THIS WEEK IN PINBALL: 1983

 

Team Pleasant Narrowly Avoids League Suspension

 

MARCH 15, 1983. LEEDS, ENGLAND.

 

Bob Costas: The date was March 28^th, 1983, and the original Team Pleasant were the guests of ninth ranked Leeds in a Premiership League match. After two seasons of unprecedented domination, the Dreds had finally hit a slump and were ranked 11^th at the time. Although nothing prior to the match lent itself to a prediction of history, a quote from the post-match interview with Mattie Herman sets the scene for what would become a classic tale from one of the most unprofessional teams in all of professional sports, Team Pleasant:

 

[Scene switches to 1983 Herm, with styled mullet and wide collar. One of Herm’s eyes is bruised]

 

Herm: Ah, well we got to town later than expected because Chilusz had us stop in London, to meet up with Pete.

 

Interviewer: Sorry, then... Pete?

 

Herm, with slight twitch: Right. Pete Tosh. He had a gig at The Hall that night and Chilusz had wanted to pop in and say hello. We had argued that there wasn’t the time, but Chilusz pointed out that Zed had been allowed to attend The Children of The Holy Mollusk Religious Revival last week. To be fair, we went. Chilusz got up on stage and did Downpresser Man with Tosh. It was brilliant, of course, but come noon the next day, we couldn’t find Damberg. We searched behind all the couch cushions in the hotel suite, called the hospital, the jail... We even called a McDonalds at Piccadilly. It wasn’t until the day was half over that we found him in the shower.

 

Interviewer: In the shower? I would think that would be the first place to look for the young, er, casanova.

 

Herm: Well, yes, we did look for him there first.... Turns out we had been looking right at him, but thought he was one of those littul back-scrubbing brushes that had been left in the corner of the tub. It wasn’t until we saw the nearby cigarette that we realized it was Damberg.

 

[Back to Costas]

 

Costas: Despite Herm’s somewhat cavalier description of being a ‘little late,’ The Dreds really had only a few hours’ time before first plunger at the Leeds Stadium. And as more precious time was spent ringing out and blowdrying TT, they realized that they had to move.

 

[Costas turns to face second camera]

 

Costas: It had been only an average season for the Dreds thus far, and FIPA had actually threatened the team with league suspension earlier in the season when they simply did not show up for a match. I’m sure most viewers will recall that the Dreds missed the match because they received their infamous order of custom-made slip-and-slide body suits that morning. Testing of the suits on an enormous slip-and-slide tarmac began at about 11am, in plenty of time for an 8pm home match. The tarmac covered 6 acres of country land owned by Herman [cut to helicopter view of enormous yellow tarmac in isolated country land-- then a quick image of a ticket for that day’s match: Team Pleasant vs. Crystal Palace-- then back to Costas] Although the first slip-and-slide-on-slip-and-slide runs were, as Zed put it, “thrilling enough to make one wet his pants” [smirk from Costas] rescue teams were eventually called in to help the Dreds remove themselves from the vast, frictionless sea of yellow into which they had thrown themselves.

 

[Cut to TT in yellow slip and slide suit, w/ hood, feet and mittens. An EMT worker is hurriedly unzipping TT. Flashing lights and emergency equipment can be seen in background, along with photographers and TV cameras.]

 

EMT Tech 1: He’s dehydrated and malnourished!! Get me an IV here quick! He’s fading fast!

 

Damberg: Give me a cigarette, dammitt! You better be putting coffee in that IV!

 

EMT Tech 2: Hey, Can I get your autograph? You were awesome in the Olympics, mate. Will never forget it. You’ll make it out to “Me friend, Milford” then, eh? eh?

 

Damberg: Are you a cigarette? Are you a big talking, fucking cigarette? With a hole?

 

Local TV News Interviewer: Mr Damberg, how do you feel? Do you realize you have missed tonite’s match against Crystal Palace?

 

Damberg: My only regret is that I didn’t take several more large bonghits and then hire a few big blokes to just heave me across it. It was one of the best moments of me life... [pauses, with far away look in his eye], if you don’t count the three hours of frictionless hell that followed. We tried to wiggle to the edge but.. but... the tarp was too vast... [Damberg begins to weep...] I wish we had thrown a few packs of American Spirits into the center first...

