Paradise Lost Tonight in Last Minute Challenge-

 

New York, NY - 12/14/00 - Peering down on New York City from her 3000 square foot office at the top of the Empire State Building, Mighty Quinn today boldly pronounced that she would take on Paradise Lost in Tonto's absence.

 

"Perhaps it's time for the women to step up, like the Great Orange Hope has done before me, or it may just be time to put the so-called Paradise back in his place," said Mighty Quinn as she tapped her diamond cane lightly on her altar before a half dozen scantily clad male servants. "I just want to make sure that my friends will step in and intervene if they see me slapping around and yelling 'perform bitch!' at anything other than a pinball machine. I want Paradise Lost to be able to put up a good fight and I know he's fragile."

 

Also, in an effort to promote the lifestyle of the WOWist elite, Mighty Quinn will be consuming sizable servings of alcohol at an off-premises xmas party prior to the event in order to prove, once and for all, that the sober practices of Paradise Lost are in no way an advantage. Even though many remember Paradise's statement last week saying "sometimes I have a beer when I'm playing darts in Brooklyn," high ranking WOWist officials are afraid that this wave of sobriety may catch on and eventually reach some of the game's most excitingly drunk players like eKlein and the Hermalope.

 

Event: Mighty Quinn vs. Paradise Lost

Where: Ace Bar

When: Tonight! 9:30 p.m.

Machine: Monster Bash

 

:::::::end transmission:::::::........

 

20001214

1314

jp

 

Subj:     Re: [wownet] :::::::Late-Breaking WOWnet News:::::::

Date:     12/14/2000 1:14:48 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    JParadise@fda-online.com

 

NYC - 12/14/00

 

Paradise Lost was just seen running around his office shouting "this is perfection!"

Apparently his office party is also this afternoon and the possibility of his imbibing one alcoholic beverage today might be possible. So spirits are high here and the last minute challenge promises to be a success.

 

20001214

1711

dj

 

Subj:     Re: [wownet] :::::::Late-Breaking WOWnet News:::::::

Date:     12/14/2000 5:11:04 PM Eastern Standard Time

From:    DJonas@mfi.com (David Jonas)

 

Prepares statement from Tonto's secret hideout:

 

"I commend the Mighty One on her willingness to step in for me on such short notice. She is a credit to WoW and admirably saved my ass the inevitable embarassment of my flake-dom. As such, all of us here at Tonto Central Headquarters are throwing our support to the Mighty One against the smug Paradise Lost. No offense, Mr. Lost."

 

"I also would like to confirm my participation in the New Year's extravaganza in Ithaca. Backing out of today's event should not be construed as fear or jitters, as some ill-founded press reports have claimed. Instead, I will be using the extra time to hone my skills in preparation of New Year's."

 

"Finally, I would like to annouce the first betting line recently released by pinball analysts in Vegas for tonight's match. Bet a bag of cheese goldfish on the Mighty One to win an arranged, private meeting with her (activities at the private meeting would be determined by the Mighty One herself). Or, bet a bottle of WoW-approved hand lotion on Paradise Lost to win a lifetime supply of Mad Dog. All other bets exclusively within the WoW community are condoned and even encouraged."

 

# # #

 

20001215

1429

HZ

 

Subj:     [wownet] ::::::::THURSDAY NITE PINBALL FIGHT UPDATE:::::::::

Date:     12/15/2000 2:29:38 AM Eastern Standard Time

 

ZED TOO FEEBLE TO CARRY ON

hZ has postoned tonite's matchup vs His Royal Lusciousness due to a fever. Said Zed "I wouldn't be able to drink properly anyway, so what's the point." hZ will instead work on healing himself for the Ithaca Winter Solstice Pinball Gala, scheduled to take place at some other time around New Years. hZ cordially challenges L Santa next week, however.

 

20001229

0831

HZ

 

Subj:     [wownet] you are invited...

Date:     12/29/2000 8:31:43 AM Eastern Standard Time

 

You have been invited to participate in the Winter Solstice Pinball Gala and Techno Dance Club Party.

 

Please dial the following phonenumber for additional information: 718 986 7166

 

Don't eat the brown acid!

 

200101013

1631

HZ

 

Subj: RE: [wownet] Herman takes Solstice

Date: 1/3/2001 4:31:05 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: zedz@jup.com

 

"Chose" indeed, Paradise. Chose, indeed. Perhaps next time you'll think

better of spending your precious time in Candor.

