From the tv:

“Good evening! Marv Albert here with Pat Sommeral coming to you live from historic Zurich, in the heart of the Swiss flatlands. Tonite we proudly bring you to round 3 of the 1997 Silver Sphere Invitational, the holy grail of pinball! A tournament steeped in the tradition of the world’s most popular sport, the Silver Sphere Tournament was first held 75 years ago today, in the grand city of Chicago, USA. Of course the pinball machines were a little different back in 1922...”

 

 

In the dressing room. The stadium crowd can be heard in the background:

Herm: “Caw... Lookit that, mate. [unflattering imitation of Marv] ‘The tradition of the holy grail...’ [grimaces] Fuck that! Fuck that bloody shit! The people want the wow! They want a bit of the spanky-wanky! They don’t want a bloody history lesson, you know! When’s he gonna talk about us? When’s he gonna give us the goods?”

 

Jay: “Aww, sit back away from the telly. You know they got to do it, Hermie. Here smoke this and relax for a moment.”

 

Herm: “fine.” [inhales] “Where’s me drink?”

 

 

The tv:

“This tournament has already been full of suprises and action in the early rounds, Marv. We take you back now to round one where the surprisingly quick Romania took on the always powerful and entertaining Brasil.”

 

“Brasil, of course, was fully in its celebrated and colorful style of offense from the very beginning, Pat. It was not too surprising to watch Ricardo Del Rio make the blue target, bring it up and around, and then take down the final yellow for right-hand wow.”

 

“Del Rio, the Brasillian captain, was good for four wows on that ball, Marv. We see him here doing a little celebration dance with his teamates upon returning to the bench, but he would not be dancing for long as Dennito Papalina of Romania turned on the heat! We see him here with the two top quandrants down on his first ball and already 12,000 points, and then... wow! Marv. He takes down the full left side and makes it count! Papalina played a courageous ball one, and the Romanians made it clear early-on in the match that they would not be shoved around or outscored by the Brasillians. Papalino gave the machine an extra spank as the targets came back up, tilting the fans into a frenzy from the very opening moments of play.”

 

“This match certainly was a crowd-pleaser right till the final ball, Pat. But, in the end, the Brasillians did persavere, if only by a slight 3000 points.”

 

“That’s right, Marv. There was, however, nothing slight about the Ithaca National Squad playing against last year’s quarter finalists, Austria. Team Pleasant, as they are referred to in the British Premier League, held back nothing in this opening match, shocking and apparently delighting the usually conservative Swiss fans with their ‘Rudeboy Style.’”

 

 

Zed walks into the dressing room:

“Bout foucking, time. Give the people whut they want, Uncle Albert. Give them a bit of the nastiness, will you? Now where’s me mausuesse? Turn it up, eh Johnny?”

 

 

The tv:

“‘Rudeboy Style’ does seem to be the buzzword here, Pat. We saw a little bit of it coming from Papalina as he tilted after his first ball early in round one, but he’s really doing nothing more than jumping on that Rudeboy Train... Pat?”

 

Herm: “Fuocking right he’s jumping on that train. Romainian piece o shit. Hope we get to play him, eh Zed? Tell him what his wife is like in the sack, then.”

 

Zed: “Right. Tell him what his mother is like in the sack. Here’s to Romania, then!” Zed removes his member from his pants and whizzes on the tv. Makes hooting and growling noises.

 

The tv:

“Rudeboy Style… is as much an attitude towards life as it is towards pinball, Pat. You can see Heavyweight Zed here quote ‘working it’ on ball number three of a recent match between Newcastle and Pleasant in the Premiership. Although this ball was good for 35,000 points, Zed actually spit on the machine when he lost his ball to the gutter. When the ref ordered Heavyweight to clean it up, Zed simply told the ref to ‘slag off’ and pushed past him back to the bench. Notice how he’s actually hitting the machine with a closed fist, Pat. Remarkable.”

 

Zed: “Bloody right I’m remarkable. Now where’s me powerdrill? I need a massage or a bleeding powerdrill. Foucking now.” [Zed cracks his neck, stares at the ground in disbelief.] “Yehaa! Who let all these ants in here?”

 

The tv shows an image of Herm violently bumping the coin box with a pelvic thrust:

“Notice the beer at Herman’s feet, Marv. I’ll tell you what. Pinball isn’t all that’s remarkable about Team Pleasant. They have been banned from over two dozen tournaments in the last few years. A surprisingly diverse array of shocking behaviour, including nudity, seems to be the norm for these rough-and-tumble players. Who can forget this scene in the LA Colleseum during the Pan American Cup in April of last year?”

 

Screen image switches to footage of Willusz heaving a pinball machine onto its side. He throws his arms in the air and growls. The stadium is defeaning like a rocket. As security runs into the ring, he puts his combat boot through the face glass. He does it again to the playfield glass and kicks one of the pop bumpers off the exposed table like a hackey sack before several security members wrestle him away.

 

“And i want to tell you, Pat, this all took place after Willusz had won the match!”