 

[Back to Costas]

Costas: So, after missing that match, the Dreds were out to prove that they took the league’s sanctions seriously. Getting to the Leeds match on time and with a full squad was their top priority. In his biography, Touch Me Where I Whiskey, Zed records the fateful sentiments of the team upon finding Damberg: [Costas reads from book, finger pointing to the actual page.] “We eventually found TT in the shower. Although he was, for a change, well hydrated, our captain clearly needed a pick me up.”

 

[Cut to black and white photo of TT in 1982. Apparently at a party and passed out on a couch in his clothes. A lit cigarette is hanging out of his mouth. Elvis Costello and Farah Faucett sit at other end of couch in animated conversation]

 

Costas voice-over: A pick me up indeed. But the comedy of errors had hardly begun for the Pleasant Street Dreds during this week in 1983.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK: MOUNTAIN DEW, THE HEAVYWEIGHTZED WHISKEY REVIVAL TOUR, SLIM JIM, VAZ, PARADISE WATER FILTERS

 

Costas: The year was 1983. Team Pleasant, in a sincere attempt to avoid league suspension must arrive on time to a league match against Leeds United. An all nite party with Peter Tosh has, however, rendered the Dreds late. To compound the situation, the remaining three members must revive a soggy and undercaffinated Damberg. Chilusz, in a 1990 interview with Barbara Walters, fills us in on what happened in the limo out to Leeds Stadium.

 

[Cut to Chilusz, sitting in a comfortable wicker chair in an apparently tropical estate. Birds chirp. Chilusz, with black silk shirt, goatee, slick ponytail, and a few expensive rings, sits with hands folded under chin.]

 

Chilusz: Zeddy had meant to give TT an enormous dose of ephedrine to wake him up. But Zed had been drinking wine for the last twelve hours instead of whiskey and so he wasn’t thinking clearly. [pauses and draws on large joint...] Instead, he gave TT a great big dose of something called “Lassitude Type 6.”

 

Walters, tilting her head with thoughtful expression: Lassitude Type 6?

 

Chilusz: Yesss. Later on to be known as Xanax. This was an early prototype from our friends at The Lab. It wasn’t to make its public debut for several years still.

 

Walters: Oh! Xanax! Well, I think I’ve heard of that! [laughs, with feigned humor in eyes] Whiskey and wine I know about [leans forward to touch Chilusz’s knee], but who can keep up with you... pinball players?

 

Chilusz: Barbara, you really ought to take this. [smoke pours from mouth and fills bulk of camera’s view]

 

Walters: [Coughing – wincing] Oh!

 

[Costas in studio]

Costas: When we come back, The Father of Modern Pinball struggles for his life... In a fatalist sort of way.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK: LUSCIOUS SANTA LIQUID CHICKEN WINGS, THE TT TACO FROM TACO BELL, REAL DOLL, 80’S DANCE CRAZE HITS FEATURING THE BRAZILIAN DANCE CRAZE – THE HERMALOUP

 

Costas: In the limo and speeding towards Leeds, Damberg, the world pinball celebrity and captain of Team Pleasant, was conscious, and therefore as game ready as could be expected during this point of his career. None of the Dreds could have predicted what would happen next.

 

[Cut to Damberg. Top right corner of screen reads “File Footage: 1985]

 

Damberg: Yeah. I remember that, sort of... Heh-heh-heh-heh. [rolls eyes towards back of head in an effort of recollection] They woke me up... We were in a limo... And we were going to the match! [points off camera at interviewer with enthusiasm]. I was like, so hungry for a snack....

 

[studio]

Costas: Although Damberg would never be able provide much more information than that, an interview some ten years later with Herman and Zed would provide additional insight.

 

[Herm and Zed, sitting on lush red couch on all-black stage. Kurt Loder sits in plush red chair. Courtesy of MTV appears on bottom of screen]

 

Herm: After we had dried him off a bit, Chilusz brought him to the limo in a fireman’s carry. TT had not eaten since the chicken parm sub and coke from last season. I think he was going on about how he needed a little snack. I think I recall that we, er, thought it was fantastic, thinking, as it were, that we'd just pumped the little feller full of speed, or so we’d thought! [laughs a wheezing laugh] We thought he would be match ready!! [wheezes even harder in humor, and begins to cough violently – camera cuts quickly to Loder, who attempts to keep a straight face but winces and tries to turn away as Herm’s hacking worsens into something that is just shy of a 911 call. ]

 

[Camera switches to Zed, who is slapping Herm’s back]

Zed: Right. So we dug around in Chilusz's rasta cap a bit, [Zed pauses to pull a flask from his breast pocket and offers it to Herm] and tucked in with a spare djembe and Sara Parker was a Snicker's bar and some cotton candy.