-hZ

20010103

1439

jp

 

 

 

Subj: Re: [wownet] Herman takes Solstice

Date: 1/3/2001 2:39:40 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: JParadise@fda-online.com

 

NYC - 1/3/01

 

Upon reading Herman's self inflating grandiose description Paradise Lost

was furthur infuriated.

"Had someone actually told me that that afternoons trip to the Chappy was

going to be an actual tourney,

I would have shown up earlier and school'd them all."

 

Although over the course of the weekend, Paradise fell from grace as the

only undefeated head to head match player.

Losing a heated match with the Lucious one, and a most unexpected upset to

Tonto.

Both matches on the suspiciously sanctioned Coney Island Machine.

Paradise said "I mean it's a great machine but there was this slipshod

piece of loose leaf paper that Lucious signed hastily,

to sanction match play on it."

 

Paradise Lost continued:

"Seriously that Hermalope was patting himself on the back mighty heartily,

'when I showed up at the chappy I was able to destroy everyone there.

'He of course had conveniently dissapeared by then....come to think of it I

haven't seen him since....

.....summer of 1996, he doesn't even exist as far as I'm concerned.

Man those guys were so drunk that a masturbating monkey could have beat

them on a freakin Barb Wire machine!"

Zed could barely stand...I mean they were surrounded by pinball machines

and well...they were playing phoosball!

"I walk in and the four of them have the freakin phoosball table completely

off the ground."

"I played those that could stand and won so.....if someone hadn't

conveniently forgotten to mention the tourney, well.......

...things would have turned out quite differently."

 

Paradise's next move was to make two upcoming challenges in order to fix

his damaged record:

 

One is to Tonto because "That little Sally has only played matches in

Good-E's freakin basement with Homer rather close to his butt"

 

The other is........the Commisioner. Because "It seems kinda funny to me

that she weilds all this power and has been rather quiet,

I think she needs to step up to the plate"

 

So there it is......Chose your machine, Chose your venue, Chose your Thurs,

Chose your time, and then lets do it!

20010103

1341

mh

 

 

 

Subj: [wownet] Herman takes Solstice

Date: 1/3/2001 1:41:50 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: zenwow_1999@yahoo.com (lester brown)

 

Matty Herman Finds Redemption at Year’s End

(Ithaca NY)

 

As the year came to a close I-town pinball luminary

Matty Herman proved that his legendary run in the

upper stratosphere of professional pinball is far far

from over with a stunning victory in the 1st annual

Winter Solstice Pinball Gala. Many pinball pundits had

theorized that Herman would be announcing his

retirement from Premier Divsion Pinball after his

humilating last place winless finish at the Ithaca

Rodeo in early December. Herman however showed that he

still has the stuff topping HeavyWeight Zed, Cos and

Luscious Santa en route to taking the gold at the

Solstice. Herman did fall in his last game to fellow

I-town player E-Klien in a meaningless yet highly

entertaining match. " With one tourney Matty Herman

has completely reversed his fortune and with this win

in addition to his second place finish at the Memorial

Day Masters he certainly builds a convincing case for

Ithaca Pinballer of the Year for 2000" offered Silver

Ball MagHZine editor Todd Duncan.

20010104

1627

HZ

 

Subj: [wownet] THURSDAY NITE PINABLL FIGHT

Date: 1/4/2001 4:27:32 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: zedz@jup.com

 

HeavyweightZed vs Luscious Santa

3 of 5 on Monster Bash

ACE Bar

6PM

 

Terms:

1 hZ may stumble and fall on his ass no more than 3 times durring the

tourney. Stumbling during warmup time does not count towards this total.

2 Luscious Santa is limited to a maximum of 5 incoherrent mumblings.

3 Each player is allowed a maximum of 6 Grope with the Popsies breaks.

4 Luscious Santa or a sanctioned delegate must wipe all wing sauce from the

flipper buttons and underarms after each turn.

20010104

1411

HZ

 

 

 

Subj: [wownet] ::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::

Date: 1/4/2001 6:11:28 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: zedz@jup.com

 

LUSCIOUS IN THE GUTTER OF WINTER SOLSTICE GALA

 

ITHACA NY USA. Despite a "tasty" victory over Paradise Lost on a hastily

sanctioned Coney Island game, His Illustrious Lusciousness found himself in

the gutter this weekend. "The last thing I remember," said Luscious at the

post tourney press room "was the word 'cookie' at the GoodE Complex. After

that, everything went black. Along with the last place finishes on the

pinball table, Santa was also reduced to a mere orange property at the Zen

Wowist Charity Monopoly Competition. He was later able to 'improve' his

state by combining with the awesome power of The Cost for a railroad and the

grey properties.