 

[back to Costas]

 

Costas: A Snicker’s bar and cotton candy? At the time, it was common knowledge that The Father of Modern Pinball was a Butterfinger man. [Cut to poster of Butterfinger ad. Sky blue background. TT has his arms around girl who is kissing his ear. Her back is facing us, but we see tight tshirt, short shorts, feathered hair, knee-high socks, and roller skates. TT’s eyes are focused on the enormous Butterfinger he is holding behind girl’s back. Caption reads “Yes, love. Just as soon as I finish my Butterfinger!”] Damberg was not in a position to argue however and began to eat the cotton candy and Snickers bar, which –like Sarah Parker- had become warm and a little gooey after being in Chilusz’s hat for so long.

 

[Costas turns to face second camera]

Costas: As Damberg began to work his way through his seasonal meal, the potent effects of the Lassitude Type 6 began to kick in. Within minutes, Damberg had become too sedated to chew, and the thick sticky nature of the Snickers bar and cotton candy had effectively sealed the superstar’s mouth shut. According to Zed, [Costas again looks to biography] “We all knew to never do eggs and acid, especially fried eggs. But Snickers and cotton candy and Xanax? Who knew? Who would have thought of that? Damberg had once again pioneered the wrong way to do something.”

 

Costas: The Dreads knew they had to come up with something quickly. They were approaching the stadium at the last possible moment. In his 1996 autobiography, Rude for You, Tales of Naughty Pinball, Herman describes the final, uncertain moments before the match.

 

[Costas reads from book as old footage of limo approaching stadium is shown, with fans and press surrounding the car.]

Costas: After little Sarah Parker had crawled out of Chilusz’s hat, we asked her –for obvious reasons [Costas raises eyebrows]- to try and suck the Snicker and cotton candy out of TT’s mouth, but that didn’t work either. Although Miss Parker was eventually able to create a suction between a few small gaps of the dense sugary mass (she was never a quitter, that one), the whole of TT just kind of caved in, like a deflated balloon. I think I recall that we were devastated. We could hear the announcer from the stadium’s PA.. Apparently, we had been ushered into the dressing rooms at that point and a league manager was slamming on the door, I think, and most likely demanding that we get out onto the bloody stage.

 

Costas: Tony Dirlott-Anderson was the stadium manager that Herm was vaguely aware of in the waning minutes before the match.

 

[Switch to interview of older gentleman with strands of black hair combed over his bald head. He is sitting in a director’s chair with one spotlight on him, looking uncomfortable.]

 

Dirlott-Anderson: Yes. I was slamming on the door then, desperate to get those louts on the stage. Lord knows what was going on in there. When they brought Damberg from the car, two of the others, Chilusz and Herm I think, were carrying him from the car all wrapped up in a blanket. He was so bundled that you couldn’t see his face even. And I says “Now what’s this all about? Can’t he walk on his own?” And The Zed he turns to me in a rage and throws a bottle at me. He tells me to show some respect for other people. Tells me that Damberg was a Mollusktarian or some shit like that and he was exercising his religious right to practice womb-therapy prior to the match. Said his captain needed to be in a safe and warm place before facing the crowds. [goes to crack his knuckles and then stops suddenly as he receives a signal from off-camera] Anyway, I hated working with them. A bloody circus every time. So then I’m slamming on the door and Chilusz finally pops is head out and says they won’t go on without 12 gallons of coffee. And... “It’s got to be in a big tub,” he says...

 

[back to Costas]

Costas: Herman and the other Dreds had come up with a final desperate plan. The coffee was delivered [photo of two stadium vendors outside a closed door with a big tub] and TT was given a warm coffee bath. The heat of the coffee was just enough to liquefy the Snickers and cotton candy slightly, allowing Chilusz to stick an emptied out “blunt” into Damberg’s mouth as a crude breathing tube. During the bath, Damberg was also able to absorb a fair amount of caffeine through his skin and into his bloodstream. Although it wasn’t enough to counteract the Lassitude Type 6 to the point where Damberg could chew, it did give him the power to hold himself up with the aid of a pinball machine, or stool.

 

Costas: The Dreds thought that they had solved their problem, but as it turned out, TT wasn’t that keen on breathing anyway. It was at this point, however, that Herman had one of his greatest breakthroughs. If TT could be deflated, why couldn’t he be inflated too? Chilusz, in his 1988 book, Sit Quietly and Stare, gives an account [switch to photo of a smiling young Chilusz with his arm around Frank Zappa]:

 

Costas from book: My man was clearly conscious, it’s just that he didn’t like breathing that much anyway. TT had been trying to perfect his technique for oxygen intake via osmosis for some time now, but really, he gave up after awhile and just breathed less. I remember this one time we were at a party and TT breathed and I had just gotten my first Ivory Coast conga... [Costas flips to next page and starts in the middle] So miss Miss Parker inflated TT this time, instead of deflating him. He puffed up noticeably, but wasn’t really exhaling. Then we squeezed TT’s tummy and he wheezed a breath out through the hollow blunt! It was difficult to get the pressure right, be we did heard a distinct “... me in.” from the captain.

 

Costas: At this point the Dreds certainly thought they were in the clear. They had made it to Leeds Stadium, Damberg could be made to breath and could operate the flippers if his hands were placed firmly on the edge of the machine, and –most importantly- they would not be suspended. One final problem remained, however, as described by Ian Rogers, captain of Leeds United from 1980 through 1985.

 

[Switch to interview room again, Rogers, with chiseled face, crew cut and tan sits in same director’s chair.]

Rogers: So they bring Damberg out, and already the match is 30 minutes late. They put his hands right on the machine and step slowly away like the kid might fall apart or something. One of them, maybe Chilusz, stays right there next to the table with one hand on Damberg’s stomach and the other on the small of his back. We’re all thinking that these guys might be crazy and queer for each other, and that’s their business, but it’s illegal for another player to be at the table. So the official tells Chilusz to step away. And then there’s this big discussion. Chilusz goes over to the bench and then The Zed steps up onto the stage with his gym bag and pulls out two pairs of fucking handcuffs and a length of rope! [Rogers laughs heartily and hits his knee] They were nutters those blokes! I tell you, you never saw anything like it! The stadium went nearly silent! I thought Zed would pull out a leather mask and a ball gag next! [looks worriedly off camera] Er, can I say that?

 

Costas: Through the genius of Herm and HeavyweightZed, the Dreds were able to sidestep this rule of play.

 

[Switch to modern day Zed. Sitting on edge of swimming pool and being fanned by topless assistants.]

 

Zed: Hermie had a bit of rope, and we tied that around TT’s stomach in a slipknot. So when TT was at the table, we could gently tug on the rope from the bench and force some air out of his lungs and through the tube.

 

[As Zed talks, switch to footage of Damberg at the table. A profile shot from some distance, it shows Damberg leaned against the pinball tables with rope extending from his waist. Chilusz tugs on rope, but Damberg’s feet start to slip away from under him. He begins to droop. His feet pull further from the table until he eventually falls. His hands remain on the flippers until the last possible moment. The official signals that the ball is out of play. TT wriggles some but cannot actually traverse the distance back to the bench. Although their backs are to the camera, Chilusz, Herm and Zed can be seen to huddle momentarily on the bench. Chilusz, who holds the rope in his hands, shrugs his shoulders and then lightly drags TT back across the stage towards the bench. Herm steps over TT as he approaches the machine for his ball.]

 

Zed: The next time Damberg stepped up to the table, we took some of me handcuffs and shackled each of his legs to those of the machine, thusly anchoring Damberg to the table. We had Miss Parker inflate TT again before each ball, used Hermie’s rope, and my handcuffs. Twas a real team effort. It worked right nice, and TT was even able to light a high WOW at one point.

 

Costas, standing next to life sized, high-contrast photo of TT shackled to the Pinball Machine and with a blunt sticking out of the corner of his mouth. A rope extends from his waist off the photo’s edge. Indoor stadium lights and the scoreboard can be seen in the high corner of the photo, with hundreds of fans and flashbulbs in the background: So there he was [makes a sweeping motion towards large photo], this week in 1983, the Father of Modern Pinball, hitting the WOW via remote resuscitation via an emptied cigarillo and a rope. Remarkably, the Dreds would go on to win the match, thanks in large part to excellent play by Chilusz and the utter shock experienced by the Leeds players when Damberg’s legs were actually handcuffed to the machine.

 

Until next week, I’m Bob Costas.