 

Do the grey properties represent a "low rent" Luscious year? Due to several

absences and lack of focus, Santa has gone through this year without any

major tournament wins.

 

Stay tuned for updates on Santa's hygene and new year's resolutions.

 

20010104

1613

djd

 

Subj: Re: [wownet] Question?

Date: 1/4/2001 4:13:27 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: DJonas@billcom.com

 

(Wire reports from the first annual Ithaca Solstice Pinball Fest)

 

Coney Island Up To Snuff

The first annual Ithaca Solstice Pinball tourney kicked off in grand style

at the residence of GoodE after Luscious Santa officially ordained 'Coney

Island.' Though some anonymous WOWists question the presence of an official

site within another WOWists quarters, 'Coney Island' showed no bias. Said

one unnamed participate. "She giveth and she taketh away, no matter who you

are." Even so, GoodE showed what home-machine advantage is all about by

easily defeating Tonto in the first match on 'Coney Island,' an early

tournament match.

 

Tonto Joins The Fray

The pinball gala held recently in Ithaca, New York signalled the beginning

of match play for the heretofore unknown Tonto. The normally reclusive

blueberry addict finished the tournament 1-4, dropping a pair to both

Luscious Santa himself and GoodE before burrowing into the victory column

with an impressive lashing of Paradise Lost. Though most industry observers

scoff at a .200 winning percentage, an elated Tonto screamed above his Big

Red O-induced state to scream, "Its the best we could have hoped for!"

Though Tonto did not have an opportunity to match his newly found talent

with HeavyweightZed, E-Klein, eventual winner Matty Herman or other WOWists

in time for the gala, his current winning streak leaves the door open for

future surprises. Indeed, a banner at Tonto headquarters awaited his return

and proclaimed, "We Go, We Lose. We Go Again, We Lose Again. We Go Again

and Again, We Eventually Win. Huzzah!" Tonto has not been heard from since

and was last scene mumbling about leather pants.

 

HeavyZ Shows Fashion Sense

HeavyweightZed this past weekend at the Ithaca Solstice pinball tournament

was seen sporting a pair of skin-tight black leather pants with a crHZed

grin on his face. Though no official complaint has been lodged, and no

statement has been released by Luscious Santa or the commissioners office,

several WoWists were heard

complaining that the look was too much to handle and hindered match play.

HeavyZ was unaware he was even wearing pants.

 

---End report---

 

20010104

1633

dj

 

Subj: Re: [wownet] THURSDAY NITE PINABLL FIGHT

Date: 1/4/2001 4:33:35 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: DJonas@billcom.com

 

Bet three Wendy's bacon cheeseburgers on Luscious to win all that extra

wing sauce mopped off the flippers and underarms. Bet soccer tickets to

Liverpool vs. Newcastle to win HeavyZ's leather pants.

 

 

20010104

1737

jp

 

Subj: [wownet] ::::::WOWNET - Exclusive:::::

Date: 1/4/2001 5:37:41 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: JParadise@fda-online.com

 

1/3/01 - NYC

 

HEAVYWEIGHT ZED AND SPANISH PHLY INVOLVED IN STRANGE RITUAL

 

This just in.....

In place of an absent LS, Paradise Lost will be taking on HZ in a Thursday

Night Pinball Fight.

Tonights TNPF will begin promptly at 7 pm so that HZ can meet a "prior

engagement".

Paradise Lost said "Something funny is going on there,"

"Zed said he has to go some hydraulic-therapy massage session with the

'orange one'. "

"I mean what the hell is that! The leather pants are bad enough but this is

real weird."

"Before we know it he'll be reading Pottery-Barn Catalogs."

 

So if your interested TNPF @ Ace Bar tonight....7pm

 

20010104

1459

pi

 

 

 

Subj: [wownet] Winter Solstice Pinball Gala etc.

Date: 1/4/2001 2:59:51 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: pimbres@bellatlantic.net (Peter Imbres)

 

WINTER SOLSTICE PINBALL GALA HIGHLIGHTS

 

- see Web page for updates -

 

Tourney - As snow fell steadily on I-Town, the scene was set for a memorable

pre-New Years tourney. Pillars of the Wowist community came from as far

away as Trumansburg to write another chapter in the history of pinball and

feed the local beverage economy with their dirty money. The venue was the

beloved Chapter House, a place where Cos is both feared and respected and

then feared once more. One would think that the advantage would be with him

but that would be to overlook his poor stagger lee technique and senseless

post-drain tantrums. Indeed, it was not his day to shine.

 

All eyes were on Hermalope due to his poor showing in the I-Town Rodeo.

Some fans were even heckling Herm by encouraging him to join the Challenge

Industries league. At first onlookers were shocked when he ordered a coke

with two lemons from the bar but then Hermalope pricked his finger to reveal

that his heart was currently pumping in excess of three liters of pure

Bacardi 151 and the coke was merely to dilute it in order to restore

temporary consciousness. All fears were subsided when Herm stepped up to

the Terminator 2 machine and preceded to beat every opponent short of a

final match to the previously eliminated eKlein, who seemed more intent on

scaring away other patrons with large clouds of reefer than playing pinball.

 

Aside from the Hermalope awards ceremony, the near capacity crowd was also

treated to a series of yellow flags issued to Luscious Santa after

attempting to play his opponents extra balls under an IPA-induced stuper.

The post-game festivities included an exhibition match of Ultra-Violent

Foosball and an intricate stumbling routine by Heavyweight Zed. Later,

select members of the press were invited to eKlein's for a complimentary

roll on the Physio-Ball. No refunds were given.

 

Other league-sanctioned matches-

 

Luscious Santa - 3

Cos - 2

A final ball thriller on World Cup Soccer at the Chapter House. After being

deemed an "up and coming young chap" by Heavyweight Zed, Cos couldn't muster

up enough sauce to put away the sleep depraved Luscious Santa.

 

Tonto - 2, 0, 1

GoodE - 3, 3, 3

At the request of Tonto, no details will be given from this pistol-whipping

on Coney Island in the Goodmark basement except to say...d'oh!

 

Luscious Santa - 3

Tonto - 0

Tonto falls again on the Coney Island machine to a freshly showered Luscious

Santa.

 

Tonto - 3

Paradise Lost - 1

Tonto finally finds an opponent sober enough to become consumed with

frustration by Coney Island's analog shortcomings. Rumor has it that Tonto

was using ancient Chinese performance enhancing drugs.

 

Paradise Lost - 1

Luscious Santa - 3

The Lusciousness continues as Paradise takes another step down the ladder of

shame. Two new potential nicknames were coined for Mr. Paradise, Drainzilla

and Count Drainula. Average drain time on a Paradise launch: 1.32 seconds.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

WoWnet East Coast New Bureau

New York, NY

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

20010104

1815

ek

 

 

 

Subj: [wownet] ::::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::::

Date: 1/4/2001 6:15:07 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: staticTing@hotmail.com (The Epicenter of Pinball)

 

FIPA THREATENS TO REVOKES RUDE STATUS:

 

ITHACA NY USA

01.04.01

 

"The man had 2 or 3 Pepsi's before ducking out early to appease the wife" Klein said in his closing statements to the FIPA representatives assembled in the City Municipal Building on Clinton Street. When pressed about how rude Herman had been at his I-Town compound Klein could only state that at one point "Herman had tracked snow across [his] kitchen." Klein closed with this lengthy diatribe while repeatedly pointing at the assembly, "Where was Herman at dawn on New Years Day?, Where was Herman for Whirlwind and the Insta-hZ-tilt match? when in the last month, besides Rodeo54 which was arguable rudeness and more like The Special Olympics of Funk, has Herman exhibited anything approaching rude? I might also add that there are no Jade Garden leftovers in the fridge with Herms name on them and no other player can say that." Other witnesses claimed to have seen Herman pricing a 'I-Town Player of the Year 2000' tattoo, which Herman has sadly claimed for himself. Todd Duncan of Pinball in America had this to say, "Winning the Winter Solstice was crucial for Herman, but not to seal his I-Town 2000 claim, it was to save him from a year long slide and give him something to build on for the '01 season. In his giddy ability to post WOWnet messages again Herman has lost vision of how much ground he has lost." Klein, AKA The Mayor of PopsiTown AKA It Takes a Village AKA The "Harm" in Harmony, was seen after giving his testimony writing a female stenographer's phone number on the back on an Appearance Ticket for public urination. WOWnet caught up with him there when Klein stated "Who her? she's the popsi from New Years with the firm nubile buttocks, you mean Herman? tell him anytime any day. T2 best of 5"

 

WHAT: HERMAN Vs. EKLEIN

WHERE: THE CHAPTER HOUSE

WHEN: NEXT TIME HERM CAN=20 CARPOOL

TIME: BEFORE HERM's BEDTIME

MACHINE: T2

PLAY: BEST OF 5

 

--wownet digital news

 

:::::::END TRANSMISSION:::::::::

 

20010104

1426

mh

 

Subj: [wownet] Question?

Date: 1/4/2001 2:26:55 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: zenwow_1999@yahoo.com (lester brown)

 

Greetings,

 

I have a question. I ran into an old friend on the

Commons and he told me that Dave Y. won the OUT

MagHZine Pinballer of 2000 Award. Can anyone confirm

this or possibly send me a copy of the article. You go

Dave!!!!!!!!!!

 

the MFH

" nasty boys don't mean a thing"

 

20010104

1050

HZ

 

Subj: [wownet] :::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::

Date: 1/4/2001 10:50:51 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: Zed@aol.com

 

ZED EATS LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD, PASSES OUT

 

ITHACA NY USA. In a self-sacrificing gambit to re-establish that rudeness

and the WOW are often are two pickles of the same barrel, HeavyZ drank

himself into a stupor before eating day old chinese food stowed away in the

kitchen of EKlein's exclusive Rodeo54 Club. "Well, the drink kept me rude,"

hiccuped Zed, "and the Chinese food fulfilled me with a strong sense of the

WOW." Zed further pushed the WOW envelope by eating the exact same food yet

another day later. The food was consumed within minutes of waking himself on

the morning of the New Year and only two hours before a gravy breakfast with

a side of chicken fingers at the State.

 

"Roight," wheezed HeavyZ from the VIP Lounge of Rodeo54, "after an

envigorating "snail slouch" on the Physioball me Tildie and Ek hit the diner

to 'prep the reuben,' if you will." Although reuben prepping of various

types had been scheduled for late new years eve, Zed passed out after a mere

flask and 14 whiskies and loss of coat. He made up for the lack of Snowmen

that were imbibed after he passed out by eating a 75% gravy breakfast the

next morning. Nutriotionists at the Berkely School of Biological Studies

reported that the meal reduced HeavyZ's lifespan by 6 months.

 

-wownet digital news

 

20010105

1900

HZ

 

 

 

Subj: [wownet] ::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date: 1/5/2001 7:00:04 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: zedz@jup.com

 

THE DAWN OF A SOBER NEW ERA

01.4.2001

ACE BAR, NYC. Paradise Lost defeated HeavyweightZed in ball five of game five at the ACE Bar last night, further promoting his troubling reign of sobriety. Paradise Lost, once an E eating Raver with an appetite for destruction has recently traded in his sordid past for a shining new moralty and a head position in President Elect Bush's Righteous Pinball Council. The council is dedicated to "teaching America's youth that it is OK to have fun with pinball and that you don't need drugs or damp panties to do so."

The match itself had a thrilling Game One, in which hZ came back from near impossible odds on ball five to take the game. Paradise reverted to his secret identity as Sir Drains-a-lot in Game 3, but gave Z a bit of the roger in games 2 and 4. HeavyZ was behind for all of Game 5, but his last-ball rally only but him a few points ahead of Paradise, who handily took the match within a minute of his ball 5.

Paradise had requested new minimums for the Pinball Fights, such as a minimum amount of bible reading and charity work prior to each match, but HeavyZ would not budge.

Although Paradise certainly earned his victory in a hard-won match, this event begs the question: What has happened to the Wowists? The MFH, once a wowist but can't remember it since that nasty incident with the brown acid and the lines of Special K and Planet James, recently took the Winter Gala as a sober contestant, and Paradise lost continues his hapless domination in the New York Fights. This author remembers a time when winning a pinball match meant that you could vomit and drink and vomit again. And then stand up and play a pinball match, dammit. This author remembers a time when the Wowists spent more money on recreational drugs than on rent or debt to friends. Herman, once the Golden White Boy-Child of Rio De Janiero, will occasionaly smile weakly at the mention of the Hermoloupe, the dance sensation of his own funky creation. And TT, god bless his soul, is certainly up in heaven and smiling about that time he fell asleep in his clothes in a little ball under Dimensia b/c he thought the Student Loan people wouldn't find him there. Later on, Chilusz accidently swept TT up into a dustpan and threw him out. "I thought he was a little dust bunny," said Chilusz, "or perhaps some lint that Bubba had cleaned out of his belly button."

-wownet digital news.

 

20010105

2211

mh

 

 

 

Subj: [wownet] the greatest ever

Date: 1/5/2001 10:11:50 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: zenwow_1999@yahoo.com (lester brown)

 

Zed check out this site:

http://www.compusmart.ab.ca/icorry/

 

the rest of you sad sacked losers should go to and

give praise to the greatest( and an irishman to boot)

 

20010109

1403

mh

 

 

 

Subj: [wownet] something to think about

Date: 1/9/2001 2:03:07 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: zenwow_1999@yahoo.com (lester brown)

 

here's a little George Best nugget for all you to

nibble on:

As one bit of apocrypha has it, a bellhop wandered

into Best's Spanish resort hotel suite, where the

erstwhile genius was cavorting on the bed with two

lovely young admirers, champagne at the ready and a

night's winnings from the casino strewn across the

room. The bellhop, it is said, asked Best, "But

Georgie, where did it all go wrong?" Best is reputed

to have gestured around the room and replied

ironically, "You tell me, son."

 

MFH

 

20010109

1554

mh

 

Subj: [wownet] Tuesday Night Fixture

Date: 1/9/2001 3:54:22 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: zenwow_1999@yahoo.com (lester brown)

 

E-Klien vs MFH

 

place: Chapter House

 

machine: T2

 

time: 7pm

 

format: best of five

 

comments: Klien steps into the lion's den in a best of

five showdown against the always unpredictable Matty

Herman. If plan on watching this one get there on time

as it could be over in three.

 

 

20010109

1646

mh

 

Subj: [wownet] news flash

Date: 1/9/2001 4:46:28 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: zenwow_1999@yahoo.com (lester brown)

 

Klien Sent Home Early From Work

 

Sources close to Toxic Targeting report that Eric

Klien aka E-Klien aka Pop Secret was dismissed from

work early Tuesday afternoon. "He reeked of urine and

was shaking. Apparently he had pissed himself

repeatedly out of fear of his upcoming meeting with

the Hermalope. Walter just took one look at him and

asked him to leave" reported a Toxic Targeting

employee who declined to be identified.

 

 

20010109

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HZ

 

 

 

Subj: [wownet] ::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::

Date: 1/9/2001 4:55:32 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: zedz@jup.com

 

KLEIN SHOWS UP EARLY ENOUGH TO LEAVE EARLY

ITHACA NY USA. Sources report that Eklein, aka Sir Popsalot, apparently showed up at work early enough to be excused early today. "Usually Klein will stagger in at about 1PM," said manager Tobey Johanananason. "But today he showed up at like 11am, and so we had no problem letting him leave early. His 3 hours of work was complete by 2PM."

 

20010110

1434

HZ

 

Subj: [wownet] :::::::::THURSDAY NITE PINBALL FIGHTS:::::::::::::::::

Date: 1/10/2001 2:34:28 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: zedz@jup.com

 

Yes, it's the match you've all be waiting for... a REMATCH between the Soul Survivors of the Luscious Santa Death March!!

Who: HeavyweightZed vs BUTZ

When: Thursday, Jan 11 at 730PM (social hour scheduled prior to match time)

Where: The Raven

Comments: hZ and BUTZ go mano e butzo on a new mystery machine at the Raven! Spankedelic excitement is guaranteed! Will hZ step out of the loss column? Will BUTZ step into the world of the Thursday fixture? Will Miss Tilves be crowned Miss Rude Universe 2000? Put on your protective eye gear and watch two of Manhattan's top players beat the crap out of an untested machine!!

 

HeavyweightZed

Jackpot Analyst

Doubleslow Laboratories

HZed@jup.com, 917.534.6330

 

20010110

1530

ek

 

 

 

Subj: [wownet] :::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::::::::::

Date: 1/10/2001 3:30:45 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: staticTing@hotmail.com (The Epicenter of Pinball)

 

KLEIN EATS SOUP, DRINKS COFFEE

 

ITHACA NY USA

01.10.01

 

Last night the legendary Chapter House and equally timeless T2 were the

scene of a pinball showdown. The MFH, aka Georgie Best's Spit Cup, aka

UrinalCake, was to take on eKlein, aka Spankyou, aka The 'Ram' in

ConsecutiveRamps, both brought what they had to the table in a best-of-5

I-Town decision maker. In what was Ithaca's first pinball fight of the new

year, the MFH lost his claim of dominance on the August 1991 classic losing

2-3 to Klein in a pro-sports spectacular. Game 1 saw Herman crack open the

first of what would be several can-of-whoop-arse, posting 114million to

easily take the match. Herman repeated his high level of play in Game 2

taking Klein by over 40million with a score above 55. Klein, down 0-2, was

now only hoping to not loose 0-3. "At this point Klein was in a corner that

only he could fight his way out of" stated Jim Patla of The SilverBall

network, "Herman was playing well, at home, on his machine." At 7:18, Klein

served the first ball in Game 3, a game he had to win, or else admit

Herman's superiority. "The ramp work we witnessed in Game 3 was nothing

short of stellar," Richie McLowe of XtraBalls! reported after the match

"Klein pulled himself out of the gutter with solid play." However, Klein

was still one loss away from defeat. Game 4 was crucial to both competitors

since Herman would loath a loss after a 2-0 start and Klein would be

embarrassed if the match didn't go to the full 5 games. On ball 3, Herman

put forth a Herculean effort to top Klein and posted 39 million with an EB.

Klein, at 4 million, was again with his back against the wall. "Klein put

$50 on the bar and asked for a shot of 20 year-old whiskey" John Shaefer of

the Chapter House told WOWnet, "I made it a double and ordered him some

Chinese food." When Klein was sufficiently steadied he served his last

ball, a ball that would change the momentum of the match. Klein posted 42

million and leveled the match to 2-2. "After Game 4 Klein never looked

back." Klein reported from the Chapter House. Game 5 saw Klein overtake a

now flat Mattie Herman with 2 EB's, payback, and a 77million point victory.

"What we saw last night was the best competitive play in I-Town, even

pre-dating the Memorial Masters," Todd Duncan of the Silverball GHZette

told WOWnet "all 5 games were high scoring and competitive except for

Herman's monster Game 1, Klein showed patience, maturity and above all

considerable knowledge and dexterity on T2 so that for once in an I-Town

tournament the winner won instead of the loser beating themselves." Klein

and his impossibly attractive mistress Chloe held a press conference this

morning at his compound at which time the shapely 6' 2'' model read a

prepared statement for the assembled media. "Klein has worked diligently

over the past 6 months, and arguably 6 years, to establish himself at the

Chapter House, what with well placed bar and kitchen staff and his

continued wood carving and all, so that this victory makes his claim that

the Chapter House is as home to him as any venue in the city convincing.

Klein tips his hat to the MFH for last nights match, but states for the

record that this victory was no fluke." Chloe then played the Wasp classic

Manimal, the MFH's long time favorite song, before telling reporters that

Klein left work after 3 hours yesterday after "massive sweating" from the

over application of a "desensitizing agent" by Chloe for a "lengthy and

intimate spar with the more shapely members of IC women's lacrosse team" in

the down-covered confines of his "Lovenasium". For the duration of the

press conference, Klein drank Chilean coffee while consuming Chicken Fiesta

soup, only pausing to answer this reporters question of "did the victory

feel good?". "That victory was business," Klein responded with a sideways

glance, "anything less would be an affront to my lifestyle and it is indeed

ingrained in my lifestyle to be surrounded and engulfed in pleasure. The

Hermaloupe will challenge again and it will please me to beat him again."

Klein then offered hash and tobacco cigarettes to anyone who wanted and bid

us all farewell.

 

--wownet digital news

 

:::::::END TRANSMISSION:::::::::

 

 

20010116

1836

ek

 

 

 

Subj: [wownet] ::::::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS::::::::::::

Date: 1/16/2001 6:36:44 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: staticTing@hotmail.com (The Epicenter of Pinball)

 

VIDE MAKES CRYPTIC REMARKS FROM ACROSS ATLANTIC

 

ITHACA NY, USA

01.16.01

 

International operators took several hours out of their busy schedules Sunday to make the difficult security inquiries in order to gain access to the direct line of eKlein's I-Town compound. Klein, AKA the Commander-in-Chief of POPeration BumpBack the Night= , received said inquires at approximately 6:27pm EST from the town Leixlip of the County Kildare from the Midlands of Ireland. Leixlip, the 12th century hamlet bordering the river Liffey, had an important message for Klein, AKA the WhiskeyCyclone. Operators reported that long time friend Vide, AKA Macrame-the-day-away, was drunk on Guinness stout and attempting to contact Klein from the Lord John Russell Pub. Apparently Vide "just wanted to thank" Klein for dedicating his victory over the MFH to him, as well as to declare that upon returning state side, "challenges [would] be made". The conversation, which lasted approximately 41 seconds, cost Klein a staggering $12,749 plus any applicable taxes or regulatory charges. "Christ sake Davy-boy, send a postcard next time," Klein was overheard muttering later that night at the Chanti-Chanti where he was seen bring recently acquired knowledge of TwilightZone to bear on the new acquisition. "I didn't even get to speak at the Commish." The new machine ends a 16 day strike which Klein had vowed to uphold until some decent machines were put back in the Mecca. On New Years Day Klein posted this ultimatum on the Chanticlaer door: "Indianapolis 500 and a busted AFM is not enough to overcome the otherwise "waiting for death" atmosphere this place has. Put in some goddamn classics or I take my business elsewhere. P.S. i can be reached at the Chapter House. Your friend eKlein" Monday night was Klein's first visit of '01.

 

--wownet digital news

 

:::::::END TRANSMISSION:::::::::

 

20010116

1918

pi

 

 

 

Subj: [wownet] Vide Sacrafices National Security

Date: 1/16/2001 7:18:37 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: pimbres@bellatlantic.net (Peter Imbres)

 

Telegram from the WoWist Security Council

 

01-16-01 --- 23:14 --- In support of his new book, "Testosterone Can't Keep

Me Out of the Kitchen: A Tribute to Casseroles," and a desire to share his

pinball skills with other Anglo-Saxon areas of the world, Vide, aka Italian

Paws, aka The First Lady of Little Ithaca, crossed the Atlantic ocean in

order to spread the good word to the old country. Due to a

miscommunication, the Prime Minister of France began extensive preparations

to welcome Vide in a ceremony underneath the Eiffel Tower.

 

"We're looking forward to receiving Vide and his lovely female companion,"

said the Pierre LaRouche, Prime Minister of France. "In fact, we're

preparing a Medieval Madness machine made completely out of crepes for the

occasion."

 

Unfortunately, the expensive ceremony was all for nothing when it was

revealed that Vide was visiting Ireland and had no plans to see France in

the immediate future. Apparently, officials in France thought that Vide was

going to be visiting France with his girlfriend, Kathy Ireland, when in

reality he was visiting Ireland with his girlfriend, Lindsay France.

 

It should be noted that while Lindsay France, aka The Commish, has not

appeared on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, she has

graced the cover of the August 1998 issue of Full Tilt MagHZine sprawled

across a Scared Stiff machine wearing nothing but two strategically placed

Jack Daniels bandanas.

 

....end of transmission...

 

20010117

1522

jf

 

Subj: [wownet] Thurs. Night Pinball Fights (1/18)

Date: 1/17/2001 3:22:19 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: jtf27@nyct.net (Justin Frohwirth)

 

Tomorrow, Jan. 18:

 

He Who Has No Name vs. Heavyweight Zed

best of five on Champion Pub

the Raven, 194 Ave A at 12th St.

cheap cocktails and beer at 6:00 (happy hour runs 'til 8:00)

play to begin an hour later

 

Fun Facts:

 

1. Unlike most WOWists, He Who Has No Name did not attend Ithica College,

but his brother does, so he feels some distant relation to all you cow

tippers.

 

2. He Who Has No Name's win will affirm the power and glory that he felt

when he easily avoided getting laid off on Jupiter Media Metrix's

soon-to-be-infamous Black Wednesday.

 

3. Heavyweight Zed's defeat will give him a taste of the coming doom when

said "new media" company drops most of their consultants and he is reduced

to begging on the streets of Williamsburg for pinball change.

 

4. He Who Has No Name has never played Champion Pub, but neither had he

ever played Junkyard before the 12-hour Luscious Santa Invitiational

debacle, where he clearly dominated that machine at

leather-pants-wearing Heavyweight Zed favorite "The Bar".

 

Justin

 

20010118

0122

HZ

 

Subj: [wownet] :::::::::WOWNET DIGITAL NEWS:::::::::::

Date: 1/18/2001 1:22:38 AM Eastern Standard Time

From: Zed@aol.com

 

HZ DRINKS WHISKEY, SPELLS ITHACA CORRECLTY

 

NEW YORK CITY. Pinball sensation HeavyweightZed drank some whisky tonite,

local authorites reported. "Roight," said Zed when accosted outside the

trendy-but-not-too-trendy Von bar on East Bleeker street. His slurred speach

was translated through Miss Tilves, who -as predicted- was crowned Miss Rude

Universe 2000 at the recent Rude Cosmopolitan Event held in Zed's pants last

week.

 

"I thought that a bit of whiskey would do me ohlright, seeing as 'ow it's

done me ohlright for thuh past sev'ral years now. I'll be drinking whiskey

tomorrow as well, mate," said Zed. "As fo' he who 'as no name... well... I

sincerely hope he enjoys a bit of whiskey. And that he finds 'is name. And

that 'is name enjoys whiskey as well."

 

Zed then proceeded to whiz "Ithaca" into a patch of black snow that still

remains on the corner of Bleeker and Bowery.

 

-wownet digital news

 

20010118

1808